The Excuses We Tell Ourselves

For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. We forget this often in life because our memories are short and selective. We have lied to ourselves for so long about our responsibilities, and have accepted the lies in order to feel good about our decisions, reactions, actions, and choices we have made. It’s a natural defense system. But, we have to fight that nature if we care to see the truth. That’s the heart of the issue. We can’t often handle the truth, that’s why we accept the excuses we tell ourselves.

We are human. We are emotional, spiritual, and physical people. Our nature is to survive, reproduce, and learn. It’s also naturally equipped to lie, to deceive, and to manipulate. We are not born to be good, we are born to survive. Goodness is a choice and hard battle to fight. It’s natural to be selfish, self-centered, and greedy. It’s not natural to be loving, selfless, considerate, and kind. It’s hard as hell. If someone hurts us, our natural instinct is to protect ourselves and hurt them back. If we see something we want, it’s in our nature to take it. It’s not natural to desire to earn it, work for it, and fights for it. Those are characteristic traits we learn, we choose, and we develop.

We didn’t wake up the way we are, how we think, or even how we feel. These are the results of millions of choices we’ve made to this point. It’s the reactions to our actions. We’ve chosen to either learn from our mistakes or to continue making them again and again and again. We can’t control what happens to us, but we have complete control on how we respond. How we respond is what develops and identifies our true characters.

I didn’t wake up one morning and decide who I am. I have awoken many, many, many mornings choosing to become who I am. Some mornings have been easier than others. But, I decided a long time ago to stop making excuses for my behavior. It wasn’t my physical ailments that defined who I am. It wasn’t society who dictated the person I was to become. I take full responsibility for my actions. I don’t allow doctors, psychologists, friends, teachers, bosses, co-workers, or family to tell me who I am, how I should be, what I should accept, or how I should respond. I’m a rebel that way. I choose who I am. I choose how to respond. I choose what to accept.

Yes, this makes me an odd duck, and 100% percent of the time puts me on the outside of the comfort zone that most people are familiar. It’s hard for people to be around me for too long, because it will show them their own mirrors. It’s painful and lonely to be who I am. I’m most often abandoned, left behind, rejected, or misunderstood. How did I become this way? Having died twice and battled death on several other occasions may have played a part. Having a very tragic and violent childhood may have played another. Having lost my first love to war has played another. Having been rejected so many times by those who are supposed to love me most has played another. Having my own children run away from me or forget me altogether has played another. My faith has played another. All of these combined, with a determination to seek the truth, to accept my responsibility, and not accept the excuses have played another. I am responsible for me.

So, choose to use me, abuse me, neglect me, or reject me – I am going to continue being who I am. Someday someone is going to choose to love me and I want to be able to give that person the best woman possible. I don’t want to give them a broken, damaged, angry, hateful vampire that will only cause more difficulty in their life. I want to be someone’s bright spot in a dark world, to be beacon of hope in this hopeless world, to be an example of love in this hateful world, to be precious to them. I want to be their crown, their pride, their joy. I want to be their peace. But not everyone will be able to handle a woman like that. It would have to be a strong man, the strongest of heart and character. The brightness from me will cause a reflective pool, and only a man who can truly look upon his own reflection… in truth, without excuses, without shame, and with great inner strength and strong faith, will be able to be with me. In truth, I may never find them, and I have to be okay with that too.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Livin' Out Loud - Liar

Our biggest obstacle when it comes to health, fitness, and even love, is our propensity to make excuses. We have them. We have plenty of them. Our mindset is where the largest part of our battle resides.

We lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves we need or deserve the destructive behavior we commit. We tell ourselves it’s okay to abuse our bodies, our hearts and our minds, after all it’s our period and we deserve that damn chocolate. We’ve been good and deserve to cheat on our diet. We did a lot more activity today than normal so we can skip our workout. We'll start tomorrow, and on and on. The excuses never stop.

Until we recognize we are out biggest abuser, see us for who we really are, we won’t win, we won’t succeed, we won’t break free. It’s nobody’s fault we are like we are. It’s not our past, not our genetics, it’s not our environment, it’s not the food industry, it’s not our religion, it’s not our disease, it’s not our drugs, it’s not ANYTHING but our own choices. We are exactly where we want to be, allow ourselves to be, choose to be, or choose not to change.

Only we can choose to put down the doughnuts, pick up the jump rope, and continue to make that choice everyday.

We don’t need to have a lot of money, personal trainer, expensive food, diet drugs, or the right workout clothes or equipment. Before we pick up or use any of these tools we have to first strip ourselves of our excuses, stand in front of our mirrors naked, look at ourselves in the eye, and truly see ourselves for who we truly are, not the lie we tell ourselves.

We are not victims. We are the abusers of our own self. We are the ones that gorge on the whole box of snack cakes, doughnuts, bag of chips, soft drinks, chicken nuggets, ice cream, and chocolate. We can take all the diet pills we want, drink all the diet drinks we want, eat off the little plates filled with seconds and thirds, but it doesn’t change that we neglect what we need, feed our feelings, and cheat ourselves out of living our lives to our best potential. We see ourselves as victims - and victims are slaves. We are slaves to our addictions. We are slaves to our excuses. We are slaves to our abuses. We are taskmasters to our own depravity.

We are the asshole that stops ourselves. Until we acknowledge our truth and see our truth, we can never change it. We're killing ourselves. We are an abuser, a neglector, and a selfish bitch. Stop lying to our selves. Have the courage to face our own truth and learn to live.

Then… naked, bare, exposed, and determined… change our story, change our stars, change our life.

Till next time,

Freed Slave, Survivor