Monday, July 06, 2015

Jameson - Zella Day

*Words in italics – Song lyrics to Jameson  - by Zella Day  *Go out and buy this song!!!

This song really breaks my heart.  According to an interview with Zella Day in LA Times, she states, “I've never really written a song like that. It's about falling for an alcoholic. It has this hopelessness, but at the same time there's this light at the end of the tunnel, so there's this sort of weird war. It's kind of like love, but being in love with something you can't have because something [else] already has it."

For me, this song is about loving someone you can’t have, someone that’s gone or with someone else, and the war inside is one of bargaining and pleading to let go, but being unable.  It’s all five stages of grief. 

I remember the stage of negotiation, begging God to change a difficult situation, and being completely helpless to change anything.  The only choice left was to face the pain, acceptance, but it was the kind of pain that couldn’t be faced at once.  I remember when my fiancé was deployed to Somalia.  He’d been deployed a few times before, but all those other times he wasn’t mine.  This time, he was my hero, my love, and he took my heart with them.  Many nights trying to get through the day, I’d stare into the stars.  I’d bargain with God to bring my soldier home. I remember saying the words aloud, “The world doesn’t need him like I do, please just bring him back to me.”

Words are meant to be taught.

My hero didn’t come home.  My bargaining didn’t stop with his death.  The only thing that changed were my prayers.  “Please God, you don’t need him like I do, send him back to me.”  When that didn’t work, I told myself every day I was okay, but I wasn’t.  I hid inside middle class morality and wore my mask of obedient compliance and contentment,  yet inside cried and battled a pain that wouldn’t go away.

Love’s not meant to be lost.
You said that if I’m happy you’re cured,
But I’m not.

I thought I’d never feel fire again.  I had loved others, but my soul hadn’t danced in more than twenty years, not until I met a particular soldier.  By all common sense and practicality he wasn’t what I thought I wanted or needed in my life.  I tried to run, to hide, to not love him, but my heart betrayed me.  I tried so hard to be indifferent,  to build my walls, to pretend I didn’t care.  I knew the moment I met him he’d break my heart. I was scared more than I’d ever been. I don’t know if it was because I pushed him away, or he just never felt the same fire, we got stuck and ended up in the friend zone.

I know you have a delicate fate,
You’re a quiet man, but in the worst way,
I’m not a follower and I won’t follow you down

He went on to love another.  I stopped breathing the day I found out he got married. I felt my heart stop. Then the bargaining and war between my heart and head enraged as I became the other woman.

Oh, Jameson, you’ve had your fun, stop holding him I want to be the one.
I promise you, I’ll treat him right, don’t want to fight. You don’t need him like I do.

It was supposed to be a zone of safety, getting to enjoy all the good of him, but safe from me getting my heart broke. Instead, I grew to love him even more, to love his mind, his heart, his courage, his sense of humor, all of his stupid little philosophies.  I tried to find that fire in another set of eyes, another pair of hands, another heart – but it was him I was looking for in every smiling face staring back at me.  He was my last thought before I closed my eyes and the first when I woke, and often the star of my dreams.  So many nights I fell asleep on a damp pillow and stumbled through the day hiding wet eyes behind a smile and a pair of glasses.

I waited in the street outside, sat in my car till my tears dried.
I’m justifying people with pain, tonight.

It’s so easy to say ‘just turn it off’, but I’m finding that’s impossible.  The right thing would be to move one, to forget the past, to open my heart to someone new.   That’s what my head says all the time.  My heart …well, my heart is an idiot. The world has their judgments, and has found me guilty.  Many would say I deserve the pain I feel because I dared to love another woman’s man. I loved him first.  I’m my greatest accuser; my harshest judge, but I have no shame for loving him.

I watched your fingers point at the blame, it’s the darkest of gray when you explain.
I’m not a follower, I won’t follow you down.

I have no right to be angry - not at her, not at him , not even at myself.  She’s just a woman who fell in love with a man.  She’s no different than me, except he loved her back and chose her.  While my heart wants what it wants, I have to learn to survive, I have to learn to heal. I have to learn to breathe again.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression… acceptance.

Oh, Jameson, you’ve had your fun, stop holding him I want to be the one.
I promise you, I’ll treat him right, don’t want to fight. You don’t need him like I do.

I have no choice.  I have to move on.  I have to breathe.  How does one exist without their heart? One day at a time.  I’ve since had many opportunities to give my heart away. I’ve had proposals and offers for rational, practical relationships – but I won’t settle for anything less than the hottest of fires.

I know I’ll be okay.  Don’t tell me where or which way you go.
Find someone else to take my place.  You want me, but treat me like you don’t.

Oh, Jameson, go have your fun, keep holding him if he’s really the one.  Just promise me you’ll treat him right, don’t want to fight, and need him like I did.

My hope is to love again, and that it not take 20 years for my heart to heal. I deserve someone who will love me, completely, as I love them.  The man who finally gets my heart is going to be a very lucky man, because I already know that I’ll love him with such deep devotion … something beyond my comprehension… something more than words can contain.  How do I know?  I know… because I’ve already done it twice.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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