Since finding myself single again, I’m trying to take a different look at who I am, perhaps evaluate myself objectively and see if I can help identify why I’m so difficult to love. I am difficult, mark my words. To love me is a challenge, and not for the faint of heart. I can’t simply be put into any particular box. Though I want a fairy-tale kind of love, I’m not a fairy-tale kind of princess. There isn’t just one dragon to slay in order to reach me, but an army of them. So, I’m thinking of my new dating profile and what should it say. What would ward off predators, players, men who haven’t let go of their last relationship, or men who can never be satisfied with just one woman, liars, con artists, or cowards? It would be nice if all my exes could write it for me – to warn the next man that dares to cross my path of just exactly what he’s getting into, what to do or not do. I honestly don’t know if I can open my heart again. Do I have any of it left since so much of it has been broken? I’m an open book, but the text inside is quite hard to read. So here goes…
Life is fluid, ever-changing, filled with both joy and despair, love and heart-break, evolutionary and quite contradictory. If we ever get to the point where we think we begin to understand it, life will always come in and test our faith, test our thoughts, and test the motives of our hearts. We are not who we say we are, nor are we often who we think we are, because we are all liars and deceivers, always believing the best or worst of ourselves. But, the truth … the truth resides somewhere in the middle of our best intentions and our worst fears. Truth is also in what we do, how we react, and how we respond to the situations in our lives, not in what we say or think. I've been wrong so many times. I've been hurt even more. Not because I had dared to dream, but because I dared to dream big and fell far. I've soared to great heights... and I will soar again. I'll never stop trying, never stop dreaming, never stop hoping. I believe in love. I believe in a forever kind of love. I believe in deep passionate love. Some say I'm a fool, and that what I'm looking for in love doesn't exist, but I know it does because it exists in me. If I can possess that kind of love, then it is possible for another to have it too. And if it exists... that's the only kind of love I want.
Who am I?
I'm honest, not just of my great attributes, but also of my flaws and weaknesses. I am quick to apologize when I'm wrong, and always strive to communicate to understand when I'm confused. I'm a cheerleader, encourager, rescuer, and a defender. I'm unique, think outside the box, color outside the lines, try to see the beauty in the worse mess. I'm wild, adventurous, persistent and truly care about the human soul. At the same time these are my weaknesses, because I'm also bold, outspoken, driven, and a perfectionist. I will wear myself down, break my back bending over, push myself beyond my limits for those I care about, often to my own detriment. I'm often naive, but not stupid. My trust is easily gained, but also easily lost. I don't need to be saved, but sometimes I do need to be held, to be cherished, to be wanted, and needed. Respect is important to me. I'm faithful. I'm courageous, especially when I'm terrified. I over-think everything, and have OCD tendencies toward cleanliness and organization. I'm creative, artistic, talented, and I see the world through those artistic eyes - both the beauty and the ugliness of it. I often feel responsible for others and neglect myself, putting their wants, dreams. and desires before my own, but I'm learning to put me first. I'm witty, smart, sarcastic, silly and playful, but I can trash talk during game play any day. I love and thrive toward a challenge, even while I stress and freak out over them at the same time. I'm complex, yet simple. Classy, yet brash. Serious, yet silly.
I promise, if you get to know me, you will one day say, "I've never met anyone like you before."
Don't try to change me, change will happen on its own. Don't try to determine if I'll fit into your life as it is now, but be willing to open your life and allow me to become part of it, as you become part of mine, and we make room for each other. Don't play with my heart, because it's a shattered mess. But don't be afraid to touch it, because shattered glass is also a beautiful thing. Don't expect me to be perfect, to have all the answers, always know the right thing to do, always make the right decision, always step in the right direction. I'm fickle. I run away as much as I run toward. I will never be where I'm not wanted, so don't make me feel unwanted. Don't shut me out, because I'll walk away.
Life is a great adventure - full of glory and pain, confusion and discovery. It's the greatest adventure. We only have so much time of it here on this blue planet before we are gone. Don't waste it. Live. Live out loud. Don’t be afraid.
Till next time,
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
I will admit, I’m really confused this morning, which isn’t to say that I’m not confused most mornings. My thoughts are always deep, always reflective, and most often beyond my comprehension as the new day begins. Sometimes I love this about myself because it’s a reminder I’m much more than this meat suit I’m wearing. I’m deeper. I have a mind, a soul, and a heart. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one. I know, I know… I know I’m not, but sometimes it’s just so hard to see them in a world full of zombies. It’s so hard to love those zombies knowing they feel nothing in return.
When I’m referring to zombies, I’m not talking about the walking dead like in the television show. I’m talking about people who live in this world but they’re not really living, only existing. They don’t think about anything but themselves - what they want, what they need, what they hope to the point they can’t see the living around them, and in essence due to their selfishness, destroy that life by infecting it with their disease. They walk through life existing, doing what they need to do to get through the day, through the week, through the month, through the year, doing the same thing over and over and over, wanting more, desiring more, but doing nothing more to change anything. They’re waiting, sleeping, hiding and hoping that someone will come into their life with a cure and magically wake them up, and their life will change. They’ll get that new job. They’ll win the lottery. They’ll fall in love. They’ll write that book. They’ll take that trip. Their estranged family members will forgive and reach out to them. Lost loves will return and love them again. This reminds me of a meme I once saw with a group of people all walking in the same direction, but every one of them was looking down at their phones and not seeing they were part of a group, that others walked beside them.
I understand the disease of zombie-ism. I lived as one for a little while. Well, lived isn’t quite the right word. I closed my heart, and hid deep inside because I was so hurt and so afraid. I walked away from a man I was deeply in love with because I was trying to be selfless, yet in turn became selfish. For the first time in my life I was a coward. Fearing death, I became afraid to live. Since then, I’ve been hoping someone would come along and help me feel alive again, be the spark that would bring me back to myself, resurrect that woman living out loud. Yet, that kind of external spark doesn’t give life, it only creates a monster that doesn’t understand it’s a monster until confronted by a hateful, prejudicial, and judgmental world. In ignorance, there was a false and temporary sense of happiness. (I’ll get back to this subject in a moment.) The true spark of life had to come from within myself. I knew this, but in my zombie state I had forgotten. There were other things I had forgotten as well, such as how it felt to have someone treat me like I didn’t matter, like I was unimportant, and unwanted. He was right. I don’t matter to HIM, and he now no longer matters to me. But I thank him for being the asshole he was, because he reminded me that I do matter, I am important, and I am very much wanted - to ME. He’s the one that’s lost something wonderful - he lost a cheerleader, a friend, someone that would’ve given him the world. Fuck him. His loss is my gain. His actions of shutting me out, fueled me inside and finished waking up that sleeping giant. I don’t wish him ill, though. I do love him very much and no matter how he treated me, I honestly hope he finds the happiness he’s looking for but couldn’t find with me.
That anger is still fueled inside me. It’s reminded me how my ex-husband treated me as inconsequential for twenty years. Yes, he was a great father, good provider, steady hand in a world of uncertainty, but he was a zombie and a terrible and lousy husband who nearly every day of our marriage let me know I wasn’t what he wanted, but a responsibility, a promise, an obligation. I can say this one thing about him, which is really, really, really rare in the world today, he at least kept his word. The world is so full of liars. I’m so sick of liars. I heard he’s getting remarried soon. With all sincerity, I do hope he’s finally happy.
But, what is true happiness? Who really has it? Is it found in something tangible, in a kiss, in a life event, in a moment? In money, marriage, security? Another friend of mine wrote a thesis for his college paper and asked me to review and edit it for him, and I can’t get the idea of this pursuit of happiness out of my head. Perhaps in combination of the many changing events in my life these past few months it’s all coming to a juncture and has my mind whirling at the moment.
I know a man that tells me he’s happy, yet his actions confuse me. He’s married to a beautiful woman, but she isn’t enough for him and he has girlfriends on the side. Yes, yes… I can hear my guy friends right now saying, “Sounds good to me… I’d be happy too with a wife and girlfriends too.” I don’t understand why this is a man’s fantasy. But, are they really? Is the lying, cheating, sneaking around, being deceitful, and possibly breaking the heart of the person or persons they claim to love really what makes a man happy? Is that true happiness or just another lie they’ve told themselves to appease a guilty conscience, a false reality, a fantasy? Do they have a conscience? Are they not just a zombie feeling nothing but the desire to feed their own needs, their own wants and carnal desires, with no regard to the destruction they leave behind, or realize they’re infectious and spread their disease to the very people they claim to love? This particular man calls me a fool because I hold onto the belief that I will one day find real love, the kind of love found in heroic stories and fairy tales, a forever kind of love, that one day someone will love me as honestly and as deeply as I love them. So far the world has proven me wrong and him right, but I’m still holding onto that hope – that one day I will find that love. I know that kind of love is possible, because I have that kind of love. If it is possible in me, then it is possible in others. Or, is this some false reality I’ve created for myself? I’m telling you, it’s getting hard to believe these days.
I’m often told I’m weird, odd, and different. While I know they mean this following statement as a compliment, but when I’m told, “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before,” it makes me want to cry because usually what follows soon after is, “I love you, but…” The funny, well, not so funny, thing is… they really do love me. Most of them are still part of my life because they love me as a person, as a friend, they just didn’t choose me. I used to think that something was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, that I was just too strange for them, too unpredictable. I suppose that stems from all the years of being told I wasn’t what they were attracted to, or I’m too wild, too rebellious, too opinionated, or they chose the safe route, the sure thing. But I believe it’s because they realize I want more than they could offer. I don’t dream little, I dream big. I am a fighter and I don’t sit on my ass waiting for my dreams to come true, or someone to come along and hand my life to me. I take it. I make it happen. I have soared to unimaginable height and accomplished some things most only dream about. I’ve also fell to great painful depths, and experienced true horrors, yet in the face of them possess the ability to still love, to still hope, to still dream. They’re right. They don’t deserve me. I deserve a true hero, someone that isn’t a coward, someone that is willing to risk everything for me – because they love me, because they know I love them and will risk everything for them. I deserve what I’m willing to give – and that’s going to be a whole lotta man and some big ass shoes to fill. Cowards need to just run away, because I could never choose a coward, because I’m not a coward.
So, in consideration of my friend’s thesis on happiness. I have found my true happiness comes in the everyday little things of life. I appreciate life in so many different ways. I find beauty in the simple things – like a father horse-playing with his children, a friend spending hours playing a video game as a distraction for their heartbroken friend, best friends arguing over who’s turn it is to do the dishes, yelling at other drivers because you’re late for work and your bestie backing you up with sign language, a friend listening to you butcher practicing your daily Spanish lessons, getting unexpected, silly or inspirational text messages through the day, friends reading their favorite books together and then having long discussions, playing a game together, cooking for one another, dancing while cleaning, singing out loud and off key in the car. These are the true moments of happiness…. And these moments can only be experienced when we live in the moment – not lost in the past, not hoping for the future… but in appreciation of everyday little moments, being considerate of those we love, inviting them to share in our lives… all of it… our hopes, dreams, pain, doubts, fears, objections, wants, etc. Sharing life – looking up and noticing the person next to us is a breathing, living, person with emotions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
I see you.
Do you see me?
Or are you a Zombie?
Till next time,
~The Zombie Killer
Wednesday, March 02, 2016
You know, I seriously think buffets are not a good thing. Having too many choices, with no limit to amount or portion is never a good thing. Our bodies are wonderful, beautiful, extraordinary machines and they have mechanical parts that work in a particular fashion. While some of us have different types of engines, different amenities, different options, we all function on a similar and foundational basis. Use the wrong fuel and parts of us will break down, we will become dysfunctional, defective, and damaged. Having access of a buffet requires self-control, discipline, determination and a desire to love yourself and love your body more than the choices displayed in front of you.
The same goes for relationships. There are so many choices out there, a smorgasbord of options, I’m beginning to wonder where is the self-control required to maintain a healthy relationship, a healthy interaction? Nobody is perfect. There will never be a perfect display, loaded with all the choices someone thinks they want in a partner, and then have all those options in perfect display, perfect condition, cooked perfectly to our taste. If you believe that perfect person exists, you’re a bigger fool than the obese patron of a buffet thinking they’re eating responsibly.
If you find a partner that has that perfect beautiful body you desire, what of their heart, what of their mind, what of their passion, what of their health, what of their faith, what of their fears, what of their faults, what of their skeletons, what of their triggers? I watch so many unbalanced relationships start and fail because the selection was made on first sight. Just because it looks good and tastes good, it doesn’t mean it is good and not spoiled or rotten in the center, and will poison you. However, just because something looks healthy, doesn’t mean it isn’t filled with toxins or chemicals that will destroy more than it will fix. Just because something looks terrible, doesn’t mean it’s wholesome or tastes good. Come on, people… you’ve got to look deeper than the presentation. I can cook a meal and make it look like a million-dollar five-star gourmet delight, but be tasteless or smell like heaven but will send you to hell. Get your fucking heads out of the gutter. Stop watching your romance movies, reading your romance novels, and watching porn and being disappointed with the world and in the beautiful person right in front of you. Guess what? We are ALL faulty, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be beautiful, healthy, and something good in this world.
I used to desire that hot, fast, muscled Mustang, but I’ve come to appreciate and love my dependable Focus. Don’t get me wrong, feeling the vibration of that muscle car humming with all its raw power is hot, but I’m a little deeper than that now and I need more than muscle to meet my needs. I stay away from buffets and instead only buy what’s good for me, healthy for me, and for my betterment. I drive past the fast food restaurants and enjoy the art of cooking. I don’t test my self-control by not placing myself in the path of having to make that decision. In return enjoy the life that makes my soul sing. I am able to hike and enjoy nature. I feel better, healthy, and strong. I have strength to fight off infection. While my body is riddled with flaws, scars, flab, some wrinkles and the beginning of graying hair… I’m beautiful. I’ll never be a porn star, but I can make beautiful love to my man. I’ll never win a beauty contest, but I’ll love my partner with a beauty that can’t be judged. When I give my heart, I give also my support, my love, my devotion, my hopes, my dreams… and I pick up their heart, their support, their love, their devotion, their hopes, and their dreams.
Our buffet minds have destroyed so many relationships. When life get tough, and it does get tough - it’s fucking life - we have too many other choices in front of us to stick with the original choice we made. We’ve lied to ourselves thinking that maybe the next selection, or the next bite will taste better, so we pile our plates full of a little bit of everything and anything, yet truly appreciate nothing. But, if we have ONE beautifully plated, beautifully seasoned dish, we now have a chance to savor it, appreciate it, enjoy it, and truly taste it for the beauty it is. It’ll change our lives and make our love bloom to unimaginable heights.
Have you never wondered why there is little food on a five-star dish? Because that chef put his skill, his love, his talent, and his devotion into his dish, and he wants you to enjoy, appreciate and love what he’s created. He wants that dish to be the star of the meal… not lost among gross portions. It’s not how much you have, but the fine quality of what you have. I’m sorry, but I’m gourmet, not buffet. I’m a delicious dish that deserves my own beautiful plate. I’m not something to be piled upon by everything and anything. I’m classy. But, don’t think I’m snobbish, snooty, or have to have expensive. Don’t mistake expensive for quality. There is just as much crap on an expensive buffet as there is on a cheap one, the difference is only in the packaging.
Listen to me. Being in a relationship is about sharing who you are, all of who you are with your partner. Share your body. Share your mind. Share your hopes. Share your dreams. Share your problems. Share your failures. Share your mistakes. Share your fears. Share your doubts. Share your gifts. Share your fork. Share your kisses. Share your touch. Share your words. Share your silence. I don’t care what dirty laundry you have – we all have dirty laundry. Let’s wash it together. Physical problems, let me help encourage you, as you encourage me. Financial problems, let’s make a plan and both pick up a shovel. Emotional problems, let’s talk about it together, heal together. That’s what a relationship is about – quality – not packaging, display, or quantity. Let me love you. Dare to love me. Let’s avoid the buffet and concentrate on making one hell of a beautiful dish - together. We might have to start over again and again, choose some different ingredients as we discover what works and what doesn’t, and try some different seasonings until we find the right combination we both will enjoy and savor. It’s worth it.
But if you can’t, if you can’t make the effort, or have no self-control and can’t stop thinking and desiring the cheap substance of a buffet, then keep moving. I won’t be, no, I CAN’T be part of a buffet. I’m gourmet.
Till next time,