Monday, October 07, 2013

Being Okay on a Monday

I’ve got a lot of thoughts running around in my mind this morning.  I actually slept well last night, only waking once, but able to almost immediately fall back to sleep.  My slumber lately has been sporadic, in two and three-hour increments, the result leaving me in a sort of drudge.  So, this morning, having received at least two three-hour deep sleep sessions, I’m refreshed, renewed and regenerated.  Someone wished that for me yesterday.  I can’t remember right off the top of my head who that was, but I so appreciate their wishes. 

Knots of tension have built in my shoulders, but I’m hoping I can work them out this week, and keep them off.  I’ve got a two-day festival coming up this weekend and I’d really like to be on my game.  I want to meet readers with a positive energy, not a tired, worried, and stressed out countenance.  They deserve better than that from me. 

I’m also happy this morning, because I’ve reached a major goal.  Last year was a stressful and successful year for me. It was filled with many, many major accomplishments and failures.  I had two novels published and I went on a whirl-wind yearlong book tour and it was amazing.  My book sales had never been better, and it looked like my career was finally taking off.  But amid all that joy I saw the dissolution of a 20-year marriage, felt the separation of my children becoming adults, faced the start of menopause, experienced the loss of some close friends, and struggled with a serious crisis of faith.  Over the past two years I’ve gained a lot of weight nearly 100lbs.  It built so gradually, yet consistently.  I just got into a funk of saying, “I’ll work on it later.”  Then when I would get those bursts of desire to do something about my health, some crisis would happen and delay or roadblock my efforts.   Though I wasn’t gorging or purging, I was nursing my broken heart by not fighting, feeling defeated, like a failure, really almost to the point of giving up on everything, even living.  There were many days I just literally wanted to die because facing the day was too hard.  Well, this manifested in my body.  But, my spirit inside wouldn’t let me give up.  Though my world crumbled around me, and everything I knew and was familiar disappeared, along with my sense of security and stability, I was stripped down to nothing but love.  I realized I loved me and I deserved to live, deserved to love, deserved to be happy, deserved to be free, deserved to fly.  So, in the midst of my failure, in the middle of my crisis of faith, I vowed to fight, to live, to love, to pick myself up and take ONE step… just one step every day toward the me I deserved to be.

I’ve taken a LOT of steps since that New Year’s resolution, that promise to myself.  I can’t say that everything has worked out perfectly, or that I’ve conquered every mission in front of me, or that I’ve succeeded in everything.  In honesty, I’ve probably failed more than I’ve succeeded, but I still get up every morning and take ONE more step.  My life is changing.  I’m reaching small goals and getting closer to bigger ones.  I can feel myself on the edge of this darkness and know I’m getting closer to the light, closer to a breakthrough.  I’m still scared.  My heart is still very much wounded, but it continues to heal, to beat, and I continue to breathe.  I continue to move forward. 

Today, I celebrate a 70 pound weight loss. I didn’t achieve this through dieting; I achieved this through a lot of hard work, sweat, lots of tears, and a change in my lifestyle.  I started to do simple things, small things that made me happy like hiking, walking, running, 5k’s, kayaking, yoga and meditation.  I started blogging, letting my feelings out instead of remaining silent, letting them build until I exploded. I walked away from people that pushed me down, held me back or discouraged me from following my dreams.  I started gathering people who encouraged me, told me what I needed to hear, not empty platitudes or endless hammering about responsibilities and practicalities.  I have developed friendships with people who believe in me, who encourage me to reach for those impossible dreams, who continue to love me in the middle of my chaos.  I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t always feel like I’m a disappointment and a failure for being different.  They don’t expect anything from me, but for me to be me, and that freedom has allowed me to blossom.  I still have problems and a lot of obstacles to overcome, but I know they love me whether I succeed or fail, because they love me – not what I can do for them, or what I can achieve.  I have a guardian angel that’s opened her heart and showed her love by her actions and not her words.  I don’t think she’s ever told me she loves me, but she’s met some of my greatest needs and I’ll never be able to repay her kindness, but I’ll never forget it.

So, this morning is a celebration of appreciation.  My life is turning around.  For the first time in a very, very long time I think I’m going to be okay. 

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray


  1. You are making good choices and following the path that leads to heal your mind.
    Thank you for sharing this.