Not Today

I have this insatiable bad habit of noticing the broken and seeing the damaged, and then immediately my mind and heart begins racing and my brain begins looking for solutions, remedies to heal, to help, and to pull all those broken pieces back together. I’ve always been this way, probably because that’s what I’ve needed most in this world.  But, I’m really working on retraining my heart and my brain to say, “Not today.” 

There are many little quips and memes that I pull from the card catalogue in my brain to help.  One of my recent favorites, probably because I just visited the zoo, is to remind myself, “Not my monkey; not my zoo.”

Why this change of heart?  Because I allowed myself to get lost, becoming stuck in that frame of mind and trying to save everyone around me.  I’m the one that drowned.  I’m the one that ran out of air.  There was no one there to save me. I lost sight of all MY goals being so concerned with everyone else.

Please don’t get me wrong. I STILL care. I STILL worry. I STILL desire to see those I love healed, healthy and happy.  I just came to the realization it’s not in MY power to give that to them.  I can’t save them.  They have to want to save themselves, heal themselves, and be happy with themselves.  JUST LIKE I DO.

That’s what I’m doing.  I’m healing myself. I’m working on getting my body, mind and soul back to a healthy medium.  I am working on MY happiness. I’m not there yet, I’m just beginning, but I am walking in the right direction. Some days I take giant leaps, and other days I curl up in a tight ball and hold myself so tight just to feel arms wrapped around me.  It hurts.  God it hurts. Dealing with failure always hurts.  Being unloved and unwanted by those you loved most ALWAYS hurts. Recovery always includes a mixture of pleasure and pain. 

My good moments now outnumber my bad moments.  I smile more often than I cry. My body is changing, getting stronger, slimmer, and more tanned and toned.  My soul is mending one tiny rip at a time.  I’m being surrounded by light instead of fighting alone in the darkness. My tribe is coming together and lending me strength and courage.  My daughter is my biggest light and inspiration. My friends are beautiful to me. My new friends are water to my soul.

We’ve got ONE life, people, just ONE.  I can’t afford to keep wasting what precious little time I have left in this world on stupid, shallow, vain, and selfish things or people.  I value MY life too much to allow that bullshit to drag me down. I want my life to have value, to have meaning, to not be a waste of space.  I am fiercely guarding my life from the stupid shit and people that don’t give a shit about their own lives and want to drag me down. I am learning to let people solve their own problems. You want to waste your life chasing after a drug instead of love – go for it.  You want to be angry and spend all your time being destructive and blaming the world for your problems, being a manipulative asshole instead of becoming a decent human being – go for it. You want to be a shallow person and tick off your notches by fucking whoever whenever instead of investing in a real relationship – go for it.  You want to hide from the world because it’s too uncomfortable, too inconvenient, or too scary to get out there, to face rejection, to face your fears in order to succeed in life – go for it. Don’t look to me for help anymore, because the only thing I’m going to say is, “Physician, heal thyself,” walk away and then shout to the heavens, “Not today!”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Goodbye, My Friend

What is a friend?  Friendship is love, about love, and requires love on some level to be experienced, to be shared, or to be real between two people.  There are different levels of friendship, just like there are different levels of love, and like love, we can get very hurt or disappointed when we set expectations and a level of devotion that isn’t met by our partner.  Also like love, we throw the word “friend” around so freely and misuse it on a grand scale. Someone always coming to you with their hands out, with dramatic problems for you to solve, or with an emptiness they’re trying to fill with drugs, drama, or sex but never give back, those are not friends… those are vampires who will never be there when/if you ever need them. Yet some of us give so much of ourselves to these vampires and often neglect our real friends as we get caught up in the drama.

I’ve been hurt recently by someone I considered a very close, intimate friend.  The pain I feel isn’t all their fault, it’s half mine. Their level of devotion wasn’t in the same place as mine, therefore I set expectations they could not meet, and I got hurt at the realization I wasn’t valued at the same level I valued them. We’ve all been there.  We’ve all been at that place where we’ve invested our hearts into someone, to discover they haven’t in turn invested their heart back into you.  The first thing we usually do is wonder what’s wrong with us that the love we gave wasn’t enough, or wasn’t returned, but that’s the wrong mindset to have and often leads to depression and issues of self-esteem. Half, 50% is not about you, or about them, but about both.  As with love, it takes TWO people to make a successful relationship or friendship work, or fail.

So, what do I do when the friend that I’ve loved so much, gave so much, invested so much, and tried so hard and no matter what I did, they just couldn’t love me back, didn’t give me the time of day, or doesn’t even care whether I’m dead or alive? Do I turn to the dramatic antics to get their attention? No, I just remember the beautiful qualities of the friend I fell in love with in the first place, and simply walk away.  And I don’t do that for them, but for me because of who I am as a person.  I can let my hurt turn into anger and try to hurt them back, and believe me there’s a part of me that wants to do exactly that, but the love I have for them is real and hurting them back is not an act of love. I remember the person I am, the person I look at in the mirror every day, the person I love most and am very proud of their growth and maturity.  I love that woman that looks back at me in the mirror, whether she’s looking at me with a huge smile on her face or with tears in her eyes. In all truth – THAT is my best friend.

This morning, with tears in my eyes, I look at that beautiful woman in the mirror and I tell her how much “I” love her, how proud of her “I” am, how much “I” appreciate her, how much “I” value her, how beautiful I think she is as a person.  Then, as any best friend would do when they see their friend in pain, I tell her, ‘Fuck that asshole! They’re the dumbest mother-fucker in the world if they can’t value you, because I know you, and I know you gave your best, and they won’t find anyone more devoted, more honest, or more giving than you. They don’t deserve you. You deserve to be treated better. They are the one that lost something beautiful today. You keep your head up, Chica, because you gave your whole heart.  You walk away with your integrity intact.  Wish them well, because you love them, but you keep walking because you love yourself too and you deserve friends that love you back, that value you, that care about you, and that deserve you.

And that is that.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Falling Out of Love

Is this really possible? Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve experienced it on both sides of the coin, am experiencing a form of it now, and yet I still don’t understand how such a thing can really occur.

It’s easy to get angry at the opposite end of a love affair falling apart. We are beings that change, adapt, evolve and go through several metamorphosis on a constant basis. There’s no such person that always ‘stays the same’. Yet, as much as we change we are also creatures of habit.

I think the part that hurts most in a Falling Out of Love experience is the change that occurs when the habits, especially the habits that made us most happy, are the ones that change. I.e. – Simply saying ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’… and having that suddenly or slowly stop. I had a friend and it drove him crazy with me simply sending him a good morning and good night text every day. He never understood that it was my way of saying to him that he was important to me… that I thought about him in my early morning thoughts, wished him well through the day, and then as I meditated before I fell asleep he was a part of those thoughts as well. But because my habits bothered him, I stopped (mostly)… and with it… I stopped thinking about him so much. Days sometimes go by where I barely think of them at all, or mention his name, or concern myself with his well-being. I miss him terribly, but I don’t want to bother him either. The daily wishes… were more for me than for him. I’ve been forgotten, left behind, and abandoned a lot… and I never wanted anyone I care about to ever feel that from me. So, I try to keep the ones I care about most fresh in my thoughts. Yet, I still sometimes find myself reluctant to send a simple, “good morning” thinking I’m bothering them.

When you’re in a relationship, regardless of the type of relationship, we develop habits on how we relate to one another. Those tend to be the first things that change when the relationship changes. It’s always small changes, a slow pulling away, that happens when a relationship is fading out. Those are painful if you are observant enough to see them. The absence of these habits produces emotional holes. If you are used to communicating with someone every day, consistently, and they suddenly stop or those communications get farther apart, it hurts. It hurts because you know the embers are dying and unless the coals are flamed, they will fizzle.

This is where my stubbornness hurts me most. If I feel someone withdrawing from me, I slam up my walls preparing myself for the pain I know is coming. I should be pumping air onto those smoldering coals, but instead I withdraw further away. I run… emotionally and physically.

I’m not saying that’s the thing to do. On the contrary… that’s the thing NOT to do. I’ve never saved a relationship by walking away or letting them walk away. But, it’s one of my triggers. It’s one of my self-preservation psychotic moves. Just because I will stand back and allow people to walk away from me, doesn’t mean I don’t care or that it doesn’t hurt. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I still have holes where people have walked away from me and I let them go. But it doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving them. How is that even possible? For me, I have truly loved them all, and in some ways still do. What died was the relationship, the communication, the connection, but the beautiful things I loved about them are still there. Perhaps it’s just me because it sure seems they stopped loving me. I don’t think any of my exes hate me, but did they ever really love me? Do they think fondly of me on those rare moments I brush across their thoughts? Who knows.. it doesn’t matter because they’re not here now. They walked away or else let me walk away. I had friends I thought would be in my life forever that are nowhere to be found. I had lovers who I couldn’t imagine my life without. Yet, here I am today alone, yet still breathing, still living, still existing, just not in their world.

So, did the love just fall away? Did it just stop? Or just the effort to fight for it? Will I ever be worth fighting for in someone’s life? To maintain a relationship with me, they’ll have to fight for me, because I won’t stop them if they ever chose to leave. Watching them leave is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, because I’m helpless to stop, to change, to save the fall. I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. Never. Being in a relationship like that doesn’t just hurt emotionally, it kills the soul.

I don’t the answer. I don’t know if falling out of love is possible, but falling out of habit is very much real.

Till next time,



~T.L. Gray

Back to Me

Sometimes we have to walk away from all we’ve known to find ourselves.  It’s taken a long time for me to find me, and I can’t allow someone or something to come in and make me lose myself again or pull me back into an idea or situation I’ve found the courage to leave.  People and situations come in and out of our lives because we are ever changing, growing, and discovering. 

I’m not the same person I was six months ago, or a year ago, or six years ago.  There was a time I needed something different, because I was different.  I’m a new person now, and my needs have changed.  If we haven’t changed together, then I must leave you behind.  I can’t turn around and go back, that person doesn’t exist anymore.  It doesn’t mean I didn’t love, need, appreciate or respect what we had together; it’s just not what I need any more.    Whether it’s a marriage, a close friend, a lover, a career, a culture, a way of thinking, a passion, or a place …I have to be true to me or I’m no good for anyone… especially me.   I’ve got to love me or I have NOTHING for anyone else.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray