Controversy vs. Vision

Controversy vs. Vision

 

WARNING: The following blog post will probably hurt your feeling, offend you, or lead to some cyber bullying because the content will be a bit controversial.  I’m at a point in my life  - at one of those levels where I’m done shaking my head, gritting my teeth, and trying to hold my mouth shut as tight as I can.  I’m done. What am I being silent for? Afraid to lose friends? Afraid to be cancelled? Afraid to be bullied or attacked for having an opinion? Nah, it’s none of those things.  If you have had the opportunity to get to know me – if you’ve been reading my story, my blogs at any time over the past decade, then you know where I came from, you know who I am, and you sure as hell know I’m not afraid of what anyone could do to me .  Nah.  Truth - I’m afraid of what I can do …to you.

I love humanity.  I truly honestly do.  I’m an orphan and never really had a place I could call home.  I made a place for my kids for a while, but I never had anywhere to run. I can relate to NF – I built my own mansion in my mind – and my truth is written all over those walls. My art – my paintings, my pictures, my music, and my writing – those blank pages and canvases are my therapy sessions.  I love humanity, but very rarely ever felt it love me back. I am not apathetic or indifferent for anyone – even for those who’ve hurt and abused me.  I don’t trust them, don’t want them in my life, will protect and separate myself from them – but I care, and I’m affected emotionally.  The love of God dwells within me. But, I hold a sword and I know how to use it, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Hate is a passionate feeling. Love is a passionate feeling.  Indifference is a lack of either. Respect and Disrespect is a state of being. Society should pick up a dictionary every once in a while, because they are throwing around words in the wrong contexts – starting arguments, leading to offenses and dividing us. 

This pandemic has really affected me, and I’m sure many others, in a weird way.  I can’t speak for everyone else – only myself. Not only did I get really sick (I caught Covid early in April last year – and having fought breast cancer a few years before – I’m high risk) and for a minute – thought I might check out of this place, but due to disinformation, fear-mongering by our media and environment, and the whole world jumping through hoops shutting everything down, panic-buying, and political grand-standing, I honestly became paralyzed and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t trust any of them – either side – or any of the information pouring in – because the following week would prove the earlier thoughts wrong.  My life went on pause.  My job sent me into isolation to work from home – my son shipped off to the Navy – and the world starting spinning off kilter – there was a paradigm shift. I stopped …everything. I stopped meeting up with my friends (social-distancing), going out to eat, going to events, running 5-ks, cancelled my gym membership, going to the movies, concerts, stopped visiting the nursing homes and feeding the hungry at soup kitchens or passing our MREs to those on the streets. I stopped writing, painting, or playing music.  If it wasn’t for my work going through a lot of changes to accommodate all these restrictions and changes, and my boyfriend moving in with me, I don’t want to think how far down what rabbit hole of oppression and depression I would have wandered.

But, as with the seasons – and that WAS a season – I’m coming into a new one.  And I’m noticing things in the world that shock the hell out of me, and then when the idiocy is happening over and over and over and over again and again – I’m starting to stir.  This sleeping giant is waking. And there are a few things vibrating in the universe that is helping with that awakening, and it would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge them.

So here goes – WARNING – WARNING – WARNING - for those easily offended, unable to see things from different points of views, or you’re an activist of some kind, or a troll – go ahead and stop reading now.  The following will include social, political, musical and religious content and I’m sure something will offend you.  

Let me get some facts out there and out of the way – so those easily offended and put people in boxes to cancel, here’s your red pen:

I am not a Democrat or a Republican – I am an Independent.  I am an American. I am a social liberal and fiscal conservative – believe in small government and don’t believe you can legislate morality.  I care about the American people, not a political party.  I do believe in equality for religion, race, gender, and sexual orientation – but I don’t believe in bullshit rules that deny those rights in others of different religion, race, gender or sexual orientation. I’m in the center and I hate the division in our country.  I deal with issues – not wings.  Both wings are on the same bird.

I am educated.  I hold a Master’s Degree.  I am a published author, editor, and literary agent.  I have worked in the professional world for almost 30 years, owned my own business, and understand laws, economics, and hard work. NOTHING was given to me – I had to fight for every single bit of it. It’s not a result of heritage or white privilege. I was a poor white Jewish girl. Been on my own since 16, no parents, no welfare, received no scholarships and owe no student debt. My education and work was purchased in sacrifice, blood, sweat and many, many, many tears. I’m not rich, but I take care of myself and am not in debt.

I am a woman.  I am a Jew who accepts Jesus Christ as Messiah.  I am strong in my faith. I am not religious and cuss words will fly out of my mouth like a sailor.  I say what I want and know how I feel, and what I believe.  I don’t proselytize (that’s shove my faith down everyone else’s throats). I have studied many faiths – and have actually worked in the Christian Ministry for a period in my life.  However, I hold personal views that conflict with the mainstream religious community – because I care about the people – not the religion. I know what it feels like to be judged, hated, discriminated and disenfranchised. I know what it’s like to be persecuted for my sex, my faith and my skin color. I don’t appropriate any culture. I’m not racist, I have the most beautiful mixed grandbaby in the world – and I’d probably beat your ass if she were threatened.  I am extremely prejudiced.  I don’t like liars, thugs, thieves, or fake woke assholes.  I believe we have cultural issues plaguing our society as a whole – on all the color spectrums.

I care about women’s rights.  I care about equality. I care about freedom. I also care about personal responsibility and accountability. I respect rights. I respect life.  So, I’m just saying – don’t put me in a box because I promise I’ll surprise you.  I don’t follow the status quo of all these issues.  I take each one individual and make decisions and opinions based on personal understanding and experience.  I weigh facts.

Okay – that should be enough about me – so those new to the blog will at least have some idea where I come from when I’m expressing my opinions.      

Now to get to the heart of this blog post - Controversy vs. Vision.  I’m not sure mainstream society even understands the difference between the two – or even begins to understand the latter.  Then again – does mainstream society even know how to recognize which pieces they are on the chess board? I don’t think they do – and I don’t think they truly understand they’re even on the board, or that there’s a power game being played around them. If you call them a pawn, they take offense and shut down therefore allowing the opposition to come in and wipe them out as a sacrificial piece.  Lost you already? I’m sure I’ve lost some – but that’s okay. 

There are other pieces on this black and white checkered board, and one of them is a piece I often use to win most of the games I’ve played and that’s the Knight. Knights don’t move forward or backward, diagonal or in straight lines, they don’t act like the rest of the pieces.  Those with vision in our society are Knights. I’m seeing some Knights lately in different areas on this world. I’m seeing them in a psychologists that’s not afraid to speak up to talk about how dangerous many of the social decisions are affecting our world.  There are some political Knights outside of mainstream media “cancel culture” – going outside their platforms to speak truth.  There’s Knights speaking up against the social media, big tech, and entertainment industries interfering and inciting racial and political divides, most often losing their jobs, wrecking their careers, and being cyber bullied to the point of destruction.

I’ve come across a couple knights lately, one is a rap artist and the other is his girlfriend who is a videographer and artist herself. I don’t listen to rap music.  The only other rap artists I’ve liked is NF – because of his message on how he deals with the abuse in his life.  I related.  He touched my heart.  But, this new rapper, Tom MacDonald, and his girlfriend, Nova Rockafeller, have me nodding my head in agreement and stirring up embers of passion inside. They inspire me, not just their songs – which are works of art lyrically, musically and artistically, and I plan to do a series of blog posts breaking down their music at a later date, but their work ethic, their business choices and their FREEDOM is what has got my skin prickling with excitement.  They’re not bound by the restrictions of a record label, big tech, or social platforms.  They are completely independent – so they are free – they can do what they want and say what they say – and cancel culture can’t censor them.   Because they’re spitting TRUTH that is relevant today – it’s resonating with their listeners, and that makes them unstoppable.  They’re bold.  They’re flipping the finger off at everybody that tells them they can’t, or finds their truth offensive. They refuse to take no for an answer or apologize for taking a stand.  But what is most inspiring is that they hold true to their message regardless of public response and criticism.  Often their lives are threatened for their statements – yet they keep going.  There’s nothing to stop them – no label to control them, no sponsors to drop them, so social media platform to block them.   They’re not YouTube rappers, Click bait responders - they own their own masters, cameras, merchandise and brand.  They have no manager, publicist, or agent.  They do their own bookings, their own media, their own merchandise … and their own songs.  They write their own music, create their own videos - they are their own label, their own brand.  THAT is the greatest example of Entrepreneurship I’ve seen in a long time.  It wasn’t given to them – they have worked hard for it over the past 10 years to get where they have now arrived.

They’re doing something that even our former and current President and political leaders can’t do.  Not even the Queen of England is safe from these bishops - these “Cancelled”, “Fake-Woke”, “People So Stupid”, with “Clown World” mentality.  I feel like screaming, “Hey You!” like Nova and flipping my own finger at this over-sensitive, fear-mongering news stations,  Dr. Suess hatin’, Circumcising Mr. Potato Head, cancel Gina Carano, no Normal in Dove, race-batin’, Me-Too, everybody’s a victim, boys in girls’ sports – society that wants to control us – and every aspect in our lives.   As Shapiro pointed out, “Fact don’t have feelings.”  And Peterson said it well, “No one gets away with anything, ever, so take responsibility for your own life.”

Those are just a few knights I’ve come across lately, and they are all busy stirring up a lot of controversy, but not because they are controversial.  They’re controversial because they’re visionaries.  Their eyes are open and they’re free – this whole cancel culture has come hard after all of them, not because they are spouting hate speech, but because they speak what SOME people hate.  (That’s a play on one of MacDonald’s songs.) Ol’ MacDonald has a farm …full of H.O.G.s. Oink! Oink!

I’m intrigued.  I want to see where this couple goes, how far into the game they progress.  I want more.  I wish them the very best – I hope their swords are sharp.  I see their marketing, I understand the game they’re playing.  They’ve made some good bold moves lately – but the game isn’t over – there’s still some powerful players on the board. Don’t over-estimate over-looked Pawns, they can lead to a downfall.  Be strong. Be smart.  The message is clear and it’s a good one. Stay true.

It’s good to be back.  I’m moving into a new location this weekend, but you better believe I’m coming back in full-swing.  You’ll be seeing a lot more of me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

 

Tom MacDonald links below:

https://www.hangovergang.com

https://www.instagram.com/hangovergang

https://spoti.fi/2BoWXIq

https://apple.com/2BoXzhjhttps://www.facebook.com/tomMacDonalOfficial

https://twitter.com/IAmTomMacDonald



Jordan Peterson links:

https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/



Ben Shapiro



https://www.dailywire.com

On Pause ...Resume

 

My last blog post a few months ago was about feeling like my life has been put on pause – and it was, but it wasn’t, but I realize it had been because now it’s on resume.  It didn’t stop – it just moved, turned with the changes that came.

NOTHING is the same that it was six months ago.  I’m not the same as I was just six months ago.  Our world is not the same that it was six months ago.

The part of me I want resumed more than anything is my writing.  I miss it. I feel like I’ve betrayed it somehow, that I’ve neglected it and left it sitting in the dust somewhere. 

So, now that I’ve moved my office out of my living room – and set up my home office once again for my writing, I’m hoping my gift will forgive me and be there for me, and help me get back to what I really love.

I’ve been on pause long enough. It’s time to start over – to start again.

My son is now a Sailor in the Navy.

Covid-19 has gotten on my last nerve and I have no more tolerance or patience.

Work is back at the office where it belongs.

I’m in a relationship with someone I love and who I believe loves me.

So, it’s time.

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

On Pause

I constantly feel like I’m on pause.  My life plans, my goals, my dreams, and even my privacy and space is always sacrificed for someone or something else. The sad part, I’m the one in control. I’m the one that keeps giving up my time, my space, my heart, my dreams and my goals – for others.

How do I fight for me? How do I take back my life? How do I protect it from being hijacked again?

Who is in control of my pause button? 

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

Recovery and Hope

Good morning, world. We are a different place today than we were just a few weeks ago. It’s a worrisome time, and not one death is unimportant. Not ONE.  All lives matter.   Life is precious.  Life is not guaranteed.  There is no rule that states that if we do this – or do that – our life is guaranteed.  There is no promise for a tomorrow. BUT – there is hope.

If we’ve learned anything from this COVID-19 virus is that’s we are all connected, we do not live on our own island and the world around us can’t or don’t affect us.  Yes, it does.  We are all part of the societal machine – we all effect the world around us in either in a negative or positive way, but we are all ‘essential’. 

In my recovery from this nasty virus, I can’t help but worry about the world around me.  Yes, I’m stressed like everyone else. Yes, I’m worried about the financial, social, and environmental effect this nasty virus is having on me, my family, and my neighbors.  Yes, I’m worried about the ultimate cost - not just of the direct effects of this virus – all the needless deaths, but of the emotional damage.  Those numbers are not just numbers – those are our neighbors, friends, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons that are dying.  This virus isn’t racist or prejudiced and attacks everyone, so it will require everyone in order to combat and kill it.

I am in recovery. My body is strong and it was the only weapon I had against this virus.  There is no antiviral, there are no antibiotics, and there is no cure.  All I could do was treat symptoms and help my body fight as hard as it could from this horrible enemy inside me.  My body is winning and my amazing and miraculous machine is producing its own natural antibodies destroying the enemy within and building up a protective immunity that will help me stay strong as this nasty bug continues to circulate through our world.

My heart breaks for those who had family and loved ones who did not overcome their battle.  All of them were precious lives.  I’ve been in a very strict quarantine, not just to protect myself as I fight this virus, but to protect others around me. There is hope. We will recover …from this virus.  Now, I must have hope we as a society will recover from the grief and pain of our loss.

Let us all love each other, be considerate of each other, and remember that we are all essential in our roles as neighbors. 

~T.L. Gray

Directions

Directions

Ever had a destination, a goal, an objective, or something that needed to get done or somewhere you needed to be in life?  I can tell you won’t arrive by accident, it won’t happen on its own power, and I still haven’t figured out how to teleport like Harry Potter, so more than likely neither have you. No, the only way we can get to a particular goal/destination is directions.  We need directions. We need a road-map to the destination of our goals. 

I like to think of myself somewhat a gypsy, but that’s only wishful thinking.  I’m strategic, analytical, observant, scientific, and rational.  My free spirit I leave to my painting, but even in that – it’s still organized, planned, and executed.  Okay, I take it back. I’m NOTHING like a gypsy.   

I have goals. If this damned pandemic doesn’t kill me, there’s still a lot of things left that I want to do, and the only way I know how to get them done, the only way that I’ve achieved the goals and destinations before this – was to make a plan and then carefully map out the directions to achieve the end goal. 

So, I think it’s time I start making those plans again.  My problem isn’t that I don’t have any dreams, any plans, any wants, or any destinations, but that I have too many and need to make a decision and narrow them down. 

It’s time.

One of those goals – is get back to this blog. 

Here we go – step one – I blogged today.

Next direction in my goal for blogging – blog tomorrow. 

Until tomorrow,

~T.L. Gray

What a Conundrum

What do I really want?  I don’t know. I don’t have a clue. I have an idea of what I want, but I know more of what I don’t want than what I do.  So, I guess that begs to differ and I must ask myself, “What do I need?” I don’t think I know the answer to that question either.  What I think I need, may be a combination of what I want, but only after a situation or a relationship ends to I realize if it supplied me with what I needed. Most often failure occurs because I didn’t get what I needed.

So, what does anyone need?  Our bodies need food, exercise, and healthy activity to be active and strong. Our minds need stimulation. Our soul needs purpose. Our hearts … need love. But, how do we get it? How do we find out what is enough, what is right, what is beneficial?  What a conundrum.

I seem to learn this by trial and error, and frankly I’m sick of the errors.  I tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of never being enough, or being too much, or falling off of tall pedestals. I’m tired of being rejected, cheated on, used, lied to, or ignored. Most of all … I’m tired of sacrificing my wants and needs to try and love someone else and fulfill their wants and needs.

So, what do I want?  I simply want to be loved, to be respected, and to be wanted. I’d give the world to any man who could truly give those things to me.  But he can’t be a mess. I am not going to give him a mess. I’m going to give him my best. I know this – because I always do, it’s who I am.  My man gets my heart, my hopes, my dreams, my time, my focus, my support, as well as my body, my smile, and the best part of everything I have.  So, I want no less in return.  If a man doesn’t have his shit in order, his house in order, his emotions in order, his heart in order – please don’t come knocking on my door.  The BEST give anyone can give to another person is the best of themselves.

I’m not saying this to say they have to be rich and/or successful. I am not materialistic in the least.  I’m really simple. But there are a few things they should be.

1.        

They should be free of other emotional attachments. Men should not be in a relationship with someone else and hitting me up.  If you haven’t been on your own, severed the ties with your exes, and your heart is open to be devoted to me – leave me the hell alone. I will not be your backup plan, your second choice, your distraction, your rebound, or you side chick.  Nope. Hell No.  Uh-Uh! I’m a lady. I am open, honest and I have thick ass walls because I’ve been lied to and cheated on with men who still clung to an ex, or had some other woman on the side feeding their ego, or being that back up support.  I am not into polyamorous relationships. There are women out there that are, go hit them up, but lose my number and don’t bother.

2.      

They should be able to support themselves.  I’m ALL for chasing dreams, but you better have made provisions for yourself to chase those dreams.  I don’t care what size house you live in, what kind of car you drive, etc.  I honestly, really don’t care.  But, be able to support yourself.  Be responsible enough that you have a roof over your head and food to eat, and have reliable transportation to get from point A to point B.  I’m not your Sugar Momma – nor will I be. I take care of myself and pay my own bills.  I will NOT take care of a man.  Have a steady job. Have a steady income.  If you can’t support yourself or keep a job, you’ve got no business being in a relationship. Help yourself FIRST before you bring someone else down. 

3.       

They should have a dream of their own and be supportive of mine. I don’t care how big or how small, but have something to love, something you’re passionate about and working toward.  Have a purpose, a goal, a desire for something that drives you.  It could be your job, your hobby, or you playtime.  But, if you’re depressed and lost and spend most of your time on a couch binge-watching Netflix, going through the motions and avoiding life – please don’t even look my direction.  I have a lot of passion, drive, energy and desires, and that’s often attractive to people who don’t.  But what happens in those types of unbalanced relationships is I get drained – because these types of men don’t pour back the same energy into me. Want to get to know me – let’s go do something, get outside, explore something together, go kayaking, go hunt down a historical site, go search for seashells on the beach, etc.  I love to cuddle. I love to snuggle and watch a movie together – but not every single time.  It happens time and time again – and my dreams get put on hold, or ignored, or unfulfilled. No lie. EVERY dream I have achieved – I’ve had to do it alone. EVERY DAMNED ONE OF THEM.  I have helped many people reach for their dreams, but I’ve never had even the slightest support for mine.  Yeah, they SAY … good luck, go for it, you’re good at that, Babe … but when I win an award, get a contract, speak at a conference, do an interview, go to a signing, go kayaking, jump from a plane, raft down a river, climb a mountain … I am alone.

So, I don’t need anyone. I’ve been able to navigate this world on my own. I motivate myself. I am disciplined and determined. I have loved deeply and not loved in returned. I have given my best, but have not received it in return.  I have trusted and been betrayed. Here I am again – being told almost on a daily basis that I’m so beautiful, so inspirational, so desirable, yet I’m intimidating, out of their league, and deserving of someone so much better – or I don’t fit their mold.  They want a party girl, or arm candy, or a care giver.  So, what hope do I have? What I have is walls – high, thick, walls. I’m scared to even talk to anyone about anything deep or important, because who can carry this heaviness with me?  I carry it alone. I’m great at conversation, but it must stay in the shallow waters. 

Someone recently told me they think I really want to be alone …and they may be right. Not because I don’t WANT someone in my life, but because I don’t trust I won’t get hurt.  Again, they may be right. To reach me will take time, patience, and a lot of love – and honestly – I haven’t seen that in this fast-paced, gotta have it my way right now society.  It’s too easy to just leap to the next easy thing when things get complicated with a simple swipe to the right. 

Yet – I still have hope there is someone out there that will be my balance, which will be strong enough and brave enough to handle all of me.  Do I have faith? No. But, I have hope. God help them, but I do believe my warrior is out there somewhere. I just pray my eyes will be able to see him, and my heart will be able to recognize him when I meet him.  When I do find him, I have so much love to give – a love that is deep, and faithful, and true, and honest, and wild, and passionate.  God help him. 

New Year Resolutions 2020

It’s that time of year again.  For those who don’t make resolutions this post may be just what you need to read. For those who do make them, maybe this will help you. In Forrest Gump fashion, “That’s all I’ve got to say about that.”

Resolutions for me are promises I make to myself and no one else.  Many, many, many changes have happened in my life due to the resolutions/promises I’ve made in the past – so for ME, they work. I think they work for me, because I take promises and vows very seriously, and these are promises to me, to my heart, and to my soul, and they deserve my best.

So, what are my resolutions this year?

1.     Let the past go, live in the moment, and start focusing more on the future.

I realized I had been holding tightly to some past hurts and deep rooted pain.  This was pain I thought I had dealt with, but had only managed to bury.  I needed to see it. I needed to feel it.  It came out while having one of those very rare, deep, open conversations with someone – where you talk about shit you didn’t even know you needed to talk about; that heavy shit. It was so heavy, it cost me a relationship, and I’m so sad about that, but I’m not sad it happened.  It needed it to happen. I needed to see it. I needed to face it.  It was a godsend that it happened when it did. 

2.     Let my feet be quick to walk away and my mouth be swift to say, “No.” - it’s not my job to save the world.

I have patterns and I need to start paying close attention to those patterns. One of those patterns is always being there to lend a helping hand, always being someone that sees the needs in others and forgets that I have needs as well, because I will compromise to meet their wants and needs.  I’m not God. I’m not Jesus. I may be Supergirl, but my cape is ripped, my boots are torn, and there’s Kryptonite in the marrow of my bones.  It’s not my job to save the world anymore, and there’s no one to save me.

I love people, especially the people in my inner circle.  But, I tend to gravitate toward the lonely, the broken, the damaged, the hurting, and the forgotten – because that’s how I feel.  I love people the way I want to be loved. I invest in people the way I want to be invested into, and I see people the way I would want to be seen.  BUT – it doesn’t happen that way.  They don’t love me, they don’t invest into me, and they don’t see me   - they don’t even see themselves – and I know that, but I have had this foolish notion that my love would be all they need and it would show them the way. 

So, my resolution this year, No - a vow to myself, is to invest in ME, love ME, and see ME.  My heart wants to help others– but my mind is ready to fight this round this year. I’ve put on my running shoes, picked up my shield, and in order to protect myself I have readied my feet to be quick to walk away from these certain types of people and let my mouth be swift to say, “No.”  I have to put me first. I’ve been broken and my soul has been crushed, and I won’t be one damned bit of good to someone else until I’ve healed. This isn’t going to be easy for me, but I know it’s what I need to do. For those I walk away from – you’re just going to have to forgive me. If you can’t – I’m sorry.

3.     Dust off my Adventure List and start ticking off some more of those boxes.

If you’ve known me for any certain of time, then you have heard about my Adventure List – a list of Adventures that I want to do or experience before my time expires on this earth, or I get to old or feeble to complete them.  To some, they call it their ‘bucket list’, but I believe life should be one series of adventures after the next.  I started my Adventure List – and then I put others’ needs before my own and my List has been collecting dust. THAT is the only thing I am ashamed of these past few years. I had made a promise to myself, and looking back over the past 4 years, I’ve realized I have neglected that promise. If someone comes into my life – they MUST care about me enough to help me fulfill my dream, not ask me to choose between them. THIS is part of that anger I’m feeling.  I’ve never come first – it seems …not even from myself.  I have a lump in my throat right now because this is one of those bitter truths I’ve had to face – I never come first, MY wants and needs have never been put first.

I’m dusting off and going to update my list over the next few months – you’ll probably see a bunch of blog posts  about it as I start to tick off those boxes, and I’m shifting my focus – have already shifted my focus – to fulfilling my adventures.  Getting Anthony shipped off to the Navy is at the top.

4.    Live ALONE. 

My door is no longer open to ANYONE.  I’m sorry – but I can’t do it anymore. I’ve literally given up my privacy, my space, my life, my room, my time, my goals  - to provide and take care of the needs of others.  My children are grown and capable of taking care of themselves. I’m in no committed relationship with anyone. My door is not open. My sign reads: “No Vacancy”.  The next time I live with someone will be because I have made a vow to share my life with someone, and I don’t see that ever happening. If I have a friend in need, I will work hard finding them somewhere ELSE to go, but it will not be with me.  I’m done taking care of the world. My dog Bella is the only being that will live with me. I don’t want a roommate. I want peace. I want space. I want my fortress of solitude. 

5.    Write More

6.    Play More Music

7.    Read More

8.    Paint More

9.    Explore More

10.                Laugh More

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Being Motivated

Being motivated doesn’t have much to do with how you feel.  You can ‘feel’ motivated, but that doesn’t mean you are actually motivated.  Encouragement is when you’re having an emotional reaction to some outside stimulus.  You’ve heard a good word, you watched someone else achieve something and you want it for yourself, you’ve been encouraged by friends, family, doctors, co-workers, lovers, etc.  That’s all great, we all need encouragement at times.  We sometimes need someone to get in our face and tell us some hard truths, or whisper in our ear and plant dreams and ideas of something better than our current situation or state of being.  But, motivation is not an emotion, it’s a state of being.  The dictionary states: the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way; the general desire or willingness of someone to do something. It doesn’t say you feel good or feel bad.  Feeling good and/or feeling bad will drive the motivation, but it’s not the motivation. Motivation is the reason for the decision – it’s the driving force behind our actions in spite of how we feel.  Those actions will either make us feel good or bad, but our feelings are not our motivation.

Being motivated - making a decision for whatever reason – is not contingent on how we feel.  We don’t act because we are motivated, we are motivated to act because of decisions we make.

Motivation is a choice.  Motivation must be decided, and enacted, and that is done through discipline.  I am not motivated to work out because of how I feel. I am motivated because the facts are - I must work out to maintain a healthy state of being for my body.  Sometimes I ‘feel’ like working out and conquering the world, and other times I “feel” like lying in bed, eating pizza and hamburgers and being fed bon-bon’s by a handsome king.  So, my feelings are not what motivates me to get up every morning at 4am and head to the gym to work out – my knowledge and understanding of what it takes to remain healthy and active motivates me.  Being able to physically do the things I love to do like kayaking, dancing, having sex, etc motivates me to get up when I’m tired, when my body hurts, when it’s cold, when it’s lonely, when I didn’t sleep well, when progress is slow, when it doesn’t seem like anyone else in the world cares.  I go through the motions anyway – despite my feelings – because my motivation to achieve what I want is greater than how I’m feeling in the moment. That takes discipline.  As Jocko Willink says, “If you stop looking for a short cut …and find your discipline and your will, then you will find your freedom. Discipline = freedom.” 

So, stop lying to yourself.  Stop whining about not being motivated because you’re feeling lazy.  You’re not motivated because you haven’t found your reason.  Stop waiting on how you feel and start looking for your reason, that reason that is going to push you forward on the days you want to retreat.  Start looking for that reason that will drag you on when you want to give up.  Start looking for that reason that will go beyond how you feel and hold onto it tightly. Put it in front of you every day.  Post it on your mirror, your fridge, your door, your office computer, your phone so you can see it every day – and let that TRUTH be your motivation.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Being a Parent

What is being a parent? Donating sperm or giving birth doesn’t make you a parent.  Not donating sperm or giving birth, also doesn’t make you NOT a parent. Love, kindness, discipline, sacrifice, giving into the well-being of another human being – that’s what makes you a parent.

God has given me many gifts.  Most of all, he has given me the opportunity on several occasions to be a parent. I haven’t always been a good parent. I haven’t always made all the right decisions. I have made some really bad choices and made some really bad mistakes.  There’s no ‘but’ in that, either.  I’ve learned some things along the way, mostly from my mistakes.  I suffer still some of the consequences of those choices and mistakes.

I’ve come a long way.  I’ve come a very long way from being that scared young girl facing the decision of becoming a teen mother.  I was terrified.  I lived in hell and felt I had no one in this world I could trust.  I had no one to take care of me. Yet, there was this life growing inside of me – a defenseless child that I would be responsible to care for, to protect, and to provide simple everyday things. I couldn’t even provide those things for myself.  I had dreams. I had an escape plan to run off to the military that was going to take me away from the abuse I lived under and secure me a future – but if I chose her – I couldn’t escape – not yet.  There were days I hated the choices I had. There were times I wanted to give up, to die, especially when I was ridiculed and called names at school (Yes, I was that popular high-school slut wobbling down the halls everyone felt sorry for, or made fun of, or called names, or glared at with their disapproving eyes.) Yet, every time I felt my daughter move within my stomach, my hands would cradle my big belly and hope would grow – hope for a great life, a good future, a little bit of love in my dark gray world.  I would pay the price to make it happen – no matter what it cost me. I was young (16), scared, and didn’t know ANYTHING about being a parent. Hell, I didn’t even know how to be an adult. So, I made some mistakes.  But, everything I did – I did in love – love for her – love for the hope that she was going to one day bring into this world.  I don’t care how she was made – I’m the one that made the decision to bring her into this world.  EVERYONE I knew wanted me to give her up or abort her.  The religious didn’t want me to have an abortion, but they didn’t want me to raise her either.  The rest told me on a regular basis I was wasting my life, sacrificing my future, giving up my freedom when I had another choice.  I didn’t know much, but I already loved her and I wanted her – so I chose her.  It kills me that as an adult she doesn’t choose me, but I still have hope, and not for a millisecond regret my choice. She’s a beautiful, loving, kind woman and I am so proud of her.

I have two other children, who are also now adults, who make me smile every time I hear their voice, or see their texts, or video chat, or am able to wrap my arms around and hug them.  I also have the most beautiful grand-daughter. I love them with a love that is indescribable.  Not because I gave birth to them or genetically related to them.  Not because they’re good human beings.  But, for love.  The love I feel from them and for them. That love isn’t granted just because of genetics.  I never had that love for or from my parents.  Not ONCE, not EVER did they ever hug me – and if they had, I would have not felt that love.  My parents gave birth to me, but they were not parents – they were manipulative abusers that took a long time for me to escape. 

I now have another child, another chance to be a mother to someone who needs a mother.  I look at this kid and see the manipulation and emotional abuse he’s been through and I remember that lost, scared, angry little girl I used to be – and I try to be the mother I needed, the friend I could have used, and the love that was desperately missing in my life.  Maybe he won’t have to face the same hard choices I had to face – and he will make better decisions, and his life will reach even greater opportunities.  Most of all – he is loved. Every day.  I am hard on him, I don’t let him get away with anything, and every day is a constant learning lesson – because I want him to be a good man. I want to teach him the things of this world that is going to make him a descent, caring, productive, and good man.  I find it ironic - He now has the opportunity to escape his abusers and run off to the military and secure himself a future.

Being a parent is hard.  It’s sacrifice. It’s constant love, constant worry, constant energy, constant demand, constant giving of your time, your focus, your life, your space, your money, your peace, and your choices. It’s about providing what is NEEDED, not wanted. It’s providing a place of understanding, communication, and learning – constantly.  I can’t give up.  I want to give up at least once a day – but he’s worth it.  He is worth every little inconsequential sacrifice. Just like my daughter was worth it. Just like my other two children were worth it. Just like my grandbaby was worth it.  Love is worth it. Hope is worth it. 

Being a parent is a privilege, not a right.  There are some really shitty parents out there. I’ve been one at times, but I wouldn’t change one single solitary moment, not even the bad moments – because it was from those moments I learned most.  I didn’t give birth to Anthony, but I am his parent, I am his mother – because I love him and he’s worth everything I do for him. I get the best part of this relationship – his love in return. That is being a parent.  Those who pour love into him …are his mothers and fathers, not genetics. This young man is lucky – because he is now being surrounded by people pouring love, life lessons, instruction, and encouragement into him (thank you Scott).  When he gets into the Navy he is going to be surrounded by new brothers and a new family …and once again I am filled with hope.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? Me.

I had a dream a few nights ago about Red knowing the wolf for he was, yet she still feigned ignorance.  He called her on it, yet she still denied the truth of his character, his intent, his danger up until the moment he attacked.  In my dream version, the Wolf devours Red. I understand the fairy tale has a happy ending with the Huntsman showing up and destroying the wolf and saving Red, but we all know that’s not how it plays out in reality.  There’s never a Huntsman to save us from our own ignorance. 

I don’t blame, Red. I fear of being like her. I fear being just as naïve, just as stupid, just as blind, or be just as deceived. Wolves are cunning and they seem to be getting better and better at stalking their prey. 

I hate wolves.  Not the four-legged beautiful amazing creatures that live in the wild, but the predators who live next door – I’m talking about the deceivers, agents of deception, liars, cheaters, users, and vampires.  I’m talking about the cold-hearted, callus, selfish predators who destroy the souls of other human beings with their games.  The world is full of male and she-wolves, but God I pray not to be a Red, yet fear there’s more of her in me than I want to admit.

I don’t have a problem seeing wolves. I see them. I smell them. I recognize when they’re tracking, hunting, and stalking me.  I get their deceptive messages, I smell their scent of betrayal, yet I still walk through the dangerous forest alone, I still tell strangers my destination, I still trollop through the tulips with my basket of bread, with not much regard for my safety.  Being safe is being guarded, being suspect, being armored, and being cold and hard as steel.  I’ve been there. I’ve done that – and it didn’t protect me. A wolf disguised himself as another warrior and got me to lay my armor down before he decided to chew me up and leave me for dead.  So, even protected I was not safe.  Being aware, being awake, seeing the truth, and learning how to walk away, to change direction, to evade and avoid …is all I can really hope to do.  My weapons is now truth – by living in the light, not lurking in the shadows.  Wolves don’t like the light and they can’t play hide and seek or stalk prey sufficiently in the open.  So, I don’t hide. If a wolf comes at me, he will have to come at me in the light – and he will be met with a survivor who knows how to fight back, not a victim.

I hate the wolves of this world – both men and women.  Liars, deceivers, con-artists, players, users and manipulators destroy the souls of men and women more than anything else in this world. 

“Grandma, what big eyes you have – do you see me, because I see you.”

“Grandma, what big ears you have – can you hear me? You will hear me roar.”

“Grandma, what big teeth you have – mine are sharper. You will feel my bite!”

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? I am – not that it could or would hurt me – I only fear being naïve to not recognize him before it’s too late.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

I'm Learning to Let Go

I’m learning to let go. It’s hard.  Every time I’ve ever walked away from someone or something, left a relationship, lost a loved one, or watched my children leave to find their own way in this world, it takes a piece of me. What I’m learning I grieve most is not often the familiarity or the presence, but the dreams that were dreamed, the hopes that held deep in my heart, and the love that was attached to that person or thing or place.  I think that’s why when it comes to my children – their growing up and moving on is bitter-sweet, because the hope that’s wrapped up with them is still possible, it’s within their independence and journey in life.  But, losing someone to death, disease, divorce or a break-up leaves a huge hole in my soul.

I’m learning to let go.  It’s complicated.  I don’t like giving up on myself or on people I love and care about.  Often though I fall into an unhealthy situation when my hope and love for them begins to effect and become destructive to me. I hate losing. I’m the biggest optimist in the world, even when my mouth is often filled with Doubt.  I struggle, because my heart, my mind, my experience, my common sense will often scream one thing – yet Optimism and Hope will be in war with those thoughts.  I’m sometimes wrong, and someone or something will surprise me and turn out for the better and Hope will celebrate.  But, the realist inside me – the one who carried the pain, the scars, the doubts, and the cautious pessimism – hates to be right because she understands that when she’s right she damages hope and optimism.  She fears she may one day find they no longer have the strength to rise again as they have so many times before.

I’m learning to let go.  It’s devastating. I’ve searched my whole life to be loved and wanted.  But, those are the two things that have escaped me most.  I’m damaged.  I’m broken.  I’m sometimes still that little girl crying out to God trying to understand why I suffer, why I’m hated and hurt so much from the people who are supposed to love me, why my own parents and children have rejected me.  I let them go, but I always held out hope they would someday choose me.  But, even in that – I’m learning to let go.

I can’t make the world love me. I can’t make someone choose me.  I can only hope and try to remain optimistic.  But, eventually – if that choosing never comes and love never appears – I will walk away because I have chosen me, and I have learned to love myself - and no matter how much Hope wills it – I will only endure for a season.  I have learned to walk way. I have now walked many miles alone. I may always be alone.  But Hope and Optimism keep praying, keep smiling, and keeps trying = and I love them for it.  

I am learning let go.  Maybe someday I’ll not have to anymore.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Breaking Necks and Being Single

Being single today is hard, even if you're considered "pretty". Being single over 45 (I'm 48) is even harder. At this age I know more of what I don't want than what I do. I know more of what I need than what I don't. I know more of what I can tolerate than what I can't or refuse to tolerate.

One of the biggest signs you're getting older is when you catch yourself saying often, "What is happening to society today? What hapoened to ..." then fill in the blank. Well, whatever happened to respect, kindness, decency, and 'courting'? Yes, I said an old word ...courting.

I'm not really old-fashioned, nor am I narrow-minded. But, when does being a cheap piece of shit become the norm? Do those methods really work? Are women so low-minded in today's society they allow themselves to be treated as objects, cheap pieces of meat, bitches-n-ho's, and flavor-of-the-week-bae's?

I want to scream, "I'm not that easy. I'm not a piece of meat you can go to the grocery store and buy prepackaged. I'm wild, and I run really well, and my senses are sharp. Only the best tracker and skilled hunter will be able to even know I'm around, much less catch me. If you want simple and easy, you're in the wrong place."

I am currently not married, therefore I'm single. But, it appears that having the label 'single' is an invitation to every perverted, desperate-deginerate on the planet. I say planet because inappropriate messages, comments, and unsolicited pics and requests come from all over the world. So, its not just an American Asshole issue.

I'm a nice person. Any of you who have read my blog or posts for any length of time knows that I'm a very open, honest, and kind person. I fill my life with purpose, positive habits, and hobbies, and spend most of my time looking for the bright side, the hope side, and the victorious side of things. Most of all, I'm respectful. However, there seems to be another underlying cue to men that being nice, or saying a kind or encouraging word, or liking a meme or quote is a signal for flirting and open season on all the bullshit listed above.

I post a selfie every morning. That's another story, a long battle, and something Ive blogged about before. My selfies are for ME. They are not an advertisement to solicit 'other' kind of pictures for a viewing audience. Yet, I get asked regularly. Does that really work? Is the porn industry so hard that men seek their porn for free. Do women not value themselves enough not to be some perverts' flavor of the minute? You know damned well they are asking EVERY woman they message for their pics too ...you're just another set of titties. Before I get bombarded with comments ...I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple to share pics with one another. I believe it's a wonderful tool to keep things spicy in a beautiful relationship. But when a man doesn't even know my name asks me for a 'sexy pic', I literally get disgusted. I have resting-bitch-face. You should see my expression when that happens. Believe me, no one will mistake my thoughts or feelings on the matter. Most often though, besides being disgusted, I'm disappointed. I'm saddened and now regard that man as having a mental handicap, regardless of his education or success.

I don't want to be disappointed or ashamed of men. I love men. I know so many great men. I know real life gentlemen, true heroes, great fathers, wonderful brothers, and spectacular sons. I love and admire their capabilities, their strengths, and their physique. I want to be proud of every one of them, so it hurts to see some of them fall so low over something so fucking stupid.

...and the women. I cry! I cry almost daily when I see the state of women. I am a feminist and have fought for the rights and dignity of women my whole life, starting with my severely abused and handicapped mother. I am a survivor, not a victim. History has not been kind to women. Most of the world is still cruel to women. But the most abusive, demeaning, and detrimental species to women are other women. The most cruel, abusive, demeaning and detrimental species to men is women. Before you women spam me with hate mail, think about it, honestly, and you'll see I'm right.

I love women. No, I'm no homosexual or bisexual, but that doesn't mean I don't respect those sexual choices. I just know what I like, and I'm attracted to warriors, often bearded badasses dripping with confidence. It's just my preference. But, I love the beauty, the nurturing kindness, the inner strength, the fighter spirit, the ability to see potential in simplicity, and the healing nature of women. I believe women are the strongest beings on this planet. We can often survive what would break the toughest of warriors. But to see a woman debase herself to accept the behavior, advances, and demeaning treatment makes me sick. And when I see a woman do the same thing to others, makes me angry. There are so many I literally want to beat the stupid out of them. Women are the neck of society. We turn the head, we connect the head to the body. The state of things lay more at the feet of women more than anything, and I want to break a few necks everytime I get a rude, suggestive, or disrespectful message.

Bottom line - everyone is responsible for their own actions regardless of influence. I'm responsible to not allow that disrespect in my life. So, if you're that way toward me and I delete, turn down, or block you - suck it up Butter Cup and try to be a better person.

It's great being single, but it also sucks. Most of all, it's most important being a good person, to have integrity, and be filled with respect for myself and others.