I’m so discouraged. I’m trying to stay positive, because those of you who know me, know that I’m always chasing rainbows and glass slippers despite the world constantly telling me I’m a fool for doing things the way I do them, or thinking the way I think. This is also the same world that wants to teach me about love, show forgiveness, obtain success, and walk with integrity. Have you seen the world’s version of those things? Have you seen their interpretation? No way! That’s not for me.
I’ve accepted the fact that I walk my own path, knock down boxes that people try to place me into, and swim against the current, walk the narrow path, shovel the ashes, and any other metaphor that will describe how odd and out of touch with what is known as common that I am. I am covered in cinder. (It’s no secret. Some people try to be different, spend their whole lives in a movement (along with a billion-other people), trying to prove it. I try to be common and normal, to fit in, to act the part, but I fail – according to the world. But…. BUT, I succeed at being me.
So, having said that, can you imagine how frustrating it is for me trying to date?
I’m going to pause there for a little while. I’ll try to continue this thought later. I’m sure as I try to sort this confusion and discouragement out, and try to get a grip on this thing called dating, I’m going to go through many stages. These stages are very like those that go through addiction and depression counseling.
This is stage one – acceptance. I accept who and what I am. I’m an odd duck. Took a loooooooonnnnnnnnngggggg time to get there, but I’m there. I’m a princess without a prince, a castle, a father’s love, or a mother’s touch. I’ve been abandoned in a selfish world. Now what? Where do I go from here? What does this mean for the relationships in my life? Will I always be the woman that most men find fascinating, amazing, love the way I think, appreciate the way I am, and value me for my character, my integrity, my creativity and talent, but fall in love with ‘common’ women? I gotta think about this.
Till next time,
Okay, I’ve thought about it. I’m sure there’s an odd duck out there like me who experiences the same difficulties I do, who dreams as I do, who dares to hope as I do, and refuses to give up no matter if the world calls them a fool. I know there is a man out there that will love the way I love, who hopes the way I hope, who cares the way I care. I don’t need a fairy godmother to give me a pretty dress and a pair of glass slippers to dance. But, It doesn’t mean I’ll ever meet my Prince Charming and we fall in love with each other. There’s no guarantee in life. I’ve witnessed too many people die alone to believe that “other” fairy tale - that as long as I’m patient and show up to the dance that my ‘happily-ever-after’ will come along. I not stupid. I know damned well that I may never find my soul mate. Actually, that’s not true. I’ve found my soul-mate twice already. Once when I was a teenager, though a few years later he died. The second time just recently, but he left. I’m hoping the third time will be the charm… (pun intended). But, I know free will, the ability to choose, determines much. I can’t make someone love me, fall in love with me, want me, or choose me. I believe in magic, especially in the magic of love, but I don’t hold a magic wand. I refuse to manipulate and force a man to love or be with me in any way. I don’t want someone because I need them or they need me, only because I want them and they want me. I REFUSE to accept anything less. That makes me odd.
I’ve had many opportunities to be in relationships, to not be alone, to have a companion, to have a lover, to have a convenience. But, I believe I deserve so much more. I want love. Real love. Deep love. When I love, I love with my whole heart, and so I want someone to love me with their whole heart. I’m not their toy, their distraction, their fantasy, or their temporary place-holder. I’ve been told so many times, and left behind for lesser women, that I’m loved, respected, admired, and valued, Bu….....t, they can’t choose me because I deserve better than they could give.
If I deserve anything, it’s simply to be loved. I don’t need anything to be given to me. I don’t need saved. I don’t need to be supported. I am not co-dependent, have low self-esteem, or incapable of doing anything for myself. I’m smart, I’m self-sufficient, independent, and driven. I don’t need a man, a partner, a lover, or a friend. I WANT one. There’s a huge difference between need and want. Someday… someday someone will ‘want’ ME, not my body, not my talent, or anything else I could give them, but want me, my heart, my mind, my love, and all my oddities.
I’ve mentioned this before. I made a promise to myself, no a VOW, about 7-years ago, and it is still valid today. I have it posted on my refrigerator - “I will never again waste my time, love or energy into that which does not first invest those things into me”.
Oh, Prince Charming, come slide that glass slipper upon my foot and allow the magic to envelop us both, transforming us into something wonderful, and then let us disappear into the unknown to explore it together. I have my sword. I’ve slayed a dragon or two in my time already. I’ve got your back.
Till next time,
~Cinderella getting restless