One of my children recently asked me, “Mom, why do you
always post pictures of you smiling? Why do send me a text every morning
wishing something good for me? You can’t be that happy all the time.”
I responded, “Because I can, and I choose to embrace the impossible
and the positive.”
Yes, I do post pictures of me smiling as often as I can, and
those smiles are genuine. They’re hard-
fought and heavily-labored smiles. They’re smiles of victory. Yes, I’m a morning person, because I have
chosen to be a morning person. I’m often tired like everyone else. I typically
get 4-5 hours of sleep a good night if not awoken by nightmares. I have lots of
nightmares. Many mornings I wake crying,
screaming, or afraid, dreaming of those I’ve lost, experiences I’ve endured, things
that I’m afraid of losing or enduring. I’m
lonely, confused as to why those I love have such difficulty loving me back,
why I’m so easily abandoned, cast away, or forgotten. I feel unwanted and neglected by the
world. But I don’t let those feelings
rule me or dictate how I’m to live.
I have learned to love myself, because I have never been
able to depend on anyone else to love me.
I have learned to take care of myself, because I have never
been able to depend on anyone else to take care of me.
I have learned to encourage myself, to be my own
cheerleader, to be brave and wield my own sword.
I’m no princess in need of saving. I slay my
own dragons. I wear my own armor and my
strongest armor is my smile.
My smile reflects the choice to tell the world to go fuck
itself; that it can’t beat me, it doesn’t win.
It may knock me down every day if it chooses, but I will rise, even if I
have to do it a thousand times, and a thousand more. I have died twice, yet I still live. I have been hurt in every way imaginable, yet
I still laugh, and smile, and hope for a better tomorrow.
Call me a fool. Say I
am naïve. Declare I am blind. Refuse to
love me. Continue to reject me. Stand against me. Forget me. Yet, I will smile.
I love me. I love the woman I am. I am proud of her. With my
head held high, I look her in the eyes and I smile. The world be damned, for I
am blessed. I smile because I can and I
choose to embrace the impossible and the positive.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray
