Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Beautiful Sad Dream

I had a very beautiful dream last night. It wasn’t anything kinky or adventurous, just a sweet moment of a man and a woman lying in each other’s arms in a meadow, staring up at the sky, pointing at the clouds, and laughing about what their imaginations morphed the many cirrus wonders into. Of course I’d like to believe I was the woman, but I didn’t recognize the man. He’s not anyone I’ve ever met before, or perhaps a culmination of all the men I’ve known in my life into one.

There was a familiarity about my love, though I saw no details… well, no details of his face. I heard a voice and it was calming and he had a hearty laugh, and it made me giggle like no problems existed in the world. I smelled the light scent of musk, and it made me feel at home after being gone away for a long time. I felt the warmth of his body next to mine and the steady beat of his heart, and it made me feel loved as I’ve never been loved. His outstretched arm was strong just like his gentle hands, and they made me feel safe as if the world held no danger. His fingers intertwined with mine, and it was beautiful, and made me feel complete as if we were one.

The sad part of this beautiful dream is that I had to wake up.

Monday, February 23, 2015

True Devotion

*I am not defending or tearing down this book or movie.  This is about a conversation.*

I had another one of those deep, thought-provoking conversations with a good friend of mine this morning, this time it was on the subject of 50 Shades of Grey and the aspect of devotion. This in-depth enlightenment spawned from a meme that said, “Fifty Shades of Grey is romantic only because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.”

My comment: “I agree… however, what I think most people miss about that whole story, because they’re fixated on the kinky sex (which I think is interesting), is the way Christian made Anastasia feel. That’s what women desire and why they love this story … a man in control, yet completely devoted. That’s desirable, no matter penthouse or trailer park. Unfortunately, there’s not much complete devotion these days, except from perverts, pedophiles and predators.”

His response: “There is devotion. But the women have to make the man feel that way. If you read the book, you will know there is a hint to this all across it that makes him devoted and madly in love with her. If you don’t have that connection right from the start, it is impossible for a man to show that kind of devotion. It’s kinda like that ‘love at first sight’ thing with a twist.”

My response: “I don’t think so, not at first. I think it’s only possible when trust is established. First sight is chemical and the birth of the fairy-tale dream, but devotion is developed along with trust. A woman’s devotion is given to a man she trust with her heart, mind and body. Trust isn’t automatic, but developed. That’s also very apparent in this book. As Anastasia learned to trust Christian, mostly through the BDSM (which is based on trust), she began to trust him with everything else, including her heart.”

His response: “Then you have never loved at first sight. I can tell you that within 5 minutes of meeting someone. I’ve been that devoted.”

My response: “Yes, I have. I didn’t think ‘love at first sight’ existed until it happened to me.”

His response: “So, your statement is incorrect, based on your experience.”

My response: “No, because devotion never manifested in that relationship because of a lack of trust. Not because of anything he did, but because of trust issues deep-seeded in myself, combined with the fact the love was unrequited. I understand devotion. I spent 20 years of my life devoted to a man who didn’t love me out of principle. So, I do believe in devotion, just not complete devotion without trust.”

His response: “Sorry for you. Hard life you had.”

My response: “Nah, it just hasn’t been my time yet. I didn’t know my last love existed before I met him, so I have hope that my next love is out there somewhere and I’ll meet him someday, and I’ll be glad, even if I have him for only one night like the last man completely devoted to me. I’ve had my Christian Grey, that’s how I know such devotion exists when trust is developed. I just lost him, that’s all.”


So what do you believe? Do you believe a man can be completely devoted at first sight? Or do you believe that while he may be attracted at first sight, the true devotion becomes stronger as the trust between the couple grows? One thing I know, if you don’t trust someone, you won’t be totally devoted to them. You’ll hold back a part of yourself out of self-preservation.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Omega Victrix Mortalis - February 2015

Every kind of group filled with human being goes through a constant metamorphosis. It will never be the same today as it was yesterday, or as it will be tomorrow. As long as people have free will, change in inevitable. The same goes for clan membership. Omega Victrix Mortalis is filled with human beings, creatures filled with different backgrounds, ideas, passions, levels of maturity, and experiences. However, there are some traits that should be cultivated in order for the group to strive and continue to grow.

I'm very proud of OVM. There have been some members that have come and gone, others who are in constant pursuit to steal our members away to their own clans, and yet others who come from other places seeking something new, wanting something more than just the game.

What I love most about this clan is that our coming together isn't JUST about the game. We have and are becoming a network of friends who love and support one another in life - not just bounties, strikes, matches, missions, and raids. We are family. It breaks my heart when we lose one of our members to another clan, much the way losing a friend or family member. However, members are free to come and go as they will. As as long as the moves are open and honest, there should be no reason we can't continue to be friends and support one another ..even if we're not clan members. Trust, however, once lost almost impossible to regain. Loyalty is not just a one time thing that is proven with one act, or can be traded for one moment, but is a part of the integrity a person already has within them. I am loyal to my friends and family. They come first. If loyalties are divided, so is the mindset, and also the respect. Matthew 6:24 - "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." Alliances are preferable to divided loyalties. Respect is a two-way street. Promises made should be kept.

OVM has recently added a few new members. Veteran OVM's, please do all you can to welcome new clan members. Attend to their needs, help them with their missions, invite them into your hearts, make room for them into your gaming lives, and treat them with the respect you'd want to receive. Support them, help them become the best at their game, cheer them on, let them know and feel they're part of the family. I love you all. I miss the ones we've lost, but it is what it is. Guard your hearts and don't let your actions be 'just about the game'. OVM is more than just a clan. Destiny, AC Unity, Halo, GTA5, COD, etc. are all just games, but OVM is filled with friends and family, and that is much more important than any game.

Here is the OVM clan roster as of 02/19/2015:

PhoenixMortalis - Founder/God (College Student/CSI)

KV Kvothe - Administrator/Goddess (Writer/Consultant)

iTz CriMSonDxsk - Administrator/God (College Student/Medical Field) - Currently in the finals for COD MLG team! Go, Crimson!

RevertantPath - Administrator/God (High School Student)

CJBIGMAC - Guardian/Demigod (College Student/Mechanical)

iTz CriMSonJr - Guardian/Mascot (Student)

greyNinja - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

Deathstroke1997 - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

GODLY Furrrball - Guardian/Mortal (Business Owner/Operator)

InfernoVictrix - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

XxTrsXShotxX - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

Set Off The DJ - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

oZ Bacon - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

oZ Vinyl - Guardian/Mortal (Canadian... but we won't hold that against him.)

oZ Shocx (Shocx Gaming) - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

the Cheeseki11er - Guardian/Mortal (Student)

BABYDOLL 143 - Guardian/Princess (Bartender)

Till next time,

~KV Kvothe

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Complicated Life

Some of the most profound conversations happen at the oddest times, often unplanned and unexpected. As I was falling asleep last night, my mind half suspended between listening to the repetitive beating of my heart, being grateful to be alive, and trying to catch the swirling thoughts filtering through my mind, I focused on one particular idea fading in and out. Without thought, perhaps subconsciously my soul reaching out to a distant friend, I sent the following text message, “Will life always be this complicated?”

I didn’t expect a response. I closed my eyes, pulled the blankets up to my neck, and hugged my pillow as I started to drift once again into the land of dreams and thoughts. A deep sense of longing for something familiar overwhelmed me. Scenes of my life, people who’ve come and gone, flashed through my mind’s eye. The world keeps changing, nothing ever stays the same, and the people I have loved most in this world have disappeared from my life for various reasons. I hated that moment. I remembered the shallow promises from each one, reminded that life never works out the way we plan, the way we hope, or the way we’ve been led to believe.

I have no regrets, because I’ve lived my life as open and honest as I could, and tried with all my heart to be enough, to be my best, to give my best. It was never enough. It’s my own fault, because I believed the lies, I hoped for the false dreams, I set my expectations high. I thought I could control the outcome with discipline, faithfulness, honesty, faith and hope. I controlled nothing.

The response I received was but a simple word, but it opened the floodgates inside my soul. His words have always been able to do that to me. No matter the state of our relationship, which at this time is non-existent, my muse answered, “Ahuh”.

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, the tears of disappointment, of heartbreak, of facing the reality of a situation. I saw the good of life mixed with the bad, the happy moments meshed with the moments of utter pain, a brief glance of love mixed with the face of indifference. It was all one big mess. I responded, “That’s nice to know, good night.”

He responded, “If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be life.”

That broke the dam inside and I lashed out, “Why doesn’t it come with an instruction manual, or at least a YouTube video, with guidelines? Instead we have fuckups leading fuckups into one rut (a ditch without end) after another, and the independent sojourner aimlessly wandering in never-ending wastelands. Yet, I still dream of paradise (which turns out is actually a sectioned portion of Hell).” 

Meaning – nobody knows the answers, and if we think we do, it’ll turn out to be another lie. We have preachers, prophets and priests telling us their interpretation of God’s guidelines, but all live as hypocrites. We have the politically correct demanding its own set of rules in the name of intolerant tolerance. We have the pacifist, atheist, and various deist all demanding a voice, screaming over each other, but not listening. I am as a child standing in a desert, looking for an answer, but only able to hear a roaring sandstorm. It’s choking me, filling my ears, my mouth, my eyes, and my lungs full of bitter sand. I can’t breathe. My soul needs water. I’m thirsty.

I long for the day when I can close my eyes and finally rest, yet I fight like hell to keep that day from coming as long as I can. Ahuh, life is certainly complicated.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Monday, February 09, 2015


I hear the sound of the pouring rain outside my office and I can’t stop the smile forming across my face. The tempest outside is loud. It’s hard. It wonderfully glorious. Not because I particularly like the rain, which I do, but because I feel as though my naked soul stands beneath a majestic downpour filled with new grace, new life, and new beginnings. I’ve carried around the ashes of grief long enough. I feel light. I feel …ready.

For the first time in my life my present, my life, and my future belong to me, and only me. I’m alive. I’m free. I won’t be chasing dead dreams, but dreaming new ones.

Love me, hate me, envy me, or despise me – I honestly don’t care. Just watch me - amazing things are happening!!!!!!!

It was once prophesied over me that I had been called before I was born, marked and targeted; that my life would be shattered into a million pieces; that there were several tentacle arms reaching out to grab and bind me and keep me from my mission; and that like a ship I would be dashed upon the rocks and left for dead. Yet a tempest would come and wash away the debris and I would rise from the wreckage with 9 stars above my head, sun-kissed, strong, wielding a sword, with coal-touched lips filled with words of fire that would weave its way through the universe and touch the hearts and minds of kings and priests.

When I heard that prophecy the creative writer in me thought it’d make for a good story, but was certain the minister who gave it must clearly be mistaken, confused, and perhaps a little crazy. But those words have never left me. I’d laugh them off at times, chuckle at their absurdity, roll my eyes at their sensationalism, and shake my head. I have no idea what it even means, but perhaps there’s something subconsciously inside me that likes the rain because I’m clinging to a hope for this prophesied relief.

It doesn’t matter. Whether the prophecy is real or a joke, I feel my soul dancing in the rain. I have been shattered, abandoned and broken as I tangled with death – death of a dream, death of a promise, death of a marriage, and death of a friendship – yet I’m still alive. Even cancer couldn’t defeat me.

What do I do now?


Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Thursday, February 05, 2015

Morning Musings and Affectionate Greetings

To those I care about most in this world, I often send a morning musing or an affectionate greeting. Sometimes it’s a blanket statement to all those I cherish, but sometimes they are individual and specific to that particular friend. Some days I don’t send any at all. I never just send them to send them, only when I’m inspired or moved with the full intent and feeling behind them. So, if you get such a greeting from me, it means I value you, been thinking about you, or feel I needed to reach out to you.

My musings are often deep and profound. While the sentiment may be shared by those who may have come before, and more likely to be shared by those who follow, they are always my original thoughts, feelings, or contemplations. I’m a deep thinker. I’m also very passionate and feel very deeply as well – about EVERYTHING. It drives some of my more reserved and practical friends quite crazy. But I am who I am, and I won’t apologize for feeling or thinking the way I do. Love me as I am, or don’t love me at all. I won’t change for you.

I love that place between the dream world and being awake, where my filter of bias hasn’t had a chance to interfere. My inner editor hasn’t even had time to sharpen her red pencil, so I’ve discovered it’s the place where I learn most of the truths about myself, my beliefs, my hopes, my feelings, and even my fears. I don’t always like the things I uncover, but many times I surprise myself, am very pleased, and can’t help but smile at the beautiful woman I’ve discovered there.

Tomorrow morning, just before you open your eyes, listen to your heart. What is your musing telling you?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Not Giving Up ...Changing Gears

Not Giving Up …Changing Gears

Just to be clear, I’m not giving up on dating right now, I’m just not giving it any of my focus. I do plan to return to the wacky world of 21st Century dating after I take a little time to figure out what the hell I want to do first with the rest of my life. I’m at a crossroads …again. I really wish I could find me a nice, long, winding, coastal road, one that I can just sit back and enjoy the scenery and get past all the interchanges.

I’m changing gears. I’m taking a new road. I’m looking for new adventures. One thing I’m not changing is my focus and my direction. I’m not looking backwards. I can’t go back to what had been, and I have to let go of what could’ve been. Both were beautiful dreams, but the journey has moved on and I have to make room for new horizons. I know where I’ve been, I know the road I’m on, I just have no idea where it leads. In some ways I like that – just hitting the open roads and letting it take me where it dares. But, in other ways, I need at least a near point of reference. All I know is forward.

I guess the first question is …what do I want? How the hell do I know? Seriously, do any of us know? I can’t answer that question, not honestly. I know more of what I don’t want than what I do. The only thing I know that I do want is something real. I’m so tired of all the bullshit. I’m tired of the games. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of the delusions.

Over the last several years I have done some really hard soul-searching. I have uprooted everything in my life, put myself out there, and dared to love. I have met some assholes and I have met some angels. But mostly, I’ve met a bunch of liars. Why is the world so afraid to be honest, to be who they really are? I’ll tell you why… it’s because they have no fucking idea who they are or what they want. They can’t even see the obvious lies right in front of their faces. Can I do this, too? ALL THE TIME.

I’m not perfectly minded, but I’m honest. I’m not perfectly sculpted, but I’m real. I’m not perfectly educated, but I’m smart. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I learn from them. We all have fucked up, many times, but we have to learn to get back up and keep moving forward, keep learning, keeps trying, and really live in the moment.

I have faced death and I have won. It’s changed me, I mean, it’s really changed me. It’s not only changed a little part of me, but it’s like I’m being reborn again – made new. There are so many things I could go back to, but the life bubbling inside me refuses to allow me to look backwards. So, I can’t. Sure, there are things the world made say needs to be fixed, but I disagree. I will not step backwards… but forward.

What does this mean to all the plans I once had, the dreams I dared to dream, the work I was working on, and the relationships that have come and gone … that none of them are guaranteed to be a part of my life now. I’m alive. I’m awake. I’m moving on. Everything up to this point has helped get me here, and I’m grateful, but not everything or everyone will be moving onward with me. If it wasn’t good enough to sustain me then, I’m not wasting my time hoping it would sustain me now or in the future. If not loved then, they don’t deserve to love me now.

For those I leave behind, while I may miss you, I don’t need you. I’ve never needed any of you. I wanted your love. If you were in my life it was because I chose you, I loved you, or I wanted you. If you couldn’t simply choose to love me back, that’s your loss and your dumbass decision. I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I won’t love, wait, and chase that which doesn’t want to be found or loved. I can’t save you and it’s not my job to fix you. Love yourself, guys. Me, my love, who I am, what I have, or what I can do for you will never be enough. I don’t want anything from anyone but honesty and something real. Take your lies, your games, and your fucked up ideas and go away. If you couldn’t fight for me in the storm, you don’t deserve to dance with me in the sunlight. I’ve had enough bullshit. I’m so thankful to be alive. I’ve got things to do, places to go, dreams to chase, but I don’t have time for nonsense.

So, having said that – I’m going to take a break from the dating scene for a little while, re-evaluate who I am, what I want, and get my life set on a particular road, and then perhaps take another look at the idea of dating. It’s quite exhausting shoveling through bullshit, talking to people who don’t listen, or caring for people who don’t care in return. I’m running. If you can’t chase me, you sure as hell will never catch me.

I’m happy. There’s been a smile on my face for days now and it’s for simply being appreciative to be alive, for being and loving myself just as I am. I’m alone and happy - go figure. Don’t call me with your problems. I actually don’t answer my phone much these days.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray