Encourage Yourself

I started writing another heart-wrenching blog post this morning, because in truth, my heart is aching something bad right now.  But, after I wrote all those words, tears streaming down my face, a huge lump in my throat, I wiped my face and took a deep breath, and deleted the whole post.  It doesn’t matter. Those words don’t matter.  Those thoughts don’t matter.  They don’t change anything.

But, what WILL change things, what does matter is filling my heart, my mind, and my soul with positive thoughts. Remembering my dreams and the things I want to do in my life, those things will fuel me. They won’t take the pain away, but they’ll help dry the tears and push me forward. 

What we put into our minds, what we listen to, what thoughts we entertain, form our thoughts and effect the things we do, the choices we make, the fears we let consume us.  I’m a rebel. I often act against those fears, in spite of them, face those things that scare me most.  I just wish the rest of the world did the same. I don’t allow the world to tell me how to feel, what to do, what is the right way to go.  The world has been wrong. It’s always wrong.  Listening to the thoughts of the world has hurt me more than I’ll ever be able to express. Cowards. The world is full of cowards.

Today is a new day. Yesterday is gone.  The sun has risen once again and I choose to live. I start a new phase at work today, and it seems a new phase in life. Even though my heart hurts something terrible, I choose to smile, I choose to focus on the positive, I choose to tell the world to go fuck itself and take its doubt, depression and double-minded desires with it. I don’t need its bullshit.  Instead I will fill it with beautiful words of encouragement.

“Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived. Live in the present moment, make it beautiful.”

“There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”

“So, take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.”

“A beautiful life begins with a beautiful mind.”

“Ships in the harbor are safe, but that’s not what ships were built for.”

We tell ourselves that we must do this, we must do that, we must love this way or think that way. It’s all bullshit.  EVERY moment of every day we have a choice, and in that moment NONE of the world’s bullshit matters.  Regardless of the shit I’ve had to deal with in the past, regardless of the shape my heart is in, regardless of how shattered I am… IN THE MOMENT… this moment is all that matters. The choices I make right now… to love, to not love, to hate, to forgive, to doubt, etc.  THAT is who I am. 

I choose ME.  For no one else will.

“What we are today is the result of our own past actions; whatever we wish to be in the future depends on our present actions; decide how you have to act now. We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be. We have the power to make ourselves.”

We choose to believe. We choose not to believe. We choose to fight. We choose to run. We choose to love. We choose to hate. We choose to forgive.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s to fight. Fight for what’s right. Fight for what you believe in, what’s important to you. But most importantly, fight for the ones you love, and never forget to tell anyone how much they mean to you while they’re still alive.”

Someday, someone will believe I’m worth fighting for, too. That day’s not today, but someday.

“I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.”

“If you think positively, sound becomes music, movement becomes dance, smile becomes laughter, mind becomes meditation, and life becomes a celebration.”

In the midst of pain, in the darkest moment of despair, hope still lives and love still remains. I’ll never apologize for loving. I’ll never regret taking the chance.  I’ll never look back on my life and say, ‘only if’. I have fallen. I have tasted rejection. I have hurt to the deepest part of my soul, but I have no regrets. I am a lot of things, but I’m not a coward. I’m a fool.

“Three simple rules in life.  1. If you do not go after what you want; you’ll never have it. 2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be No.  3.  If you do not step forward, you’ll always be in the same place.”

Waiting for something to happen. Waiting to heal. Waiting to love. Waiting to explore. Waiting to have an adventure. Waiting for success. Waiting for forgiveness. Waiting for dreams. Waiting for happiness.  Leaves only one thing… you waiting.  None of those things just finds you… you have to fight for each one of them. You have to choose them. You have to want them. You have to face your fears and take them.

Till next time,

Black-Eyed Beauty

Dear John ...I Mean Adam

Dating is hard.  Those who think it’s a walk in the park, fun, a piece of cake, or the best thing since sliced bread is either starving themselves to fit into that size 4 or else live in a fantasy world.  It’s not that the process is difficult, anything can be figured out and utilized for maximum effect, but the key is working with the right ingredients.  If you haven’t been able to figure out those metaphors by this time, then reading the rest of this post isn’t going to do you any good – it’s going to be full of ‘em.  You might as well stop right now and go read something simple and mindless because that will be more your speed.

I’ve recently read a wonderful “Dear Jane” letter that this arrogant, though slightly good-looking, blogger by the name of Adam Hornyak.  It, at first, made me burst out laughing at the absurdity splattered line after line as he degraded his dates as air-headed bimbos, until I took inventory of some of my fellow female companions currently out on the dating field, and sadly I could see his point.  Mind you, none of it pertained to me, of course, but still… women are not the only bad dates.  I’ve been on several tragic dates over the past few months.  Don’t get me wrong, some have been great, but more bad than good, and even the good obviously wasn’t that good or else I wouldn’t still be single.

Thanks to Hornyak’s example, I’ve been inspired to write my own satirical “Dear John” letter, or perhaps in this case I’ll use, “Dear Adam” and lay out some of my own dating grievances.  This won’t be the only letter, because there’s plenty of things I would like to address in future posts.  I’ll only tackle a few tonight and more over the weeks ahead.  So, stay tuned and come back as the story goes forward.  You must also go check out the letter that sparked this new quest at: http://www.loveahappyending.com/its-over/.  Don’t forget to leave a comment and let Adam know what you thought of his letter.  And please remember… I’m not REALLY writing this to Adam. So far, we’ve never dated.  So please don’t stalk him or harass him for treating me badly.  And if you’re one of his crazy stalker fans, I’m sure he’d like to keep you in his fan base, not mine.  There’s nothing to see here.

Dear John, umm… I mean, Adam,

I’ve decided to write you a letter instead of talking to you face to face, because I find my thoughts become jumbled when I look into those dark, sexy eyes or follow the curves of your beautiful 6’2” frame.  I added the height reference in there so one of my male friends will have some more fodder to use when he gripes and complains about how all women only like tall men. I wish height was the factor that made assholes, that way I’d gladly skip certain measurements. But, getting back on topic -  I’ll go through the day making a list of some very important topics I’d want to talk about with you, but never quite get the chance to discuss them because you purposefully distract me to keep from talking about them.  I know you do it on purpose, but I can’t help it when those beautiful full lips of yours instantly find mine, and my neck, and my shoulders… and, well… I become dizzy, not to mention I find your strong hands running up and down my body quite distracting.  But after I give in to your distraction and I’m lying in your arms ready to share those heavy things on my mind, I hear you snoring. I’m not complaining about the physical chemistry between us, that’s about the only thing I truly enjoy.  What you can do to my body is amazing, you’re like a god, but it’s the rest of the time we’re together where I’ve got some real issues.  We can’t just stay in bed all day.   You’re missing the best parts of me, well, now you’ll be missing all of me.

I’m an extremely intelligent woman.  I have ideas, dreams, philosophies, theories, opinions, and contemplations that could possibly change the world. I’ve got goals to complete. But how would you know?  You don’t listen when I talk.  When I share things with you, important things that mean the world to me, you’re either watching a game, or a lame ass movie on television, or you start playing with my boobs.   I know you’re used to dating mindless mannequins, therefore only practiced at the art of using your little brain, but it’s quite insulting when you assume I’m manufactured in the same way. I’m unique. I’m one of a kind.  There’s not another like me. Yeah, boobs may come in different shapes and sizes, but they’re essentially the same. But the soul that turns inside me is so much more sexier than what’s on my chest.  You haven’t quite figured out that the brain is the largest sex organ in the body and the heart is the most beautiful part of a person.

“Baby, I’m tired of the same old patterns and want something different, something challenging. You make me want to be a better man.”  Bull shit!  You don’t know what the hell you want.  What happened to being attracted to me for my sense of humor, my thirst for adventure, my intelligence, and my collection of hats?  You pretended to be someone you’re not.  You were amazing on that first date.  I had a great time riding down those rapids with you.  I found it endearing as you put your arms around me and stole a kiss. You repeated my profile back to me, showing me you listened.  That night you sent me a dozen texts just to say goodnight. You made me feel special. You made me think you truly cared about me. You lied.

The next few weeks were also great.  “Good morning, Beautiful,” and “I woke up smiling because you were the star of my dreams last night,” filled my inbox with the sunrise.  “I can’t wait ‘til I see you again, and taste your sweet lips and hear your beautiful voice,” and “Good night, Babe, sweet dreams,” dinged my phone every night.  During the day I’d get a sporadic, “Thinkin’ about you, Babe” or “Check out this song, it made me think of you,” or “I can’t concentrate on this meeting because I’m thinking about that awesome quote you sent me.  Man, that was deep.” You don’t know how many smiles you sent me throughout the day.  Now all I get is an occasional late night, “Hey, I’m so horny, wanna fuck?” or “Why are you so co-dependent that you need me to tell you good morning and good night?  That’s not healthy and it’s not fair for you to put that kind of pressure on me,” or “I can’t text you while I’m working, that’s not professional.  I’ll talk to you when I get home.” I guess you never went home, because I never got those texts, or calls, or emails.  Suddenly you’re always tired or you just don’t answer at all.  I got the message – loud and clear.  You see, I’m not a mannequin.  I’m fully aware.

I stopped texting you weeks ago, only responding when you text me first, but you haven’t even noticed. The song links stopped coming, too. I haven’t asked you about those because I wouldn’t want to see the type of songs you’d send me now.  Instead of coming over so I could cook you a gourmet meal, you wanted to go to IHOP instead.  When I wanted to take a day trip on the back of a Harley, something we had discussed for weeks and you said you absolutely wanted to do, you made the excuse that you broke your toe and it wouldn’t be a good idea.  That excuse also went for the hike and paddle boarding we had planned as well. I noticed the last time we had flash sex (because it sure as hell didn’t feel like making love, and it was over in a flash.  I haven’t climaxed in weeks)… you couldn’t last as long because you were out of breath and out of shape.  I take it that broken toe has also kept you out of the gym and off the track.

I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me.  I need a man that will not only stimulate and please my body, but will blow my mind… and you just don’t have what it takes. Perhaps you should give those plastic mannequins another shot because they seem to be more on your level.  You tell yourself you want a woman that can think for herself and push you beyond your limits to make you a better man, but how can you really want that when you’re so independent, don’t need anyone, already think you’re perfect, and know everything there is to know?

What you don’t know is that you’ve already lost me, you don’t deserve someone like me, and I’m way out of your league.  But, hey… let’s stay friends, because we all know when a man says that he wants to still be your friend after he’s bored with you, what he really means is that when he’s horny you’re his back-up plan.  He’ll call if he doesn’t have anyone else lined up, or he just needs someone to talk to when he’s lonely and his brainless mannequins can’t stimulate him in the same way.  I’m open to you being my special friend when I get bored, until a real man comes along, if you are.

With much affection,

~Jane, I mean, T.L.