Progress

Ever heard the old adage, “If it’s too easy, you’re not reading the fine print?”  Or yet a better one, “If it’s too good to be true, it often isn’t?” There’s always a catch when it comes to shortcuts, especially when it comes to dreams and big obstacles that come into our lives. We are a Burger King world where we want it our way and we want it now. But, life will remind us that it’s not always good to have things ‘our way’ and patience really is a virtue.

Right now I’m working on a couple goals, and healing from a huge obstacle that had been in my life.  I’m not making huge strides, but I am making positive progress, and that’s what matters most.  I’d love to have the speed of the rabbit, but I’m learning the steady pace of the turtle will win my race. 

I write this blog, and post my posts on social media, and my smiling selfies, not so I can shout out to the world to look at me and see what I’m doing.  I write to me, and I post to me, as a way to remind myself where I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.  It’s so I can track my progress.  How do I know if I’m moving forward unless I have these little reminders that mark my journey?

Some think I’m being narcissistic or vain, but I really don’t give a shit what they think. The only people whose opinion truly matters know who they are in my life. They know where I’ve come from, where I want to go, and encourage me every step of the way forward toward progress.  One of the best things I’ve done for myself these past several months was to remove myself from the toxic, judgmental, self-righteous selfishness that beat me down every day. I have surrounded myself with beautiful, loving, kind, considerate, thoughtful, generous, smart, and driven people – because I needed it.  I was exhausted and broken – and even reached a low point where I just wanted to die so I wouldn’t feel pain and disappointment anymore.  I did my best, but I realized that nothing I ever did or would do was ever going to change anything. I was out of place, running the wrong race.  But, now I’m free and I am so thankful for the beautiful people that inspire me.  See, that’s the difference – I’m surround by people that motivate, encourage, and support me, human beings I’m proud to know who don’t ask anything of me, don’t use me, and don’t take advantage of me, but only ask for me to be me and to be happy. 

I needed to be saved – from myself.  I needed to be free - so I could rescue myself. I had to start all over again – from the bottom, but I’m moving up – one small step, one small accomplishment, one small decision, one small action, and one small moment at a time.  I’m making progress.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

New Things, New Friends, New Lease on Life

I can't stress enough how important it is to do and introduce new things into our lives. We humans are creatures of habit and it really takes a conscious effort to make changes and adjustments. It's in our nature to fight against them. We balk, rebuke, and put up thick walls to keep some semblance of an order to things. We select our favorites - foods, pastimes, hobbies, restaurants, music, books, activities, friends, vacation spots, and so on and so forth, and in doing so create daily habits. Depending on those habits, we then wonder why our lives have become stagnant and boring, why our bodies are unhealthy or unfit, or why our dreams continually remain in the dream phase and never turn into actualities. If you can't see these patterns in your life, record them in a daily log - write down all of your interactions (activities, food, thoughts, and recreation) throughout the day for a full month. Then review. You will be surprised at what you actually do, compared to what you think you do.

Most of us don't make decisions toward changes on our own, but are forced through circumstances beyond our control. This is reactionary and perhaps the largest cause of stress and anxiety in our lives. NO ONE likes to be forced to do anything. God doesn't even force His will upon us, but gives us free choice. However, every choice we make has a consequence attached to it. Those we don't like either.

I yo-yo dieted, joined gym after gym, spent tons of money on diet pills and quick weight loss solutions, writing programs, self-help books, motivational materials, and thousands of other 'temporary' fixes hoping to make some change in my life - without actually changing my life. I couldn't see where I was failing. I blamed the diet, the program, the doctors, the hormones, the job, the family, and my own lack of self-esteem or control. Without realizing it, I came to think of myself as weak and a failure and had no desire or will to fight anymore because no matter what I did, I couldn't win. It wasn't until I took inventory and actually logged my diet, my actions, and my choices on a daily basis - and was able to see the 'truth' of the matter, before I could take action. I had deceived myself, thinking I was giving it a good go, but when I looked at the facts in black ink I realized I was a liar, and had lied to myself almost on a daily basis. Once I saw the truth - I couldn't believe the lie anymore and knew I had to make a change.

Over the last couple of years, I've made a LOT of decisions, not just about health and fitness, but about every area in my life. I realized I neglected myself as a woman and as a person. I quit waiting for the magical solution - for SOMETHING to happen that would change my life - and realized that "I" was the change that needed to happen. I needed to love myself enough to believe I deserved better, I deserved to be healthy, I deserved to be active, I deserved to be beautiful, I deserved to loved, I deserved to wanted, I deserved to be desired, I deserved to be successful, I deserved to be respected, I deserved to published, I deserved to be friendly, I deserved to travel, I deserved to explore, I deserved to dream, and most of all... I deserved to be happy.

Once I believed it, I started making changes. I started cutting out old things, people, and habits that held me back or pressed me down and introduced "new" into my life almost on a daily basis. I QUIT all the habits I had before and started creating new ones. I regularly keep a journal of those activities, because as soon as they become habits I will introduce new things to mix them up. I don't diet - I changed the way I eat, why I eat, what I eat, and the how I eat. I didn't join a gym, I changed the way I viewed exercise, why I exercise, and how I exercise. I changed a lot of my friends - left those who judged, were negative, who only showed support with their lips but not their actions and surrounded myself with people who encourage me, tell me what I need to hear, and believe in me and my success.

This isn't a 10-step temporary program - this is a life change. It has to start on the inside. I quit trying to make my outside control how I felt on the inside and focused on healing the inside (how I felt about myself) and the outside has slowly changed to match the gigantic changes within. I've lost nearly 100 lbs and a 100 friends, I can now jog a mile without wanting to die, I look great, I feel great, I'm writing more, I'm happier, and I've been on more adventures in the past year than the last 20 combined. I'm a completely new and different person. I still have things to work out. My life isn't perfect. I still have struggles and fears and failures. I still have worries and concerns. I still have needs and wants. But on most days, I don't allow those things to beat me down. I embrace the changes, I look forward to the new ...new things, new friends, and a new lease on life.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

New Friends - Part III of the Adventures of Jude and Tammy

Jude jumped up and down, pumping his little fist into the air.  “Yeah, I smoked you, Tammy!”

Tammy flicked her long auburn hair over her shoulder and smiled up at her celebrating friend.  “You got me this time. But, my turn is next.”  She picked up her favorite tiger-eyed marble and stuffed it into her dress pocket. 

Snatching up the remainder ducks, Jude filled his pockets with his treasured marbles.  “What you wanna play next?”  He plopped down in the dirt next to Tammy?  He looked over at her and smiled.  “Just so you know. You’re my best friend, Tammy.”

Tammy wrinkled her nose and looked up at Jude, who had the bright sun behind him, causing her to only see his silhouetted outline.  “You’re my best friend, too, Jude.”

Jude shrugged.  “Okay, cool.”  He looked around and then asked, “Do you want to play hide and seek?”

“Who’s it?” 

“I’ll be it.  You go hide.” Jude smiled. 

Jumping up, Tammy bent over and placed a quick kiss on Jude’s cheek and then took off running into the woods.

Jude reached up and quickly wiped the kiss off. He wrinkled his brows and pursed his lips together and grumbled, “I wish she’d stop doing that.” He stood up and shoved his hands deep into his pockets and started walking into the woods, now in no hurry to seek Tammy and her stupid kisses.

Walking down the wooded path, Jude started kicking a pine cone down the trail and wasn’t watching where he went.  Angry at Tammy because he had told her a ton to stop being a silly girl, that he didn’t like kisses, but she didn’t do what he said.  He reared back and kicked the cone as hard as he could, sending it flying into the woods. 

The cone hit a nearby tree, pinged back and then rolled down the hill.  Jude took off running after it.  He loved to run.  The cone bopped, bounced and hopped down the hill and then rolled onto the edge of the playground, coming to stop just below one of the see-saws.  “Katy, stop!” He yelled at the girl riding high on the see-saw as it drifted toward the earth toward his pine cone.

Her little feet touched the ground, but she held the see-saw from coming all the way down and then turned her head back toward him.  “Oh, hey, Jude.”

Jude gave her a little wave and quickly bent down to pick up his pine-cone football. 

“Can you help me off?” Katy asked, nodding toward the other see-saw rider. 

Rearing back, Jude took aim at a nearby tree and launched his pinecone with a mighty throw.  Together the two children watched it fly through the air, hit the bark of a nearby tree and then bounce off into the underbrush.  Jude then reached over and held the see-saw while Katy slid off, and then slowly lowered it for the other rider. 

“Thank you, Jude,” Katy answered.  She nodded toward the other rider.  “Silas is heavier than me and every time I slide off, it makes him hit the ground hard.”

Jude shrugged. 

Katy smiled at him.  “Do you want to come with me to the pond and race boats?”

“Nah, I don’t like racing boats.”

“Climb the monkey bars?”

“Nah, I did that already.”

“Well, what do you want to do?”

Jude poked his hands in his pockets and pulled out a handful of marbles.  “Do you like to play marbles?”

Katy smiled.  “I never played. Can you teach me how?”

“Sure,” Jude answered, and then launched right into explaining the rules of the games as he walked beside Katy toward the sand box.

Together, Jude and Katy played marbles well into the afternoon.  She learned the rules quickly, loved to laugh out loud and squeal with delight every time she sank a duck into the center hole.  Jude loved teaching her how to play and he didn’t mind her giving him a hug every time she sank another duck. Though he had fun, something tugged on the edge of his mind, but he kept pushing the feeling away so he could concentrate on the game.  If he didn’t watch it closely, he could lose, and Jude hated losing more than anything.

It wasn’t too long, Jude heard his mother calling him and he began to gather all his marbles.  Katy handed them all over willingly except for the white shooter he called Snowball. 

“This one is so pretty.  Can I have it?” Katy asked.

Jude froze.  He looked down at his marble then back up at Katy.  Everything inside him wanted to snatch his marble away, but he found himself shaking his head up and down. 

Katy squealed with delight and reached over and kissed Jude on the cheek. 

He wiped the kiss off his cheek and grumbled.  “Tammy, I already told you stop doing that!”

Katy pulled back.  “Who’s Tammy?”

A sinking feeling hit Jude in the center of his stomach as he looked over his shoulder into the darkening woods, back toward where Tammy had ran earlier that morning, where he never went to find her.