Good - Get After It

You're probably going to see this a lot in the near future, because when I heard Jocko Willink give this little speech on his podcast on YouTube, it hit me - deep in my bones and it's burning it's way into the center of my soul.  I hear Jocko's voice, but I feel God's prodding. 



Listen to it. 

Listen to it again.

Listen to it every morning when you first wake up.

Listen to it with your heart and soul.

Listen to it with purpose.

Listen to it until you get it.

Then, when you get it ...listen to it some more.

This speaks to the Warrior in me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Finding My Purpose

Feeling lost is no picnic. I really think it is the leading cause of depression. It’s at least a feeling I have to deal with from time to time. I’m a pretty positive person, full of energy, jam-packed with ambition, and overflowing with drive …on most days. I’m almost always busy, almost always going, almost never sitting still, and almost never bored …almost. My brain NEVER rests. There are some days I feel lost, drained, lonely, and completely unfocused. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.  That’s our little secret.

But, why?  Why do I go through those emotions?  Is it chemical? Is it physical? Is it mental? Is it genetic? Is it psychosomatic? Is it part of my PTSD? Is it hormonal fluctuations as I age further into menopause? It could be one, all, or a combination. I don’t always know the root cause. But, and this is a big but (sort of like my backside), I notice most often those feelings of depression, being tired, drained and lonely surface most when I’m without a purpose, when I’m in the transition from one purpose or the other, when life shifts and my needs and wants change – because that’s when my purpose changes, when my goals change, when my priorities have to be rearranged, when my emotions fluctuate and when my daily stresses and requirements shift.

I am a blessed, healthy, smart, capable, gifted and well-loved woman. I ‘should’ be happy ALL THE TIME.  I’m passionate …about EVERYTHING, I’m an empath, an artist, and a philosophical thinker – so I feel deeply about EVERYTHING – good and bad.  My joy is amazing, yet my grief is brutal, my love is overwhelming, yet my mistrust is deep-rooted, my belief is strong, yet my faith is full of doubt, I’m a walking, breathing contradiction.  But, God have mercy when I find purpose – because when I do, my focus becomes laser-sharp, my ambition becomes great, my gifts kick into action, and there’s literally NOTHING I can’t do that I set my heart and mind to accomplish.  My mustard-seed faith becomes activated, my strength builds, my courage grows, and I become unstoppable.

I amaze myself sometimes when I think of the things I’ve accomplished, the things I’ve overcome, the things I’ve survived, and the experiences (both good and bad) that I’ve had, and how they have shaped the woman I am today.  I’m only 48, but I’ve already lived an amazingly horrific wonderful scary exciting life.  I want to live another 48 years filled with even more adventures, accomplishments, experiences, and love …most of all love. Yet, I’ve done most of it alone, even when I was married or in close relationships I chased my passions alone.  

I have loved very deeply, and I want to be loved just as deeply. I want to find a purpose that fuels me, but for this half of my life I want to share that purpose, drive, and passion with someone who loves me, wants me, and wants share their passions with me.  I have had many purposes in my life – daughter, sister, protector, mother, fiancé, wife, friend, student, cheerleader, fighter, worker, manger, boss, entrepreneur, reporter, gamer, survivor, teacher, humanitarian, coordinator, leader, singer/song-writer/musician, author, speaker, coach, editor, agent, buyer, step-mother, and girlfriend.  What’s next? When I find my next purpose – watch out, because I will be unstoppable.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Keep Moving

While my imagination loves fairy tales, magic, and the miraculous, my mind understands reality, and the reality is that if I want something or I want something to happen in my life I have to do it, to make it happen, make the choices needed, and then act on them.  Money doesn’t just magically appear in my bank account - never, not once did I find any extra currency in there – though I swear often that there’s an invisible troll taking a toll every time I use it.  Fat doesn’t magically dissolve in my body, though I sometimes think it magically appears. We know that isn’t the truth either.  Relationship’s don’t just begin or end without effort and/or neglect.  That reminds me of a meme I saw one time about cheating where a guy trips and falls on top of a woman exclaiming, “It was an accident!”  No, the accident happened with the momentum of texting, talking, smiling, and flirting.  That’s when the cheating first began.  By the time he ‘tripped’, he was already deep into the betrayal. There’s no accident about it.  

What I’m trying to convey here is that I have to make a plan and set goals, make preparations for those plans and goals, make the choices that will help me achieve those plans and goals, and then have the strength and discipline to fulfill them regardless of how I feel or of convenience.  Nothing just magically happens.  Check marks don’t just appear.  Yes, sometimes the universe will bring me a surprise, but for the most part there are laws that govern this world much the way our natural laws govern our science and nature.  Facts are facts. Those laws are that we reap what we’ve sown.  The key is …we have to sow. We have to plant. We have to water. We have to make sure we get the right amount of sunlight.  We have to protect our gardens.  We have to pull up our own weeds.  We have to make sure we put the right kind of shit in the ground. We can’t plant one thing, yet expect it to grow something else, though we do. Man, I can’t tell you how many times I see this on a daily basis – this belief in reverse magic, in magical harvests, in expecting and wanting what we didn’t plant, earn or deserve.  It’s crazy.  Our society is so franchised, so drive-through, so … I want it my way, and I want it now, but don’t ask me to plant, grow, etc. I want YOU to prepare it for me.  I just want to lay back in my perfect body, consume what I want, when I want, not face a consequence, not lift a finger, not work for it, and yet have the strength and blessings of the gods.  How arrogant we are.  Yet, we will tell ourselves that’s NOT what we expect.

Come on, be real. Isn’t it what we expect?

This world is a beautiful and ugly place at the same time.  Over the past few weeks I have seen many, many, many examples of love, compassion, charity, respect, and bravery from people – and I’ve seen selfishness, hate, fear, depravity and gluttonous greed. Life is complex and complicated in its simplicity.  But somewhere in the balance there is peace. 

I have to keep moving. I have to keep working, and hoping, and praying, and expecting, and sowing, and reaping.  I have to keep making choices every day that are going to help me or hinder me, bring me life or frustration, to help me thrive or knock me off course. If I fall, I have to choose to get back up.  If I run, I have to learn to rest.  If I fear, I have to be brave.  If I’m empty, I have to fill myself. If I have the opportunity to love, I choose love. I have to keep dreaming, I have to keep planning, and I have to keep seeking my balance, my peace, and my happiness.  As much as I wish I could say a magic word and it be done, I know that’s not the reality of it – and I have to keep moving.  In this selfish world, my joy comes from choosing to love, to find purpose, to give, and to serve.  I have to choose it. I have to do it.  I decide to make my bed first thing in the morning, to love instead of run in fear, and then take the next step, and then the step after that, and so on.  I have to keep moving - THAT’s when I’m most happy. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

The Dead Don't Scare

I went to church for the first time in a long time yesterday, and it felt good. I miss singing praise and worship. I miss the feeling of fellowship of being in the assembly. I still don’t miss the ministry.  I don’t know if I ever will. Anyway, the message was good, reiterated a lot of things I had heard before, reminded me of things I haven’t thought about in a long time, but most of all reassured me that my heart was still in the right place and focused on the right things … loving myself as Christ loves me, and loving my neighbor as myself. But there was a new thought, a new idea that planted seed in my heart and mind, and that is …the dead don’t scare. 

Dead people are not afraid.  Dead people don’t worry and are not moved by circumstances.  I get what the pastor was trying to convey – that since we are now ‘dead’ to our old life, we should not be afraid of the worries in this life, because we are now ‘alive’ in Christ by faith, and He’s got our back. When storms, either hurricanes or emotional train wrecks, come into our lives, we are to respond as ‘dead’ people to those fears and stand fearless in faith.  I get it.  I am not good at it, because most of my life responsibility has fallen on me, and when I’m responsible – I fear failure, I fear struggle, and I fear pain.  I’ve learned, just because I’m ‘in Christ’ doesn’t mean I’m going to be spared from failure, struggle and pain.  On the contrary – I think I feel them more.  So, it’s hard not to fear.  I don’t fear the circumstances, I fear the repercussions, the cost, and the sacrifices that are often required.  They’re hard. 

I see a different side of that phrase, perhaps as a cautionary tale …dead people don’t scare because they don’t care. I’ve been hurt too many times from narcissists and sociopaths, quite frequently by both the last couple of years.  We can have all the care in the world, but we can’t save the world. We can do our part, through our compassion, but we have to do it in balance, not just for their need, but for our need as well.  I believe I have this need and love deep inside me to help.  I try to look at the world and be the kind of person that I needed when I was younger.  I had no help. I had no one. I truly know what it feels like to be in this world unwanted and unloved, discarded, abused, and not matter to a single living soul. It’s not that way anymore. I have many people who love me, many people who care about me, but that feeling never leaves me; I never forget. It pushes me to care about the abused, the suffering, the neglected, and the forgotten.  I don’t jump on a cause bandwagon to be seen as caring and generous, or because it’s the fashionable thing to do. I’ve been giving, volunteering, helping, nurturing, raising, and taking care of people my whole life.  I’m not easy, and I sure as hell don’t placate and patronize.  Some people don’t “need” help - they’re predators, lazy, and/or liars.  I have NO sympathy for them.  But, I will do and give anything for someone struggling and giving everything they’ve got to pull themselves out.  I don’t give hand-outs, but I’m always willing to give a hand-up.

Yesterday, I got to see a group of dedicated people unafraid of the dangers or sacrifices it took to help send aide to the Bahama’s.  This group of men and women gathered their own resources, used their own boats, trucks, contacts, money and time to gather, sort, and pack aide.  They were not part of a big organization, wasn’t looking for photo ops, or wearing colored-coded matching identifying shirts.  These were local folks.  Amongst them were three brave combat veterans geared up, with smiles on their faces, to take relief supplies to the suffering people of the Bahamas amongst pirates and desperate people.  It’s dangerous to show up with a bunch of medicine, food, and supplies in an area devastated by a natural disaster, where looting and piracy is running rampant, and with no protection of a government or military aide.  Yet, they had NO FEAR.  All I saw was a desire to get the supplies to their destination as quick as possible.  I will post more about this Bahama’s 2019 Relief effort more in another blog post, because I want to spotlight these beautiful souls doing this great work, so stayed tuned later this week.

Until then, I’ll be thinking about fear, and how I tackle it.  I fear many things, and that’s natural.  What I want to be able to do is control how I respond to that fear.  That requires a deeper look.  Until then, I just have to keep thinking about how the dead don’t scare.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray