The Dead Don't Scare

I went to church for the first time in a long time yesterday, and it felt good. I miss singing praise and worship. I miss the feeling of fellowship of being in the assembly. I still don’t miss the ministry.  I don’t know if I ever will. Anyway, the message was good, reiterated a lot of things I had heard before, reminded me of things I haven’t thought about in a long time, but most of all reassured me that my heart was still in the right place and focused on the right things … loving myself as Christ loves me, and loving my neighbor as myself. But there was a new thought, a new idea that planted seed in my heart and mind, and that is …the dead don’t scare. 

Dead people are not afraid.  Dead people don’t worry and are not moved by circumstances.  I get what the pastor was trying to convey – that since we are now ‘dead’ to our old life, we should not be afraid of the worries in this life, because we are now ‘alive’ in Christ by faith, and He’s got our back. When storms, either hurricanes or emotional train wrecks, come into our lives, we are to respond as ‘dead’ people to those fears and stand fearless in faith.  I get it.  I am not good at it, because most of my life responsibility has fallen on me, and when I’m responsible – I fear failure, I fear struggle, and I fear pain.  I’ve learned, just because I’m ‘in Christ’ doesn’t mean I’m going to be spared from failure, struggle and pain.  On the contrary – I think I feel them more.  So, it’s hard not to fear.  I don’t fear the circumstances, I fear the repercussions, the cost, and the sacrifices that are often required.  They’re hard. 

I see a different side of that phrase, perhaps as a cautionary tale …dead people don’t scare because they don’t care. I’ve been hurt too many times from narcissists and sociopaths, quite frequently by both the last couple of years.  We can have all the care in the world, but we can’t save the world. We can do our part, through our compassion, but we have to do it in balance, not just for their need, but for our need as well.  I believe I have this need and love deep inside me to help.  I try to look at the world and be the kind of person that I needed when I was younger.  I had no help. I had no one. I truly know what it feels like to be in this world unwanted and unloved, discarded, abused, and not matter to a single living soul. It’s not that way anymore. I have many people who love me, many people who care about me, but that feeling never leaves me; I never forget. It pushes me to care about the abused, the suffering, the neglected, and the forgotten.  I don’t jump on a cause bandwagon to be seen as caring and generous, or because it’s the fashionable thing to do. I’ve been giving, volunteering, helping, nurturing, raising, and taking care of people my whole life.  I’m not easy, and I sure as hell don’t placate and patronize.  Some people don’t “need” help - they’re predators, lazy, and/or liars.  I have NO sympathy for them.  But, I will do and give anything for someone struggling and giving everything they’ve got to pull themselves out.  I don’t give hand-outs, but I’m always willing to give a hand-up.

Yesterday, I got to see a group of dedicated people unafraid of the dangers or sacrifices it took to help send aide to the Bahama’s.  This group of men and women gathered their own resources, used their own boats, trucks, contacts, money and time to gather, sort, and pack aide.  They were not part of a big organization, wasn’t looking for photo ops, or wearing colored-coded matching identifying shirts.  These were local folks.  Amongst them were three brave combat veterans geared up, with smiles on their faces, to take relief supplies to the suffering people of the Bahamas amongst pirates and desperate people.  It’s dangerous to show up with a bunch of medicine, food, and supplies in an area devastated by a natural disaster, where looting and piracy is running rampant, and with no protection of a government or military aide.  Yet, they had NO FEAR.  All I saw was a desire to get the supplies to their destination as quick as possible.  I will post more about this Bahama’s 2019 Relief effort more in another blog post, because I want to spotlight these beautiful souls doing this great work, so stayed tuned later this week.

Until then, I’ll be thinking about fear, and how I tackle it.  I fear many things, and that’s natural.  What I want to be able to do is control how I respond to that fear.  That requires a deeper look.  Until then, I just have to keep thinking about how the dead don’t scare.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

The Graduate

Congratulations to Anthony Z. Smith, Class of 2019 Heritage High School, Palm Bay, Florida. 

You did it, Anthony!  You’ve exceeded your parents, brought a new generation to a higher level of education, and accomplished something that took most of your life to achieve.  It’s no simple feat, but remember you didn’t do it alone. Graduation isn’t only your dream, but the dream of your father, mother, grandparents, step parents, siblings, other family members and friends. While you’ve made many personal sacrifices to get there, so have many others in your life, but mostly your dad, to thank for your success.

YOU are Jon’s pride and joy. YOU are his greatest accomplishment. Your graduation was one of his dreams from the moment he found out you were on the way into this world. I’ve watched your father get up early to get you to school (yes, he missed a few mornings – that’s an understatement) and then cut his work day short to pick you up.  He made many sacrifices for you over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.  He didn’t miss a concert.  You were too busy on the stage to see the pride and hope that beamed from his eyes as he sat in the audience.  I’m sure many times he asked himself how he got so blessed to have you as a son.  He often beats himself up because he wished he could have given you more, but he gave you the best he had – his heart.  He chose you, and your brother, above all and everyone else.  That’s one of the reasons you are where you are – you had help getting there. Make sure you tell him you appreciate him.

BUT, my son (you will always be my son), YOU made the biggest impact to get to this point in your life. I’m so proud of you.  You always made your school work a priority. You set the goal, and you achieved it. You could have given up, like so many around you, but you didn’t, and for that you should be proud.  You did it! 

I know I’m not anyone significant or important in your life anymore, but I’m so proud of you. Tears of joy and love stream down my face as I write this blog post and anticipate watching you walk across that stage on Friday in your cap and gown. (Please tell me your dad got your cap and gown.)

This is the end of a big chapter in your life, the door of adolescence closing behind you as you walk into the realm of adulthood. Everything in your life is changing – everything. It’s time to put those childish things behind you and pick up your sword and fight in life, because, Son, that’s exactly what you will have to do in order to succeed.  You’re going to have to fight for everything.  It is now YOUR responsibility to make things happen. It’s no longer your Dad’s responsibility. While he may be there for you – this is your job now.  It’s YOUR obligation to make something of yourself, to get a job, to go to college, to provide for yourself, to shape the life you live.  The kind of man YOU are will now be determined by the choices YOU make. You are a handsome, smart, caring young man – and I just hope I have the honor and privilege to get to see you succeed in life, even if it’s from a distance.  I may not be in your everyday life now, but you will ALWAYS be my son, and always be in my heart.  I chose you, remember.  I still choose you. You may not be my son by birth, but you are my son by love, and I will always love you.

Be smart, Anthony. Be vigilant.  It’s time to put down the game controller and put on your mantle.  You have the ability to br better than you ever believed, to go further than you’ve ever dreamed, and do things more than you’ve ever imagined. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life these last three years. It has been an honor and privilege to know you, to love you, and now watch you graduate.

I love you, Anthony Z. Smith – Congratulations high school graduate!

~Tonya

Sunrise Healing

I’ve been watching the sunrise lately at different beaches.  There’s just something about it, something about watching that big ball of fire break through the morning clouds, rise out of the sea to greet me, that just does something for my soul.  I can’t explain it.  I can’t even really describe it.  I may have a whole thesaurus at my disposal, but in that moment, I’m speechless, without words, just full of feeling, full of life, full of appreciation.  Medicine to my bones. 

I’ll have to find my spot.  I know it’s out there somewhere.  Went to Indialantic, stopped by Starbucks and got me a warm Carmel Macchiato, and walked over to the beach to find myself surrounded by more than half-dozen of other people I assume arrived for the same reason.  Except they wanted to socialize instead of be in the moment.  It didn’t upset me my quiet was disrupted, but it did help me realize that’s exactly what I wanted… silence, solitude, an intimate moment with me and the world. 

Nature soothes me. It always has.  It was my beautiful sanctuary in my world of rage, of pain, of chaos.  As a child, I often ran to the woods to get lost among the trees, trails, and let my imagination take me on an adventure somewhere far, far, away. 

While the sun gets all the attention, I know that it’s not the only element that cleanses my soul.  There’s the wind, the waves, the water, the sand, the smell of salt in the air, the cry of the birds overhead, etc.  They all work together like a well-choregraphed symphony, each in tune, each have their individual parts to play.  It’s a movement that never stops.  It ebbs and flows, softens and builds, rises and falls, yet keeps going on and on and on and on.  This is how our souls also move… continually, non-stop, without pause.  Sometimes it’s in full motion like a hurricane, and other times a soft, gentle roll, yet its moving, it’s playing, it’s dancing, or it’s dying. 

The sunrise heals my soul.  My soul has taken a beating lately, and I can’t express the sunrise healing I’ve been receiving lately.  Let it heal.

Today the clouds are thick and the wind is a little hard, and there’s a little chill in the air, but… let it rise.  Let it rise. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Dragon Point

Well, I'm writing a new story, and I'm really excited about it.
Here's just a snippet to get you started. 

“I saw a dragon today. It’s not every day a girl gets to see a dragon, but I’m not your typical girl and this isn’t your average dragon. Before I get into the details of the mysterious beast and the amazing story of what happened, I must take you back to a beginning. All adventures should have a good beginning, and this one has a most curious one.”

 It was a cold, windy day and not a single cloud appeared in the bright azure sky. Baby cobalt kissed the horizon, while deep cerulean ruled the atmosphere. The golden sun god sent its rays in fat, voluminous beams coaxing thousands of sapphires to sparkle upon the rippled water. Poseidon’s presence was felt as the Renascence cut through the dark waters disembarking from Waterline Marina, slowly meandering around Ballard Park, and then into the beautiful Indian River. 

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

**Image from https://www.pinterest.com/explore/simon-garfunkel/

There are some songs I remember from my childhood, songs like nursery rhymes, rock-n-roll anthems my parents used to play in the car or through the house as they were getting stoned, school songs, and that odd song that would randomly come on the radio or television. One of those songs is The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) by Simon & Garfunkel. I can’t tell you when I first heard the song, but just know that forty-four some-odd years later, I still remember it; every-single-word.

“Slow down, you move too fast. Ya got to make the mornin’ last, just kickin’ down the cobble-stone, lookin’ for fun and feelin’ groovy. Da-da-da-da-da… feelin’ groovy. Hello, lamppost, what ‘cha knowin’. I’ve come to watch your flowers growin’. Ain’t ya got no rhymes for me? Da-da-da-da-da… feelin’ groovy. I got no deeds to do, no promises to keep. I’m dappled and drowsy and ready for sleep. Let the mornin’-time drop all its petals on me. Life I love ya’, all is groovy.”

Facing the next 3-4 weeks of a 50-hour work schedule, that’s what I’d like… for the world just to slow down a little bit. But, it doesn’t. It never does. It reminds me of another song that says, “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.” Boy, those hippies of the 60’s and 70’s may have been stoned, but they had some really profound sayings.

I woke up this morning listening to the birds singing their morning song. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to their soulful melodies because I moved to a freakin’ hot state that is awfully humid, forcing me to keep the windows shut and the air-conditioner constantly humming it’s dull, dreadful song. For a woman who dreams of breathing in fresh mountain air, this Florida whether is about the farthest thing away from anything I want. But I’m here, and I’m trying to make the best of the hard decision I made to come.

But, just because my life is spinning wide open like a treadmill set on fast speed and I have to keep up or else I’ll lose my footing and go flying off the end, I can choose to regulate my breathing, slow down my mind, and fall into pace. I can choose to enjoy those simple things like listening to the bird’s morning song, remember staring into pair of beautiful, brown eyes and feeling the warmth of a strong pair of arms, listening to the laughter of a simple joke, playing a game of Nancy Drew with my best friends, feel the excitement of meeting someone new, getting to know my co-workers, and taking one slow step at a time at living out loud.

So, as Simon & Garfunkel sang, let’s all just slow down a little bit, make the morning last, take a few moments and just breathe, smell the flowers of life, feel the love of those around us. I feel loved this morning having received unexpected messages from some of my favorite people in the world. It wasn’t earth-shattering messages, just simple hellos from old friends, new friends, past friends, and friends I hope to be there in my life for always. I don’t love easy, but I do love deeply.

Till next time,

~Groovy-Feelin’ Hippy