I'm Hanging Up my Cape for a Compass

The world is a crazy place.  The earth is a beautiful wonder, a magical exclamation of awe and excellence. People inside it come in all shapes, sizes, and ideals.  I have to shake my head sometimes at the ignorance and intolerance that spreads like an incurable disease, but I refuse to let it destroy my view and make it an ugly place.  I’m weary from trying to save it, when I can’t even save myself.

I’ve allowed too many people to steal my dreams and crush my hopes, that I’ve become quite protective over them these days.  I no longer trust the words of “someday” or “tomorrow” because those never seem to come and end up being broken promises.  I am learning to live in the day.  I’m learning to be happy with me and do what I can to make my immediate world a better place - not by fighting some political, social, or spiritual war, but by loving myself and extending what love I can to those around me or who I might meet. 

Ask yourself…

1.  Who are you?  Really, look deep inside and determine who you are – what you like, what moves you, what you dream, what you desire, what makes you happy.
2. Where have you been? Have you been somewhere in your life you cherish and that made your soul sing?  If not, what keeps you from going out and exploring the world to find that place?  Are you afraid?  What excuses do you use to keep you where you are?  What about circumstances in life – are you where you want to be? 
3. What have you done?  What have you done for yourself, for others, for the world?  What impact on this earth have you made?  What mark will you leave? 

We only get so many days on this earth, and we have no control when that last day will come, and it’s up to US – not someone else – to make the best of the days we have.  It’s the everyday, little decisions and moments that make up our lives, it’s where we do our living.  What do you fill your moments with?  What are the consequences for those little decisions?

I want to go, I want to do, I want to see, I want to experience, I want to explore, I want to know, I want to taste, and I want to feel – EVERYTHING.  I want to make wild, passionate love, I want to laugh, I want to dance, I want to sing, I want to be loved.

I’m making plans -  but I’m going even one step further than that because I’m not waiting on tomorrow and someday – and I’m doing.  You can either come along with me, or stay behind.  I can’t let anyone steal these things from me any longer or crush my hopes for them in my life.  Someone else can save the world.  I’m hanging up my cape for a compass.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Navigational Breakdown

As most of you know, I am currently reading “Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck, and the quote above was a question she asked a man named Melvin.  This middle-aged professional went to see a therapist and this was the first of three questions asked of him, and of course for which Melvin had no answer.  It wasn’t asked because the therapist was interested in delving into Melvin’s childhood, but to see if he could connect with his inner self; his inner child. 

“The conversation I had with Melvin’s “social self”, the part of him that had learned to value the things that were valued by the people around him.  This “social self” couldn’t tell me what Melvin loved, enjoyed or wanted, because it literally didn’t known.  It didn’t remember Melvin or his childhood, because it had spent years telling him to ignore what he preferred and stop acting like a child.”  ~Martha Beck – Finding Your Own North Star

I really related to Melvin.  For many years I was in what I called “survival mode”, a state-of-being focused on simply surviving the day.  In this state, there was no time or opportunity to focus on what was wanted, because I was too busy trying to fulfill what was needed, therefore causing suppression of those things I loved, enjoyed or wanted.  I had been in survival mode for as long as I could remember, so, like Melvin, wouldn’t have understood the question had it also been asked of me.   I’ve lived a comfortable life for the past two decades, and perhaps during the last half, I started to seek out the answers to those simple questions. What do I love? What do I enjoy? What do I want?

According to Beck, this part of ourselves is called the “essential self”, something born a curious, fascinated and playful little creature.  “After forty-five years, it still contained powerful urges toward individuality, exploration, spontaneity, and joy.  But by repressing these urges for years and years, Melvin’s “social self” had lost access to them.  It was inevitable that Melvin would also lose his true path, because while his social self was the vehicle carrying him through life, it was cut off from his essential self, which had all the navigational equipment that pointed toward his North Star.”

I’m finding myself back to a balance.  From all outward appearances it may seem I’m lost at sea without a rudder or a compass, but that was the state I had been – a proverbial navigational breakdown, but not anymore.  I’m making the hard adjustments and gaining control of my ship.  A storm still rages, the waters are tumultuous, but I see small glimpses of my North Star and am holding the helm steady. My ship is taking a beating, but I’m still afloat, I still sail, and I will arrive at my destination.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray