Thursday, January 22, 2015

My Family, My Clan

Family is a mixed up concept for me. I often struggle with the thoughts of whether my emotions are connected through an intangible bond or from man-made expectations. I understand the biology, the nature, but I have also witnessed the nurturing bond that families produce as they take care of one another. I even understand the bond that survival produces – when people are thrown together in violent or volatile situations. Yet, all this understanding doesn’t answer the question of why it hurts so much to be rejected by those we expect to love us most. Is it some unseen bond that has us endure that which hurts us, or just stubbornness?

I’m a beautiful woman. I’m adored by many. I’m pursued by several and even have inspired arguments, fights, and jealous disagreements. Yet by those who are supposed to love me most, I’m rejected and unwanted. But, don’t judge my ‘family’, because the feeling is mutual – I reject and do not want them either. I’ve often felt guilty for feeling this way. Many of the people that have come through this life often try to make me feel guilty for feeling like that, but I’m honest about how I feel. I always have been, and that’s not something easy to face.

There is this group of people that have come into my life recently where I feel such a deep bond. I question if it’s because I’m in survival mode and I’m bonding with them for that reason, or is it because they nurture things in me that have been long neglected. They adore me. They make no secret I’m wanted, I’m needed, or even that I’m desired. This group I’m talking about is my Destiny clan, Omega Victrix Mortalis. They’re my family, and like all families, they are a motley crew of one mess after the next. It’s like we are the clan filled with misfits, rejects, and the misunderstood. What makes us different from the other clans we meet in the land of Xbox Live, is because we care about each other as people.

Recently my beloved clan has endured a division where a couple members (family) cared more for the game, more for the power and control, and more for the stroke of ego than for the people behind the controllers. My gameplay is important, something I often struggle with much stress and trepidation, but it’s the lives behind the controllers I care about most. This split hurts because I have to watch more people I care about walk out of my life. I will stand by and watch them go, because I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I’ll never want or force someone to be around that doesn’t want to be around. Just because I’ll stand to the side, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain of that separation, or the rejection.

For those who have remained, they’ll never know how much they mean to me. As I mentioned before, we’re a group of misfits, but this bunch of misfits have some of the greatest hearts I’ve ever met.

Phoenix Mortalis – (the defender) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a CSI agent. He’s loyal. He’s sensitive. He notices the little things. Though a girl getting upset makes him very uncomfortable, he’s always there, even if it’s being there in silent comfort for those in his circle. He’s a true knight in shining armor, willing to risk everything to protect, to defend, or to support. He’d make a great soldier because he already has the natural instincts of a defender. He has a tight inner circle and guards it well. But, if you’re lucky enough to get inside that circle, you’ve truly found a beautiful treasure of a friend. He’s a great player. I watched him do amazing things with a broken controller. The greatest was his determination. I watched him do amazing things with limited abilities, and since he’s regained a lot of those abilities, he’s gone on to do even more amazing things. He reminded me of how wounded soldiers who never let their disabilities define them, but strengthen them.

iTz CriMSonDxsk – (the nurturer) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a Surgical Technician and currently works as a transporter at a hospital. He’s also loyal and sensitive. He’s an Empath – he feels what others feel around him. He’s one of the best gamers I’ve met so far, a beast in the battlefield, and there isn’t a feat yet I haven’t seen him unable to accomplish. He’s a natural. He’s humble. Yet he desires no power or praise for his acts. He doesn’t seek the limelight but prefers to sit in the shadows, yet is unable to hide in obscurity because he’s in great demand. Players constantly seek him out to join them because he’s the best. He’s greatly misunderstood, often thought of as na├»ve, but he’s much more complex. I see a great man in the making. There’s no ego, just a quiet confidence.

RevertantPath – (the counselor) is a young, seventeen-year old (going on 40), not sure if he’s gorgeous or not because no one has seen his picture but he has a heart of pure gold (with a dash of trickster), shy, high school student who doesn’t yet know what he wants to do with his life. He’s also loyal. He’s a fountain of information and wisdom. There’s no task he’s afraid to tackle. He’s independent, yet he understands the bonds of our family. He never hesitates to jump in and help someone out, yet never asks for help (because he doesn’t need it). He’s mostly quiet, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. He’s always listening. When he decides to speak (it usually starts with … “So, I’ve been thinking… “) you should pay attention because what follows is always something deep, something profound, something often unexpected from such a young man. He’s left me speechless many times. He’s not afraid to confront, yet chooses his moments with precision. He’s one of the wisest people I know (and I know a lot of them).

iTz CrimSon Jr – (the mascot) is a young, thirteen-year old, who I’m sure is adorably cute, funny, and a big ball of energy. He brings life to the party chat and game no matter what’s going on. He’s a reflection, a symbol, a mirror of who we are as a clan. He loves without question. He trusts without wariness. He’s a treasure to be protected, not manipulated and used. He reminds me what it’s like to be a mother. I miss being a mother, being needed.

The rest of our clan is filled with other wonderful members too. They have their own set of skills and diverse personalities.

CJBIGMAC never fails to make me laugh. I could listen to his silly stories all day, his natural and free responses to every situation, and his KV worship is like no other.
gr3y ninja is often really quiet, but when he gets relaxed and lets out his personality, it never fails to make me laugh. Just don’t depend on him if his girlfriend calls. She comes first.
XxTrsXshoTxX is a little passionate in both positive and negative ways. He’s a beast in the Crucible and a great asset in the raids, and a faithful helper when you just need someone to hang out with to help with missions and bounties. I like to listen to his silly stories.
Oz Bacon is another little trixster like RevertantPath, but he’s also fearless, ready to jump in no matter how big the task.
Set off the DJ is still getting his feet wet, but so far he’s doing a good job. If only I can get him to understand the usage of ‘wilco’.
Deathstroke1997, Phoenix Mortalis’ brother, while busy with school, he’s a great player and never hesitates to jump in and help where it’s needed.
Mike Honcho470 is guy I went on a date with and the whole time talked so passionately about Destiny that I inspired him to go out and buy an XboxOne and Destiny. While this is his first FPS game, he’s got a zeal that’s to be envious. He never fails to make me smile.
Last, but not least, is Godly Furrrball. I love Destiny and the concept of clans because of this gorgeous man. The way he talked with admiration and pride about the boys in his crew stirred a deep need in my heart and made me realize I had an empty space in my own that needed to be filled. My clan has done that for me. I also admired the pit bull in him that would come out to defend his family, even if was against me. He’s taught me a lot. He’s pushed me beyond my limits. He’s broken my heart. Hey, he’s family, what can I say.

There are other players in the Destiny universe that I play with often whom I also view as family even if they’re not in my clan … (ZeroFX AirB SGT, SxProphet, WARSHAC, OZ Vinyl, UCindian11, ShumateClan(Little Light), logjmr, Blaxican, SkyBlaster, and all those guys in I Am Leg3nd, and my son, JewsDestroy99.

So, what is family? Who is family? How is family defined? I suppose it’s defined by whatever I choose. I choose my Destiny family. I love them dearly.

Till next time,

~KV Kvothe

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I Miss You, My Love

I miss you, my love

and the way you used to text

and the stupid little videos

and the never-ending playlists

the games

the rules

the stories 

the lies

You were beautiful, my love

when you were mine

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Daily Lessons

Everything in life poses a lesson, even the good things right along with the bad. Having an open mind makes all the difference on what lessons we learn from those experiences.

I can go through my life and tell you good things I’ve learned, and also how I was really stupid at other things. I wish I always chose the right choices, learned the right things, and made the right decisions, but most often it was the mistakes that taught me the greatest lessons. I don’t regret my mistakes… only perhaps the lessons I might have missed along the way.

What are my lessons now? What are my struggles today and what can I learn from them? Again, life poses many struggles for me, but right now the consuming ones would be how to get through the day after losing the friendship of someone I loved very much, how to love the new friends in my life, and how to live in the moment – and to let that be enough.

I can’t change my past. I can’t make someone love me that doesn’t, or hate someone I love. I can’t control what tomorrow holds. All I can do is live the best I know how in this moment, in this day, in this time. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I’ve died twice, and I can’t help but think I’ve lived for a purpose. Have I already fulfilled that purpose? I don’t know and I honestly don’t care. The purpose will fulfill itself.

In living today… for today… I’ve become very picky about the people I let into my life. Dating is complicated. I hope with every date, but have learned to let that hope leave as quickly with those dates when my princes turn out to be frogs. I’ll find my prince someday, but until then I’m determined to remain content in being alone. Yeah, it’s lonely, especially when I’m cold, or scared, or excited and want to share that excitement, but I’m not without love or friends… or lessons to be learned.

I find out later this month if I’m going to be able to move forward, or if I need to jump into the trenches to take a step back. Until then, I can’t thank God enough for the love, support, and distraction that my Destiny clan, no my Destiny family, has provided for me. I have made some connections that I know will be lifelong family, and I have made some friends that I hope will always be there. Who knows… Destiny may even lead me to the love that has evaded me for so long. In that world… I am KV Kvothe, beautiful, sexy, and a greatly loved goddess. My clan and my friends never fail to make me feel wanted and appreciated. I’m not the best gamer, but I hope I’m the best goddess they know.

What are my lessons during this time? Persistence. Stubborness. Strategy. Loyalty. Clans. Leaders. Romantic gestures. Friends. Determination. Letting go. Breathing. Losing a muse, a god, a hope, a fantasy, a love. … that life is meant to be lived in the moment, to still love the world even when it doesn’t love you back.

Till next time,

~KV Kvothe

Friday, January 09, 2015

To Pursue, or Not to Pursue

I had a guy message me yesterday after not hearing from him for a few weeks.  When I didn’t respond to his message, he posted another text asking why I’m not talking to him anymore. I considered not even answering that post, but reconsidered. Maybe he didn’t really understand the reason for my silence, so I broke it and responded with something like the following:

“I haven’t been responding to your messages because I now realize that you’re not really that into me. I want to feel wanted and I didn’t. I felt you wanted me sexually, but not emotionally. You never called. You barely texted, and I just felt like I was an afterthought. This is the beginning of a relationship and I should be a consuming thought. I don’t want to be someone settled for, but someone desired, pursued… wanted. I want to be worth the effort, the chase, the prize. How can you catch me if you’re not even running after me? I really liked you and was very attracted to you, but I kept waiting for you - until I realized I’m not supposed to be waiting.”

I hope the next woman he meets inspires him to be more pursuant. I also hope the next man I meet will find me worthy and desirable enough for the chase. He is going to have to chase me because I only know how to run.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Specialties and Special People

Everyone has something they’re gifted at, but not all our gifts are blatantly obvious. Some of us rise to great heights and receive lots of acclaim and attention for our gifts, while others’ majesty is never seen by anyone, hidden among the thorns and roses.

Most of you know that I’ve become immersed into the world of Destiny (XBoxOne) and I’m learning some amazing things. Mostly, I’m meeting some really special people with lots of different specialties. I spend a lot of time there in awe at the playing skills of many of the guardians like this one soldier named SxProphet that blew my mind showing off as he completed a solo run of the Crota raid. Since meeting him, he’s done many things that have impressed me beyond measure. I have a great admiration for him, especially the way he leads his clan, I Am Leg3end. They work together in a way that I find simply amazing. Their communication is often silent, yet unquestioning. My heart swells every time I am given the honor of playing with them. I doubt they’ll ever know how much I admire them.

Speaking of clans, Omega Victrix Mortalis is growing by leaps and bounds with lots of new, exciting, and good-hearted Guardians. I admire every one of our members and I’m amazed at many of the things they can do. I am so proud of them and their accomplishments. When I play Crucible with them, I may hold the spot at the bottom of the leader boards, but my clan never fails to take the top three slots. NEVER. I’d bet real money on my boys. They’re really the best and not just because I know them and they’re in my clan, but they really are the best. I’d always bet on XxTrsXShotxX, iTz CriMSondxsk, Revertant Path, PhillyzPhin3st, Phoenix Mortalis, and Manny5173 in any match. EVERY TIME. However, stomping on their heels are gr3y ninja, CJBIGMACK, WARSHAC, UCindian, and KillaCam31787. I’ve only got glimpses of the game play of iTz CriMSon Jr, Deathstroke1997 and ShadowStormlV, but I have high hopes they’re going to give our top players some competition. Of course, KV Kvothe still holds the bottom slot on that leaderboard, but it’s alright… I call it practice, and Lord knows I need lots and lots and lots and lots of practice. Needless to say, Crucible isn’t one of my specialties.

One of the things I do specialize in is DETERMINATION. I may lose a lot, but I never give up. I especially never give up on my friends. Today I’m going to start putting together a raid team. This team isn’t going to be made up of only excellent and amazing raiders like SxProphet and his clan, or some of the other members of my clan like PhillyzPhin3st, but of ‘newbs’ like me who want to learn and isn’t afraid to fail a thousand times to get it right. I’m tired of going into raids and being referred to as the weakest link, not having the right weapons or armor, or as someone that needs to be protected, sheltered, left behind, or carried by other members of the Fireteam. It’s not fair to me or the other raiders. Everybody had to start somewhere. I’ve been in the raids now a few times, and every time it’s been with a different group that completed them in a different way. I’ve learned something valuable with every raid, especially the fact that there are a thousand ways it can be done, a thousand ways that it can’t be done, and a thousand different groups all trying to get it done. There are a lot of us that just need experience. To gain that experience, we need patient people who are willing to try, and try, and try, and try, and try again without getting upset, frustrated, or angry.

Understanding Patience - THAT’s my specialty. I’m a cheerleader, an encourager, and an exalter. I see the weaknesses and failures in others, but I focus on their strengths and their potential. My heart is to see them rise above their current situation or station and reach for the stars, because we all deserve stars. I’m not waiting on a break to come my way, I’m making one. My hope isn’t that this team only learns the skills to be great raiders, but perhaps learn a little bit of that understanding patience so they can be an inspiration for the next group of ‘newbs’ that comes along.

I’m really hoping that some of the expert Raider friends of mine will give my team a little bit of their time to help us, give us some advice, tips, stratagem, or pointers. But if they don’t (and I understand many of them have time restrictions and goals of their own to complete) we still won’t give up. We will just keep doing it again and again and again and again until WE are the expert Raiders.

As long as I’m needed in my team, I will be there. There is only one thing that could ever make me leave. We all have triggers in our lives that sends us running. For me – that trigger is being where I’m not wanted. I NEVER want to feel I’m a burden or a hindrance to anyone - ever. So, a little clue – if you ever want to get KV Kvothe to run for the hills, just make her feel unwanted or unwelcome. I love my clan, Omega Victrix Mortalis, because they make me feel loved, wanted, and a part of the family. They love me because I show them, I tell them, and I make them feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. This is my gift. This is my blessing. This is the part I play. Others lead in other ways – through skill, through knowledge, through their gaming abilities - I lead through compassion. I’m definitely not loved for my gaming skills, but I’m greatly loved by many for my heart.

Till next time,

~KV Kvothe

Friday, January 02, 2015

Inequality in Relationships

Most of us, not all of us, because some of us have to learn things the hard way and do everything backwards and find out through the mistakes we make, have the wrong impression of what equality means in a relationship.

What I mean by equality - is hanging onto the idea or belief that you will receive an equal portion of whatever (love, devotion, honesty, trust) you put into it. That’s never been the case in my experience, yet is it the main foundation to a lot of my disappointment, because it’s what I expected, it’s what I was taught, it’s what I believed.

Case in point: We are told that we will reap what we sow, to do unto others as you would have them do to you, that whatsoever a man sews that also will he reap, that if we want love, we must first give love, so on and etc. Those concepts are right, but my understanding of them were wrong, and that has broken my heart so many times.

Hopefully I can explain it in terms you’ll understand. I’m an honest person to a fault. I believe honesty is the true key and foundation to any relationship (lover, friend, etc), that a relationship built and held by lies and deception will fall apart. In my life, I’ve never been able to heal deep hurts through lies and deceptions, especially in the things that I’ve deceivably thought . Only when I face the truth of something, even the truth that rips my heart into shreds and leaves me unable to breathe, I can only heal from that wound in and with truth. I lie to myself all the time because the lies are prettier, happier, sexier, and easier to believe. But my belief in them, never changes the truth of the situation, only my reaction and perception. Often I believe the lies to keep from getting hurt – which NEVER works and I get hurt anyway, not only from the starkness of the truth, but from the death of the beautiful lie I created. I sometimes miss my lies – because I have a great imagination and made many of them so beautiful.

So, with that said, I don’t lie to whom I’m in a relationship, not intentionally anyway. I’m open and refuse to have a filter on expressing what I feel, what I think, what I want, what I don’t want – even if I’m wrong or make a mistake. I don’t play head games, yet I’m constantly lied to and played for a fool. So, see… there’s great inequality in relationships. I sew honesty, faithfulness, trust, and the deepest of passion and love – but I’m not guaranteed those things in return. As a matter of fact – I’ve become an expert at loving deeply but never being loved deeply in return, of being lied to, of being cheated on, and being untrusted. I’m never ‘the one’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loved, but there’s something about me that keeps others from falling in love with me. Even my husband of 20 years loved me dearly, respected me enormously, but was never in love with me. I don’t know what it is, I can’t see it, but something is definitely there. It’s my curse.

The funny (sarcasm inserted) part is that when I first start talking to men, almost all of them quickly fall in love with idea of me, my mind, my personality, my ideas, my humor, even my face. I’ve been told on many, many occasions that I’m quite possibly the perfect woman. But, after they meet me I somehow don’t live up to their fantasy and crash hard from their pedestals. I’m not sure where it goes wrong because I’m exactly the same in person as I am over the phone, Skype, text, or email. Most of them are still in my life today and consider me their best friend, their closest confidant, their buddy. Sometimes they even briefly forget they’re not in love with me, until we meet again face to face and they’re reminded I’m not the one. I’ve asked them why or what is it about that changes their minds, but have yet to be given an answer other than “I honestly don’t know.” I have watched them all go on to love other women, who seem to have kept their balance upon their pedestals and make my friends happy. Most of these men still keep in touch and tell me often to keep myself open because my match will one day come, but I don’t believe that anymore.

I get messages, what we used to call love letters, periodically from some of my male friends who tell me they love me deeply and would like to spend the rest of their lives fulfilling all my hopes, fantasies, and dreams. I know it’s not real. Sometimes these messages make me cry. It’s like dangling food in front of a starving child just waiting for them to reach out and grab it, to only slap their hand away and give it to someone else. It’s not equal. It never has been. It never will be. I’ve also been on the other end and did not possess the love others wanted from me, to find it just wasn’t there. I won’t pretend to love someone if I don’t.

Those statements I mentioned toward the beginning of this article are not lies. They’re absolutely true. My previous understanding of what they really meant is where the problem abounds. If I want love, I must first love, because in order to give love I have to first have love. To have love, in order to love someone else, I have to first possess love for and from me. When I love someone else, the love I receive in return isn’t contingent on how much I love them, but on how much love they have in them to share with me. To what measure I receive love from them depends on how much love they possess and how much they’re willing to give. It’s got nothing to do with me. The love I receive - from the love I give - is the love that comes from me. The love I receive from them is only the love they choose to give. The trust I receive - from the trust I give – is the trust I have in myself. The trust, or lack thereof, I receive from them comes from the trust they have in themselves. The respect, the honesty, the admiration, the passion I receive – from all those things I give – is the things that come from me. These things coming from them are contingent on how much they possess for/from themselves.

Bottom line: If these men don’t love me, want me, or desire me - it’s got nothing to do with the measure of love, want, and desire I have/had for them, but on how much they already have it in them and how much they want to share it with me. There is no equality in relationships that guarantees I’ll ever be loved, wanted, and desired. I deserve to meet an unselfish man who is willing to give all those things to me. I don’t believe he exists, but it’s what I want and believe I deserve. If they lie to me, cheat on me, reject me, disrespect me, or use me, that too has nothing to do with me – and everything to do with who they are and their personal integrity. Because I’m honest, doesn’t guarantee they are. Because I’m faithful, doesn’t guarantee they will be. Because I’m devoted, doesn’t guarantee they will love me. So, whatsoever a man sews (MY love), THAT (MY love) also shall he reap (I give/get my own love). If I want to be loved deeply, then I must possess deep love – but the love that I will receive will be the love to which I used to love deeply – it’s my own love returning back to me. While I want love from someone else, it’s not within my power to obtain it. I can’t make someone else love me, nor will I ever try. It has to be freely given by their own choosing.

I choose me. Now I just have to figure out how to breathe from being unchosen.

Till next time,

~Breathless in LaLa Land