I’ve got a lot of
thoughts running around in my mind this morning. I actually slept well last night, only waking
once, but able to almost immediately fall back to sleep. My slumber lately has been sporadic, in two
and three-hour increments, the result leaving me in a sort of drudge. So, this morning, having received at least
two three-hour deep sleep sessions, I’m refreshed, renewed and
regenerated. Someone wished that for me
yesterday. I can’t remember right off
the top of my head who that was, but I so appreciate their wishes.
Knots of tension have
built in my shoulders, but I’m hoping I can work them out this week, and keep
them off. I’ve got a two-day festival
coming up this weekend and I’d really like to be on my game. I want to meet readers with a positive
energy, not a tired, worried, and stressed out countenance. They deserve better than that from me.
I’m also happy this
morning, because I’ve reached a major goal.
Last year was a stressful and successful year for me. It was filled with
many, many major accomplishments and failures.
I had two novels published and I went on a whirl-wind yearlong book tour
and it was amazing. My book sales had
never been better, and it looked like my career was finally taking off. But amid all that joy I saw the dissolution
of a 20-year marriage, felt the separation of my children becoming adults, faced
the start of menopause, experienced the loss of some close friends, and struggled
with a serious crisis of faith. Over the
past two years I’ve gained a lot of weight nearly 100lbs. It built so gradually, yet consistently. I just got into a funk of saying, “I’ll work
on it later.” Then when I would get
those bursts of desire to do something about my health, some crisis would
happen and delay or roadblock my efforts.
Though I wasn’t gorging or purging, I was nursing my broken heart by not
fighting, feeling defeated, like a failure, really almost to the point of
giving up on everything, even living.
There were many days I just literally wanted to die because facing the
day was too hard. Well, this manifested
in my body. But, my spirit inside wouldn’t
let me give up. Though my world crumbled
around me, and everything I knew and was familiar disappeared, along with my
sense of security and stability, I was stripped down to nothing but love. I realized I loved me and I deserved to live,
deserved to love, deserved to be happy, deserved to be free, deserved to
fly. So, in the midst of my failure, in
the middle of my crisis of faith, I vowed to fight, to live, to love, to pick
myself up and take ONE step… just one step every day toward the me I deserved
to be.
I’ve taken a LOT of steps
since that New Year’s resolution, that promise to myself. I can’t say that everything has worked out
perfectly, or that I’ve conquered every mission in front of me, or that I’ve
succeeded in everything. In honesty, I’ve
probably failed more than I’ve succeeded, but I still get up every morning and
take ONE more step. My life is
changing. I’m reaching small goals and
getting closer to bigger ones. I can
feel myself on the edge of this darkness and know I’m getting closer to the
light, closer to a breakthrough. I’m
still scared. My heart is still very
much wounded, but it continues to heal, to beat, and I continue to
breathe. I continue to move
forward.
Today, I celebrate a 70
pound weight loss. I didn’t achieve this through dieting; I achieved this
through a lot of hard work, sweat, lots of tears, and a change in my
lifestyle. I started to do simple
things, small things that made me happy like hiking, walking, running, 5k’s,
kayaking, yoga and meditation. I started
blogging, letting my feelings out instead of remaining silent, letting them
build until I exploded. I walked away from people that pushed me down, held me
back or discouraged me from following my dreams. I started gathering people who encouraged me,
told me what I needed to hear, not empty platitudes or endless hammering about
responsibilities and practicalities. I
have developed friendships with people who believe in me, who encourage me to
reach for those impossible dreams, who continue to love me in the middle of my
chaos. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t
always feel like I’m a disappointment and a failure for being different. They don’t expect anything from me, but for
me to be me, and that freedom has allowed me to blossom. I still have problems and a lot of obstacles
to overcome, but I know they love me whether I succeed or fail, because they love
me – not what I can do for them, or what I can achieve. I have a guardian angel that’s opened her
heart and showed her love by her actions and not her words. I don’t think she’s ever told me she loves
me, but she’s met some of my greatest needs and I’ll never be able to repay her
kindness, but I’ll never forget it.
So, this morning is a
celebration of appreciation. My life is
turning around. For the first time in a
very, very long time I think I’m going to be okay.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray
