Addictions, Consequences, and Directions

I’ve been reading … well, let me clarify, I’ve been studying …“Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck for some time now.  I’m still only at the beginning, because I don’t move forward until I feel I understand what I’ve already read.

This morning I was reading the chapter on Reconnecting and came across a section about addiction.  In this part she talks about an overachieving guy named Allen who would occasionally embark on an alcoholic binge.  What Beck says in this chapter really resonated with me because it’s a principle I’ve found to be true in my own life over the past couple of years.  When Allen started recognizing that his essential self no longer needed to hijack his behavior, because he started understanding what his social-self needed, he made some very drastic changes in his life, his family, and his job.  Everyone he knew was upset about all the changes, and by all outward appearances it looked like his life was a mess.  But Allen was happy because both parts of him were on the right path, and he no longer found himself binging.  

When I’m doing what I know I was created to do, the work isn’t work to me, it’s just part of what I enjoy.  When situations come into my life that threaten to keep me from doing those things, I get stressed, filled with anxiety, depressed, angry, and sometimes turn to an addictive behavior (not your typical devices – for me it’s pushing the world away and isolating myself to a lethargic state).

I understand this.  But so far I’ve yet to discover how to stop it from happening.  When my basic needs are not met while I’m participating in fulfilling both my essential and social selves and being happy, it forces me to have to seek supplication elsewhere, therefore pulling me away from the path toward my true north star. I then fall into a self-destructive pattern where I can’t sleep and my stress levels shoot to the roof. 

Philosophers, poets, and therapists make it sound like all these dramatic life changes just happen and there are no dire consequences.  They don’t just happen and sometimes the consequences of letting something go costs you more than you can often afford.  Sometimes there are not simple answers and solutions right around the corner. No matter how much you understand the source of a problem, knowing about it doesn’t make life any easier and it isn’t some magic word that puts everything in the proper order.  Sometimes it’s a fight to get where you know you need to be.

Saying you have to do what you have to do, Beck says this is a battle cry from the social self. I understanding taking a stand can cost you.  It’s cost me my livelihood, my marriage, just about all my friends.  She ends with a quote from the Bible about the dangers of gaining the whole world but losing your soul.  Believe me, I’ve put it on the line for that very reason.  I have no regrets of what I’ve put on the line.  

But, what I’d like to know… is how much can one truly lose before they once again make a decision to do what they have to do, even if it takes them off the track to their north star?  There is such a thing of losing it all… having nothing, no one, and nowhere to go.  Just volunteer at any homeless shelter and you’ll see it.  Would you be willing to go that far?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

In the Depth of Winter

Being stuck at home with the roads iced over and just my thoughts for company, the snow and quiet gave me plenty of time to think.  For someone like me, someone who over-thinks everything, that’s not necessarily a good thing.  However, I’m so intrigued with the universe it’s caused me to enjoy my isolation. 

This morning amid the rush of conducting interviews, setting up photo shoots, finishing up my latest review project, writing my articles in a mad dash to meet tomorrow’s deadlines, and laughing at the silliness of my friends on Facebook, I caught a moment of reflection.  As I stood by the French doors, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa and watching the birds play in the snow, I meditated on a quote by philosopher Albert Camus. 

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

Within us all abides everything we need to navigate this life.  Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star delicately states it as, “Explorers depend on the North Star when there are no other landmarks in sight.  The same relationship exists between you and your right life, the ultimate realization of your potential for happiness.  I believe that the knowledge of that perfect life sits inside you just as the North Star sits in its unfaltering spot.”

I understand going through winter, and I’m not talking about cold temperatures and snow, but a season in life where everything is in hibernation, cold, hidden.  This has me pondering what Camus meant by an invincible summer. Invincible means incapable of being conquered, subdued, or defeated; insuperable, insurmountable.  I’ve learned recently, having been afraid concerning the defeat of my soul, I’m stronger than I thought and haven’t faltered.  I still breathe. I still live.  I still hope.  I still believe in better days and finding success in life and love; shining beneath the summer sun.

To me, summer is happiness, joy and freedom.  So, according to Camus and Beck, I have everything within me, no matter what season I’m going through, to possess an invincible summer.  I believe it.  As I stare at the snow, I don’t see cold and wet, but beauty and wonder.

The same is true for everyone …we all possess the same potential.  So, even as we brave the snow and ice …let our inner light shine.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Soul-Searching on a Tuesday Morning

You know, I really wish I had everything figured out, I knew the answers to all my problems, the direct path to fulfill my dreams, the key to finding and keeping love, and which door truly leads to peace and happiness.  Come on now, I can hear many of those automatic responses popping into your head as you read this blog post, because you do the same thing.   But, every day I’m learning more and more I don’t even know the questions, much less the answers.  I convince myself, almost on a daily basis, of what is the right thing for me to do.  But at the end of each day, I feel like I’m keeping a journal of all the wrong things to avoid, having experienced them first hand. So, here I am once again soul-searching on a Tuesday morning. Once again, I’m totally lost.

Knowing I can’t trust my emotions and decision-making process, I turn to a few varied sources; people I trust and admire and books that stretch my understanding and test my faith.  I’ve chosen four inspirations this morning.  Let’s just hope I can make some kind of sense out of all this turmoil.  I’m so tired of being lost and afraid.  I’m exhausted, frustrated, and just spent.  Please let me find an answer, or at least something to hold onto with a tendril of assurance.

I’m a woman of faith.  You can’t tell it by most of the decisions I’ve made in my life recently, not if you’re looking on the outside.  But it’s by my faith, and through my love and relationship with my God that I first learned to love myself.  In loving me, I’ve made some bold moves to find me.  Unless you’re on the same journey as me, my actions seem detriment to most faiths.  Everyone has an idea of what a faithful servant looks like, but I’m finding most people don’t look past an image, behind a mask, beneath the flesh, and right into the heart.  We lie to ourselves, expecting our blind obedience to bring a life of prosperity and easiness, yet that’s never been the promise.  I find myself constantly saying, “I’ll be happy when…”  NO!  I must be happy right in the middle of my chaos.  If I let hardship, fear, loneliness or anxiety steal my joy, take away my faith, I’ve already lost.  If I can’t smile, even as these tears streak down my face and I shake with fear, then what’s the point? 

Ecclesiastes 12:1 – “Remember now your Creator in the days of your youth, before the difficult days come, and the years draw near when you say, ‘I have no pleasure in them’; while the sun and the light, the moon and the stars, are not darkened, and the clouds do not return after the rain…”  We’re not taught in Sunday school such days lay ahead for us, not for the faithful and the obedient.  No, for us awaits rainbows and sunshine.  I have come to know these dark times intimately, I’ve known them most of my life, yet I still hope and believe.  Keep in mind, I did tell you at the beginning of this post I don't know the answers.

My next source of soul-searching comes from a book that was given to me on my birthday by a dear friend called, “Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck.  I’ve been studying the chapter titled The Disconnected Self.  Ms. Beck explains there are two halves to each of us (our essential self and our social self), and having balance of these two halves is detriment to us discovering our own North Star, our true purpose in life, our life design, our fulfilling existence.  I immediately recognized my own imbalance, well really I’ve been aware of it long before being given this book, but Ms. Beck helps me identify just how and why I’m unbalanced. I’m a results-driven person. 

My value has always been wrapped up in my performance and productivity.  It’s been rewarded and punished, given and taken based on my achievements and accomplishments.  I could always answer… “I’m loved, appreciated and wanted because …”, and then fill in the blank.  Not loved, appreciated and wanted just as I am; strengths and weaknesses, accomplishments and failures, etc.  There’s always an excuse why - “I’m just not attracted, it’s just not the right time, if things were different, if I wasn’t, if you weren’t …”  My father used to tell me, “There’s something about you that brings out the best and worst in me.  I hate how you make me feel.  If you do this to everyone else, no one will ever love you all the way, because you make them see themselves for who they are, and nobody likes who they really are.”  His words have always haunted me, made me feel responsible for being a disappointment to everyone, always setting impossible standards no one can fulfill, not even myself. 

“Today, the Melvins (results-driven) of the world are being downsized out of the very careers for which they sacrificed their essential selves.” ~Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star.  I remember the years of busting tables, wiping asses, living paycheck to paycheck, and climbing the ladder with doing whatever it took to succeed - late nights, overtime, two jobs, and endless sacrifices for family and friends, fighting for the days when all the struggle would pay off - …after the degree …after the first paycheck …after the next raise …after the mortgage is paid off …after the kids are grown.  Guess, what? After never came.  I sacrificed so many moments in pursuit of achievements I thought I had to have to be loved, wanted, needed and desired.  Here I am now with nothing and alone, all those things I sacrificed for, all those people I tried to please… where are they? The true treasure I lost was me.  I chose me, and all those things (money, career, prestige, success, relationships) disappeared.  I have to start over, but this time will be different.  This time is for me.

My last two inspirations come from two very special men who have come into my life this past year.  The admiration and respect I have for them is so abundant it’s overwhelming really.  Because the things I truly admire about them aren't anything tangible, but in how they show the world to me through their words, their writing, their friendships, and their gifts.  It’s like our souls connected on a higher plane.  Well, their souls connected.  I still feel sometimes like an observer, not really worthy to be in their company.

I read an article this morning titled “Bruce Lee’s Grave” by Jeff Suwak.  The story is about a man who wanted to visit the grave site of his hero, Bruce Lee, and give him a quick prayer of thanks for being an inspiration in his life.  Instead of finding what he expected, his journey through a graveyard brought him face to face with a fundamental truth about himself and the reason for his visit.  The way this writer sees the world blows me away on many levels.  He’s not without flawed views, as the rest of us, but he’s one of the most honest I’ve ever met.  It’s such a breath of fresh air to see that in this day and age.  With the advances in our technology and communication devices, we as a people learn to hide behind more clever and permanent masks.  We used to only wear temporary ones when forced to be in public.  Now that the world has been brought into our homes and every aspect of our lives, we wear continual masks that become so comfortable we forget about them.  Here’s a writer who refuses to wear a mask.

The other inspiration comes from a brilliant man, Christian Fennell, who questions the system, fights against the social norms and dares to dance outside the lines of conformity.  I admire him on so many levels.  He’s a devoted and loving husband and father to his family and a mighty warrior in the literary world for his passion. He refuses to be put in a box.  He has a set of short stories that he collects under the heading “On My Way to Sunday”.  I asked him this morning what that byline meant to him and he answered, “I love Sundays.  They will always be associated with fishing and hanging out with family, big dinners, etc.  I write every morning, but Sunday, ‘cause I’m fishing.  So it means I write all those damned stories On My Way to Sunday.”  It seems Mr. Fennell has learned to balance his essential and social self.  He has not forgotten the world is in chaos, but has apparently found his peace in the middle of it.  He doesn’t wear the masks of conformity, but keeps an eye on what’s truly important.  I have no doubt he will one day make it to his ultimate Sunday.  Through these four inspirations, I hope I can do the same.

  Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

http://www.tlgray.blogspot.com

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Navigational Breakdown

As most of you know, I am currently reading “Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck, and the quote above was a question she asked a man named Melvin.  This middle-aged professional went to see a therapist and this was the first of three questions asked of him, and of course for which Melvin had no answer.  It wasn’t asked because the therapist was interested in delving into Melvin’s childhood, but to see if he could connect with his inner self; his inner child. 

“The conversation I had with Melvin’s “social self”, the part of him that had learned to value the things that were valued by the people around him.  This “social self” couldn’t tell me what Melvin loved, enjoyed or wanted, because it literally didn’t known.  It didn’t remember Melvin or his childhood, because it had spent years telling him to ignore what he preferred and stop acting like a child.”  ~Martha Beck – Finding Your Own North Star

I really related to Melvin.  For many years I was in what I called “survival mode”, a state-of-being focused on simply surviving the day.  In this state, there was no time or opportunity to focus on what was wanted, because I was too busy trying to fulfill what was needed, therefore causing suppression of those things I loved, enjoyed or wanted.  I had been in survival mode for as long as I could remember, so, like Melvin, wouldn’t have understood the question had it also been asked of me.   I’ve lived a comfortable life for the past two decades, and perhaps during the last half, I started to seek out the answers to those simple questions. What do I love? What do I enjoy? What do I want?

According to Beck, this part of ourselves is called the “essential self”, something born a curious, fascinated and playful little creature.  “After forty-five years, it still contained powerful urges toward individuality, exploration, spontaneity, and joy.  But by repressing these urges for years and years, Melvin’s “social self” had lost access to them.  It was inevitable that Melvin would also lose his true path, because while his social self was the vehicle carrying him through life, it was cut off from his essential self, which had all the navigational equipment that pointed toward his North Star.”

I’m finding myself back to a balance.  From all outward appearances it may seem I’m lost at sea without a rudder or a compass, but that was the state I had been – a proverbial navigational breakdown, but not anymore.  I’m making the hard adjustments and gaining control of my ship.  A storm still rages, the waters are tumultuous, but I see small glimpses of my North Star and am holding the helm steady. My ship is taking a beating, but I’m still afloat, I still sail, and I will arrive at my destination.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray 

Right in the Middle of My Life

Picture by T.L. Gray - Olympic National Park 05/30/2013

For my 42^nd birthday this past week, a dear friend of mine gave me a book called, “Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck.  For those of you who know me, you’re aware I’ve started a company called North Star, so the title of this book fit perfectly.  It isn’t the title alone that grabbed my attention, but the opening paragraph.  In addition to the partial quote above, it goes on to say: “I don’t even want to remember how scary that space was – makes me feel like I’m gonna die or something.  I’m only telling you about it because a lot of good came of it in the long run.  So anyway, I don’t even know how I ended up so far off course.  I felt like I’d been sleepwalking.”  - Dan, age 41.

I've made this statement quite often, especially among some of these blog posts.  According to Beck, the above is a loose rendition of the first twelve lines of The Devine Comedy written in 1307 by Dante Alighieri.  Changing course in the middle of life seems to be a common theme throughout history.  Moses was forty before he began to free the Israelite slaves, Abraham was already married and well-seasoned when he separated from everything he knew to wander into the wilderness, and even Jesus himself was thirty-three before being called into the desert and starting his short-lived ministry. 

Beck goes on to claim that everyone is on a journey, searching for three main things in life – truth, love and joy, and these aspects she calls collectively the “North Star”.  Everyone knows the Stella Polaris is fixed in the heavens and doesn’t move. Everything else moves, but this a fixed central point.

“You may think you’re utterly lost, that you’re going to die a bewildered death in the Dark Wood of Error.  But brush away those leaves, wait for the clouds to clear, and you’ll see your destiny shining as brightly as ever: the fixed point in the constantly changing constellations of your life,” Beck writes.

Wow, that’s exactly how I feel… utterly lost and hopelessly bewildered; like a bit of my soul is dying every day amid the pain, confusion and worry of this mid-life shift.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds and I fear meeting even the basic of my needs, but in the middle of my fear, with shaking hands and wobbly knees, I march forward.  The pain of my heartbreak is so thick and so strong, I can barely breathe at times, but I move onward. 

I pray I can brush away these leaves - the ones tussled in my hair from falling on my face - and look skyward to see the clouds of my despair parting, because I really need to find my “North Star”.  I know it’s there, I’ve seen it before; I’m lost without it.  I don’t want to wander this wilderness anymore.  Beck writes that when we can’t see our North Stars, we have built in compasses to help guide us in our search for our true paths.  The following chapters of this book promises to help us discover and learn how to use and rely on these inner compasses, so that when we find ourselves once again (for there will be many) lost, cloudy or off course, we have to go on faith and trust our inner compass in order to stay close to our right life,  and live the life we were meant to live.

That’s one hell of a tall order, but right now I’m taking a chance on faith and trusting Beck knows what she’s talking about.  What do I have to lose?  Will it be painless?  Not in my experience.  According to Dante, the way back to la verace via, the true path, lay directly through Hell.  THAT I understand, but fighting and surviving Hell was always worth the effort when I knew what I was fighting for or against; knowing  that purpose (North Star – destiny) helped keep me focused no matter the pain.  I need that again, I need to find and be reminded of my North Star.  Perhaps the name of my company means much more than I initially realized? 

Do you know where your North Star lies?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray