Why Do You Smile?

One of my children recently asked me, “Mom, why do you always post pictures of you smiling? Why do send me a text every morning wishing something good for me? You can’t be that happy all the time.”

I responded, “Because I can, and I choose to embrace the impossible and the positive.”

Yes, I do post pictures of me smiling as often as I can, and those smiles are genuine.  They’re hard- fought and heavily-labored smiles. They’re smiles of victory.  Yes, I’m a morning person, because I have chosen to be a morning person. I’m often tired like everyone else. I typically get 4-5 hours of sleep a good night if not awoken by nightmares. I have lots of nightmares.  Many mornings I wake crying, screaming, or afraid, dreaming of those I’ve lost, experiences I’ve endured, things that I’m afraid of losing or enduring.  I’m lonely, confused as to why those I love have such difficulty loving me back, why I’m so easily abandoned, cast away, or forgotten.  I feel unwanted and neglected by the world.  But I don’t let those feelings rule me or dictate how I’m to live.

I have learned to love myself, because I have never been able to depend on anyone else to love me.

I have learned to take care of myself, because I have never been able to depend on anyone else to take care of me.

I have learned to encourage myself, to be my own cheerleader, to be brave and wield my own sword.  

I’m no princess in need of saving. I slay my own dragons.  I wear my own armor and my strongest armor is my smile.

My smile reflects the choice to tell the world to go fuck itself; that it can’t beat me, it doesn’t win.  It may knock me down every day if it chooses, but I will rise, even if I have to do it a thousand times, and a thousand more.  I have died twice, yet I still live.  I have been hurt in every way imaginable, yet I still laugh, and smile, and hope for a better tomorrow.

Call me a fool.  Say I am naïve. Declare I am blind.  Refuse to love me. Continue to reject me. Stand against me. Forget me. Yet, I will smile.

I love me. I love the woman I am. I am proud of her. With my head held high, I look her in the eyes and I smile. The world be damned, for I am blessed.  I smile because I can and I choose to embrace the impossible and the positive.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Be Happy

I'm learning that the happier I am, the happier people I attract, and the happier people become around me. Happiness and joy are contagious. I feel better, stronger and am less afraid.  But also just as addictive are the negative depressives.  Another important thing I'm learning is that I don't have to allow these negative depressives into my life - it's okay to cut them out.

I'm not talking about beautiful friends who may be having a bad day, a hard time, or a moment of sadness, weakness, or depression.  Being a good friend is reaching out and being a comfort to them, lending a shoulder, a hug, an attentive ear - and doing all we can to be there and lift our friend out of the dark place.  Those are the best opportunities to share our happiness, be an inspiration, and be a good friend. I wouldn't be where I am today without the wonderful friends in my life who helped me.

What I am talking about are those who ONLY look at the world with negative dark-colored glasses, where they seek out all that's wrong with everything (yes, the world sucks and there's a lot of bad things going on - I don't stick my head in mud and pretend I live in a fairy tale), look for the bad in everyone, expects everyone to hurt, have manipulative intents and alternative motives.  I know.  I used to be that hurt, angry, little girl. It's not a nice way to live.  It ages and beats you down and crushes your spirit.

I'm becoming that irritating person who chooses to look for the silver-lining.  I show up to work smiling, singing and spreading positive platitudes, skipping through the day making all negative depressives want to stab me in the face. But I choose to still smile, because they have no idea what I'm going through, or that most days I'm fighting some of the biggest battles in my life, or that I walk around terrified and alone almost all the time.  My smile is my weapon.  An upbeat song in my heart, or playing in my ears through my iPod, is my armor.

There will be days when I'm going to need to be carried, because I've dropped my weapons and have been overcome by the shadows of depression - but those days are happening less and less as I become happier. 

Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and medicine to the bones."
Proverbs 17:22: "A merry heart does good, like medicine.  But a broken spirit dries the bones."

Smile today, especially if you don't feel like it. 

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray