Unforgivable

Is there really anything that is unforgiveable? Something so bad that we just can’t accept or pardon?  For me – YES.  There are definitely things, acts, decisions, and actions in this world that I will never be able to forgive, not even for myself if I did them.  Before you start throwing your judgment darts at me – let me remind you that I’m not God.  I am a human being, filled with both the capability and capacity to do good AND evil, to love and hate, to judge and forgive.

However what does it really mean to forgive? What makes the things we do either good or evil? How are our actions and thoughts placed upon the morality scale?  Who made the scale? Is the scale the same for everybody else?

This is the cause of many wars, mankind’s idea of what is right, wrong, moral, and divine.  It’s a battle of ego – who’s right and wrong, whose god is the real god, whose god is the false god, and of what is truth and what is defined as opinion.  For me, and I can only speak for me, we don’t really need those ‘written’ laws, decrees, commandments to know the difference between right and wrong.  We know it the moment we think or commit an act if it’s wrong or evil, and that’s when we start looking for excuses and loopholes to try and feel better about our decisions. Getting caught or being sorry has nothing to do with forgiveness.

I have done evil. I have done thing in my life that when I did them, I knew it was wrong, not because someone told me, or a religion commanded and declared it so, but from this gut feeling, this sinking knowledge deep inside that let me know it was wrong.  I have acted in anger, jealousy, hurt, selfishness and pride – and cast my judgement on others for doing the same. There may have been reasons, but there is never any excuse.

Am I unforgivable?  I can’t speak for others or for God, only for myself. It has taken me years to forgive myself for some of the things I’ve said or done, there are some other things I’m still working on making right. Not by saying, “I’m sorry.” No, by studying my true intentions, my true motives, my true desires and trying to understand and learn, to see the consequences of my choices, and how those choices affected others and the world around me. Did I learn something from them? I can’t even begin forming the idea of forgiveness until I understand and face the dirty, ugly truth of my actions. 

Forgiveness isn’t a word, it’s a state of being. I can’t just give it to myself, I must step into the truth of it, and I can’t do that unless I first face my offenses, face my actions, face my consequences in TRUTH. Then … when I look upon myself, my true self, I have another choice …to love myself anyway – as the dirty, sinful, hateful, pathetic and weak being that I am – love myself anyway.  I am NOT talking about making an excuse – but really seeing the truth of me. THEN – and only then will forgiveness become available. Some of us have done so much for so long our souls no longer cry out and we no longer feel any shame or pain.  In essence we have lost our souls and are dead inside. Forgiveness is for the soul, so it’s not going to be available for the soulless.

I’m sure we’ve all done things that we are not proud, that we are ashamed, that haunt our souls – for those of us who still have them. I’m sure we’ve all lost our minds sometime in moments of weakness, moments of pain, and moments of fear, leading us to do unspeakable things. Ignoring our truth doesn’t make them go away. Denying truth doesn’t make things in a state of have never happened. 

Seek forgiveness and free your soul. All – not some of us, but ALL have fallen short of the glory of God.  The difference is who stays there and who rises. Don’t lose your soul. Don’t ignore your truth. Seek and find your forgiveness. Only YOU can do it.  Let stop worrying about what others have done – and look to ourselves.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Brotherhood

In an attempt to bury my head and to keep myself from feeling sorry this Father’s Day weekend, I delved into binge-watching the show SEAL Team starring David Boreanez.  I watched all of Season 1 and am part way through Season 2 now. It’s a great show. I found myself teared up a few times, and on the edge of excitement and/or tension at other times.  The story lines were familiar, sometimes too familiar, but I thought they were well-written and not glamorized in Hollywood fashion, beating us over the head with their slanted agenda.

*Small rant* - Usually when someone has a personal agenda when they write a story, the story isn’t balanced, and that imbalance makes it not work. The general population is mostly ignorant, but a bad story is a bad story regardless if observed by the ignorant or intelligent alike. *Getting off m soapbox*

But, I think about the moments in SEAL Team that brought me to tears and asked myself why that particular scene affected me so much, curious as to what truly touched the nerve and evoked the emotion I fought so hard to suppress. When I’m alone I try not to suppress my emotions because my home is my safe place, but it’s a hard habit to break.  I didn’t realize it until this morning what moved me so much – the brotherhood.

For as long as I remember, I have loved and admired Military personnel. I don’t really prefer one branch above the other, though at times one may have my attention more than the others.  James was an Army Ranger – so Rangers were my focus for a long time.  Emilio was an Army Drill Sergeant.  Jeff was an Army Ranger.  Homar is a Marine. Jenna was Army. Evenlyn was Army. Brad was Navy. Matt is Marine. Chris is Marine. Matthew is Reserve. John was National Guard. Scott was Navy SEAL, and so on and so on.  I have many friends who have served this country in the Armed Forces from every branch – Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and National Guard.  I am drawn to them and feel a kinship, yet still feel on the outside.  But, why do I love them so much?  I think it’s because of the ‘brotherhood’.

James was the first person to ever make me feel loved and safe. It should have been my family, but I didn’t have that kind of family.  I had many brothers, and though I love them and will always love them, we were not a brotherhood.  I carried them, but there was no one to carry me. I had to learn to carry myself. I had a biological mother and father, but make no mistake, I was an orphan. I was married for two decades, but was never really wanted or ever felt at home in his family. And I’ve been in a couple relationships since where I just didn’t belong. James was killed in ‘93 and with his death I lost that sense of belonging. Just before he died, I would hear him talk about his brother’s on his team, and I was jealous, but only a little because I knew in his heart I was also part of his team, that I held a part of his heart just like his brothers.  I wish I had got to know them, but I couldn’t even tell you one of their names. I think I’ve been seeking them out in all the service men and women I’ve met over the years.

I don’t feel I belong anywhere, and that I’m constantly on the outside looking in the windows of all the brotherhoods around me.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been loved in this world – by my kids, by my friends, even by my ex-lovers. They all loved me – but they were not my brotherhood.  This world is a hard world and I’ve had to fight my whole life to survive it. I am a survivor. I’m not a victim. I’m laughing/crying right now, because I’m thinking about Marcus Luttrell, and I want to say to him, “You think you’re the Lone Survivor? Yeah, you’re the one who survived Operation Red Wing, and you lost your brothers (my condolences), but you had – and still have – a brotherhood.  You were NEVER alone. You have a brotherhood until the day you die. You’re so fucking lucky.” I mean that with the utmost respect. He’s one of my true life heroes.

So, I think I’ve discovered what it was that truly evoked my emotions this past weekend. It was Father’s Day and I was lost. I have no father, no father-in-law, and no husband that’s a father, no boyfriend with kids, no son with kids, and no son-in-law with kids to celebrate with and/or for. I loved seeing all the people honoring and loving their fathers. I was so jealous.  Angry at those assholes who did not honor their fathers.

God is my father. He is also my brotherhood. I believe He put this love in my heart for warriors and brothers in arms. It’s not the uniform I love – it’s the bond of love that is formed in these teams.  The tighter the team – the stronger the bond. Maybe I’ll find my team someday. I think my biggest hope is that one of these brothers could someday love me the way they loved their brothers, and that they would fight for me, protect me, and be there for me with the same dedication, fight and determination – willing to sacrifice it all. But, if not – I got this.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

I Am the Biggest Fool

I am fool. I am a fool because I care and love those who are even bigger fools than myself. I’ve always heard a phrase that God watches over fools and idiots. He must have a league of angels watching over me.

I’m not unintelligent. I’m not naïve. I see what’s around me. The world is an ugly mess. People are an ugly mess. I try so hard to be something beautiful in this gray world, but sometimes I get tired of carrying that light.  Yet, I’m a strong person because I’ve been forced to shine that light for myself, find my way out, and put up my guards and shields all my life. Yet, poison still gets in. I open the door to danger. I invite in chaos. Why?  Because of love.

Not because of others loving me, or that I’ve fallen into that crazy, wild love and can’t see what’s around me, or that I’m refusing to see the truth. No, I see the truth and walk in it anyway. THAT’s why I’m a fool.  I’m in love with what can and will never be in love with me, who chooses the company of vampires and leeches over me.

But I deserve better than this.  What about me?

I remember another God moment, where I was on my face, nose in the carpet, pouring my heart out and praying for my kids, my ex-husband, my church, my friends, my job, etc. 

When I was done unloading all that worry, I heard a whisper calmly ask me a simple question.  “If you knew one of your children were starving, hungry, and in pain, what would you do for them?”

I answered, “Anything, well, anything that would help them, even if it was hard for them, hard for me, or misunderstood.”

The whisper replied, “If they were in danger, would you risk your own life to save them?”

Without hesitation, I answered, “Yes. Always.”

There was a long silence. Whisper said to me, “You are my child, and you’ve neglected yourself trying to take care of everyone else.  You’ve ignored your needs, buried your wants, and your soul is starving for the love it needs.  You’ve abused my child long enough. I won’t tolerate it anymore.”

I felt so ashamed, because I had ignored myself. I’ve always done whatever to survive, to meet what everyone else needed, because I was in need. I knew what it felt like to be hungry, so I spent more than 17 years feeding the poor.  I knew what it felt like to be unloved as a child by your parents, so my heart reached out to any unloved kids that crossed my path – I still do. I knew what it was like to be pregnant and alone, so I opened my home to a pregnant stranger. I knew what it was like to not have a friend in the whole world, have someone to help me in a time of need, so I became the kind of friend I needed.  But, it doesn’t come without a cost.

A friend posted a meme on their Facebook wall the other day that said, “I want someone to look at me and say, ‘Damn, that’s mine!’ and just be proud to have me.”  I responded with a simple, “It’ll never happen.” A complete stranger sent me a message that had me crying in the middle of my shift at work. I hid the tears as much as I could, but I couldn’t help feel the pain, a pain that I’ve been stuffing down and trying to ignore.  This stranger messaged me, “…you’re a very attractive woman. So, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this year, but you’ll find someone who’s proud to call you theirs.”

What this stranger doesn’t realize is that I have MANY people in my life who love me, even more that respect me, and I’m not in want for friends. Remember, I’ve spent my life being a good friend. But, no one has EVER claimed me as theirs – not my parents, not my family, not my ex-husband, not any of ex-boyfriend’s – who are still my friends because they love me as a person.  I’m great to love – as a friend, to depend on, to respect, to turn to, to be there when no one else will, but… to love me – the woman?  I’m turning 46 years old next week, and I’ve only ever felt truly loved once in my life… for just a very brief moment and then he died.  Loved …for ME.  In love …WITH me.  I’ve been in love 4 times, but only deeply, madly, crazy in love once. But, they didn’t want me.  They love me, but not how I love them. They choose their chaos over me.

I’ve been neglecting myself again, putting myself on the back burner to focus on others and their needs. There’s always a reason. There’s always a need.  All the reasons are good, but it doesn’t mean they’re not interfering. When do I matter? When does what I need and want matter? Life is shit. Life is chaos. There will ALWAYS be something – but WHEN do I put me first again?  I have needs too.  I’m such a fool. I’m not naïve. I know the reality of my situation. I know that I’m loved, but unloved.  I’m not blind. I see more than I let them know I see. I’m not stupid, either. Just because I don’t expose what I know is in the dark, doesn’t mean I’m unaware. I just choose to be a light, something positive, and spread a message of hope instead of judgment. I choose to focus on what’s important.  I love because I need love. I help because I need help.  I’m friendly because I’m lonely. I give, because I’m empty.  I go without so others won’t. I have to believe it’s not for nothing. I’m not stupid. I know I will not be chosen. I will be left behind for the vampire, for the leech, for the lotus flower, for the opportunity, for the drug, for the convenience, for the addiction, for the easy way, for the simpler path …. I always have been, especially by those who claim to love me most. It’s hard to love me. 

My whisper, my God, my love watches over me. They have to, because I’m the biggest fool. 

“Someday when my crying’s done, I’m gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun. I may be a fool, but darlin’ you’ll never see me complain, ‘cause I’ll do my cryin’ in the rain.” ~Jaime Ellis

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

What is a Picture of Beauty?

I post a lot of pictures of me on my Facebook, most of them of me smiling or just enjoying life.  I’ve been told that I’m narcissistic, that I’m just obsessed with myself.  For those who think or comment in that manner shows me they know nothing about me. If you scroll through my blog or my Facebook, you’ll not find a picture more than five or six years old.  I personally only have less than a dozen.  Why? I never took pictures of myself because I didn’t feel I mattered.  Others didn’t take and post pictures of me either; they still don’t, because I don’t matter to them, not even my friends today. If I’m on their pages, it’s because I’ve tagged myself in a picture that I took, not one that they took of me. 

I started taking ‘selfies’ when I read an meme that stated, “If you want to see what or who someone values or fears losing, look at who and what they take pictures of.” That hit me right in the heart and deep in my soul.  It was like God whispered in my ear to pay attention.  It had me scrolling through my pictures of beautiful outdoor scenery and activities, my pets, my family, my food, art, simple things I found beautiful, and it was clear to see all the things I loved, because they were right there in front of me in brilliant color, picture, after picture, after picture.  But it didn’t take long before I noticed what was missing in all those pictures - me.  Well, I made a quick excuse, “I’m taking the pictures, so it only makes sense I’m behind the camera, not in front of it.  So, I went to my family and friend’s pages, scrolled through their pictures, and again I could clearly see all the things they loved and valued, but not one picture of me. Not one.  It broke my heart. It still hurts. This was about five years ago.

Before I go any further, the biggest culprit was me.  My family just followed the example I set for them. Because I have problem letting people touch me, my children never hug me, and they tell me it feels awkward when they do.  Who the hell feels awkward hugging their mother and telling her that you love her?  I’ve hugged and kissed my children since the day they were born, and told them I loved them as often as I could. I still do every chance I get.  But, they forget I even exist.  So, how does that happen?

I stopped waiting for someone else to love and value me and started to love and value myself.  I see women posting pictures every day, mostly of themselves in sexually suggestive positions, and it makes me sad.  It’s literally about 95% of the pictures I see. That’s their idea of beauty.  They are complimented my men and women alike and told how beautiful they are, so why should they believe any different?  Why should they act any different? That’s narcissism, posing to get attention, even if the attention is low, perverted, and disgraceful.  These women don’t understand that they’re not displaying their beauty, but their ignorance, allowing themselves to be demeaned as a woman, and viewed only as an object of perversion.  The admiration they receive now will fade once they get a little older; their bodies no longer have the same sexual draw, and then what? What will they have to offer their admirers since their admirers are only interested in their flesh.  But, a woman who smiles, laughs, is pictured living life, appreciating life, loving herself and the world around her are truly visions of beauty.  A woman caught in a moment of compassion, in a nurturing embrace, being a helpmate and friend, those are images of beauty.  Beauty is not her cup size, not in the shape of her boobs, lips, legs or ass, or in suggestive positions so perverted assholes can fantasize fucking her.  She then becomes only an object of their perversion and no longer a woman of beauty. Believe me; while the men appreciate the pictures, they have no respect for her as a woman. 

When I meet a man and start talking to him, if he asks me about my body, or asks me to send him pictures of myself in a bikini etc., then I instantly lose interest in them because it tells me they are not interested in my true beauty.  There are enough women with low self-esteem out there eager to please their narcissistic need for approval by ignorant assholes, but I’m not one of them.  Don’t get me wrong – when I’m in a relationship with ‘MY’ man, I love to be sexual, playful, flirty, etc., because I can share that part of myself with that man because he already recognized my true beauty.  But if I’m not in a relationship, don’t ask me for pictures of my body you fucking assholes! No, definitely ask me, so that way I know who you truly are and can write you off as anyone valuable in my life.

I post pictures of me smiling quite often because I love and value myself.  Those smiles are for me, to remind me that I matter.  This world can’t do that for me. Someone else can’t do that for me. I have to do it for myself.  I post pictures of the people and things that I love and value.  Someday someone else will post a picture of me, and it will truly be a picture of beauty.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Budgeting - Our Time

Most often when we talk about budgeting we are referring to our money.  That is important and I will get to that later this week.  But, right now I want to focus on budgeting our time.  This will help us with our money and everything else. Time is the thing we lose more than anything. It keeps moving no matter what’s going on in our lives. It never stops.  Most of all, it never gives us back what time we’ve lost.  As the song states, “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.”

Time is also something we are only given a certain amount.  Some of us are given a little more than others, but essentially we all are given less than 100 years, or 1200 months, or 36,500 days, or 876,000 hours, or 52,560,000 minutes. Regardless of the overall amount we each have, we all have the same 24 hours in a day.  None of us get more or less than anyone else.  Our choices are what differ.  24 hours a day, every day.  That’s it, folks.  There are no do-overs, there are no second chances, and there is no re-start button – at least not with THIS life.  Time is also not guaranteed.  Our time could be up today, tomorrow, or at any moment.  I have suddenly lost people in my life, and their absence leaves a deep hole inside my soul. I one day will be absent and leave this world.  BUT, while I’m here, I want to make the most of the time I have, and in order to make the most of it, I have to budget and protect my time, just like I do my money.

Not knowing exactly how much time we have makes budgeting complicated. However, that shouldn’t stop us from planning, using estimated and approximated time in order to utilize it the best we can.  Time is a thief, it steals moments and opportunities when we allow it control of our decisions.  When we just ‘wing it’, we miss a lot of opportunity.  Though it’s been said opportunity falls into our laps, that’s not been the experience I’ve known.  While opportunities present themselves throughout our lives, we have to choose to seize them or lose them, and our lives will become a string of regret.

This is very important. We have to protect our time.  We have to be picky about who and what we allow into our lives. There are people and substances (substance abuse, addictions and distractions (yes, this also includes video games) that will steal our attention, distract our focus, waste our time, and destroy our opportunities. Misery loves company.  Laziness loves excuses. Train wrecks love to cause other train wrecks. Users seek to use up our opportunities and resources, and then move onto their next victim, leaving us empty. Addicts need other addicts. Losers make other losers. You are as successful as the company you keep.  You are who you hang with. If you’re surrounded by a bunch of losers, addicts, lazy-ass mother fuckers, cheaters, liars, thieves, thugs, selfish, self-centered narcissists … get the picture?  Surround yourself with people who are successful, driven, focused, giving, optimistic, wise, intelligent, and kind.  Make a plan for YOURSELF, and then stand back and watch to see who or what comes in to derail or support those plans.  While we would love to blame THEM or THAT, they’re not the ones responsible for stealing our time or destroying the budget or plans we’ve made with that time. WE ARE. We are the guardians and managers of ourselves, our time, our budget, our resources, our company, our friends, our drive and determination, and everything else we have and want. 

If we want to get ahead, enjoy success, fulfill our dreams, reach our goals, and live a life full of experience and adventures, then we must take a realistic look at how we spend our time, make the necessary and honest (often hard) adjustments, and then budget our time to meet those goals and dreams.  It can be done. I’ve done it several times now and I’m doing it again. I hope you come along with me. If not, then good luck to you, because I’m not going to stick around and allow you steal my time or derail my dreams. I love myself enough to cut you out of my time budget.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Back to the Busyness of Being Happy

Life is complicated.  It’s filled with difficulties. No matter how ‘together’ we get ourselves, tragedy finds its way into our lives, upsetting our plans, providing roadblocks to the best of our intentions.  If we are ‘waiting’ to live in any capacity, or for our lives to be less complicated before we open our hearts to love or happiness, then we are lying to ourselves and robbing ourselves of any love or happiness we could experience today. We need to get busy, NOW. We need to start living in the moment, right in the middle of our chaos.  We need to get into the busyness of being happy.

Waiting never brought anything.  Life doesn’t present itself out of the blue, we must go out and grab it, live it, and choose to fight for the success we want to enjoy.  If we think things will be better LATER, when our priorities and problems are lighter, we are telling ourselves the biggest lie. It’s a lie that robs us of the love and happiness we could be enjoying now.  If we can’t choose happiness now, or accept happiness in our lives now, we never will.  There will always be reasons and excuses.  We must choose happiness in the middle of our chaos if we ever want to experience it at all.

Are we waiting to love after …our kids are grown, our bills are paid, we lose weight, we have a better job, we have a bigger house, we have a better car, we have gained success, or we are healthier?  Are we waiting to be happy to be happy?  That’s stupid. It doesn’t work that way. If we think so, we are lying to ourselves and robbing ourselves of the happiness and love we could be enjoying now.  Not only enjoying it, but allowing it to fuel, encourage, and inspire us – giving us the strength we need to obtain all those other things we want for ourselves and the ones we love.  Do we want our children to be happy?  How are we teaching them to be happy when our example is the opposite?  Do we want to be an example of hope, determination, and success?  Do we think we can teach something that we are not leading by example?

Love and happiness are our strength.  It is the force in this universe that gives us the forte to properly deal with all the chaos the world throws at us. We are weak without it.  God is love.  Love is where we find forgiveness.  It’s where we find hope.  It’s where life truly happens. It’s where we learn to truly love those in our lives.  Outside it, we only find pain and heartbreak, loneliness and fear.  I speak of love, not lust, not obsession, not passion, but true love. Love that puts others’ needs before our own; love that reaches for us in the fullness of our failure, at our weakest, at our most low and desperate moments. The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we should be alone. Choosing to be alone isn’t about trying to find ourselves, it’s about being afraid.  Our fears keep us alone.  Our fears make the self-destructive choices that only bring more chaos, more oppression, and bad decisions into our lives.  Fear is our weakness. The only way to confront fear is to get back to the busyness of being happy.

1 John 4:7-8 “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

“Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.” ~Euripides

“The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.”  ~Hubert Humphries

“We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” Orson Welles

Friendship

I had a conversation last night with a very good friend, where I made the statement that while I was very empty in romance, I was very rich in friendship. I am.  I am very lucky that I have such wonderful friends in my life.  The meaning of friendship has been on my mind a lot lately.  I’ve made some new friends because I’ve opened myself to allow new people into my life, and I’ve cut out some toxic because of the way they’ve treated me.

I have to fight very hard not to lose myself in someone else, not to allow their wants, needs, and desires to override my own. I’ve done that all my life, gave up the things I wanted to accommodate others, sacrificed my own needs to make sure those I love were never in need or without.  Oh, boy… I’ve made some HUGE strides in this area over the past few years.  I’ve learned to say “no”.

However, I still find myself at times putting up with the bullshit, keeping quiet when I’m disrespected, letting others place their needs, their issues, their wants, their devices, their additions, and their bullshit at a personal cost to myself. 

But that’s okay, because I’m back on my journey to self-love and self-respect.  The stronger I grow, the less I put up with the bullshit. No matter how much I love my friends, I WILL walk away from those who continuously abuse, neglect or take advantage of me.  I put up with a lot, because I know none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, we all have weaknesses and failures, and I’m no judge.  I hope for the best for those I love, and I’ll do anything for them to help them achieve their dreams, dig out of their problems, and fight for what they need. But I don’t have to put up with the disrespect and the abuse.

Ignore me, lie to me, use me, always come to me with your hand out, but NEVER bother to ask how my day may have went or if “I” needed anything, I’ll start to put my wall up.  Push me away when you’re going through something, and because I love you I’ll keep coming back. Keep pushing me away, one day I’ll eventually keep walking.  I’ve been there, where I’ve pushed everyone away in my life.  My real friends didn’t let me completely block them out, and I love them for not giving up on me.  But, there will come a time when I will give up, because I’ve made a vow to myself that I will never remain where I’m not wanted, where I’m not respected, where I’m neglected and abused.

My greatest hope is that one day I will be happy and deeply in love with my soul mate, my best friend, my greatest companion… and he will be just as much in love with me.  I will never doubt his love, I will experience the beauty of his respect, I will taste the fruit of his passion, and I will give him my everything because he will be my everything.  He will not abuse me or neglect me.  He will honor me, love me, cherish me, respect me, desire me, care about my hopes, dreams, fears, and passions.  He will sometimes piss me off and disappoint me, but he will make me confident in his love so I’ll be unafraid to just be myself. He will not make me feel small or a fool.  I will be his crown, his closest companion, his biggest cheerleader, and his greatest fan, his best friend.

At least that’s my hope and fantasy. I'm not yet ready to meet him or jump immediately into a serious situation.  I still can't breathe. I'm still a mangled mess. But I will be ready, someday, and I hope that day comes soon.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Goodbye, My Friend

What is a friend?  Friendship is love, about love, and requires love on some level to be experienced, to be shared, or to be real between two people.  There are different levels of friendship, just like there are different levels of love, and like love, we can get very hurt or disappointed when we set expectations and a level of devotion that isn’t met by our partner.  Also like love, we throw the word “friend” around so freely and misuse it on a grand scale. Someone always coming to you with their hands out, with dramatic problems for you to solve, or with an emptiness they’re trying to fill with drugs, drama, or sex but never give back, those are not friends… those are vampires who will never be there when/if you ever need them. Yet some of us give so much of ourselves to these vampires and often neglect our real friends as we get caught up in the drama.

I’ve been hurt recently by someone I considered a very close, intimate friend.  The pain I feel isn’t all their fault, it’s half mine. Their level of devotion wasn’t in the same place as mine, therefore I set expectations they could not meet, and I got hurt at the realization I wasn’t valued at the same level I valued them. We’ve all been there.  We’ve all been at that place where we’ve invested our hearts into someone, to discover they haven’t in turn invested their heart back into you.  The first thing we usually do is wonder what’s wrong with us that the love we gave wasn’t enough, or wasn’t returned, but that’s the wrong mindset to have and often leads to depression and issues of self-esteem. Half, 50% is not about you, or about them, but about both.  As with love, it takes TWO people to make a successful relationship or friendship work, or fail.

So, what do I do when the friend that I’ve loved so much, gave so much, invested so much, and tried so hard and no matter what I did, they just couldn’t love me back, didn’t give me the time of day, or doesn’t even care whether I’m dead or alive? Do I turn to the dramatic antics to get their attention? No, I just remember the beautiful qualities of the friend I fell in love with in the first place, and simply walk away.  And I don’t do that for them, but for me because of who I am as a person.  I can let my hurt turn into anger and try to hurt them back, and believe me there’s a part of me that wants to do exactly that, but the love I have for them is real and hurting them back is not an act of love. I remember the person I am, the person I look at in the mirror every day, the person I love most and am very proud of their growth and maturity.  I love that woman that looks back at me in the mirror, whether she’s looking at me with a huge smile on her face or with tears in her eyes. In all truth – THAT is my best friend.

This morning, with tears in my eyes, I look at that beautiful woman in the mirror and I tell her how much “I” love her, how proud of her “I” am, how much “I” appreciate her, how much “I” value her, how beautiful I think she is as a person.  Then, as any best friend would do when they see their friend in pain, I tell her, ‘Fuck that asshole! They’re the dumbest mother-fucker in the world if they can’t value you, because I know you, and I know you gave your best, and they won’t find anyone more devoted, more honest, or more giving than you. They don’t deserve you. You deserve to be treated better. They are the one that lost something beautiful today. You keep your head up, Chica, because you gave your whole heart.  You walk away with your integrity intact.  Wish them well, because you love them, but you keep walking because you love yourself too and you deserve friends that love you back, that value you, that care about you, and that deserve you.

And that is that.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward... Day 5

Well, it’s day five and I’m still moving forward.  Not in leaps and bounds, but in tiny steps, but the most important thing is that I’m moving.

One of the ways and keys to moving forward is making plans and small changes to fulfill those plans.  If you would have asked me last year what my plans were, they would be so different than the plans I’m making now.  Why is that?  Because of the people that are in my life now.

Since last year, I’ve met three people that I’ve fell madly in love with, and knowing them has filled my life, my heart and now my plans, but I’ll get into that more as I go through these plans that I’m making in my quest of moving forward.

Lighthouse Adventure.  As most of you already know, I’m on a quest to visit, picture, and explore all the lighthouses along the Florida coast from Amelia Island to Pensacola, including the keys.  I’ve already discovered, photo, or visited more than ten so far.  I’m constantly searching maps, books, and google maps searching and researching the lighthouses of Florida. It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s educational, and it’s an adventure that makes me smile.

Writing. As you can see, I’ve picked up blogging on a regular basis again, but I haven’t given any time to writing.  But, as part of moving forward in my writing, I’m making a promise, a plan, to write at least one thing a week…whether a short story, or a chapter, or an article.  This doesn’t include blogging.  I plan to do that every week day.

Gaming.  I’ve been playing Xbox video games now for the last 4 years, starting with Assassin’s Creed, Red Dead Redemption, and then moving to Destiny, with splashes of GTAV, Halo, Call of Duty, and various new games here and there.  I’m not hard core, but I enjoy them.  Most of all I enjoy the company of my gamer friends.  My plan is make time to play, at least an hour a day during the week, and no more than a few hours on the weekend.

Side note: Well, my boys (two of the three people I’ve met this past year that I mentioned above), Anthony and Nathan, now play video games with me.  It’s a common ground activity for us, a way to spend quality time together, doing something we all enjoy, yet in the comfort of our own homes/rooms.  I love hanging out with these boys, they are two amazing teenagers, and I know they wouldn’t be the remarkable kids they are without the love and guidance of their father, Jon.  He’s a single dad and got a lot on his plate, but one of the things I admire most about him is the love he pours into these boys.  He’s not perfect by any means, struggles on many levels, but on the important things, I feel he’s doing a damned good job.   I also don’t think he gets enough credit for the effort he makes.  He lets his boys be themselves, but within defined guidelines.  He always tells them he loves them.  He’s always hugging them.  Most of all, in his busy world with all his responsibilities, he spends QUALITY time with them whether taking them fishing or surfing, or playing a vicious game of Monopoly or Poker.  He’s home with them after work, and then spends most weekends with them.  He makes them brush their teeth, do their chores, and pitch in with cooking, doing laundry, instead of doing everything for them.  

Warning: Rant ahead.  It pisses me off sometimes when his selfish friends are always asking him to go do things that they want or need, that will take him away from time with his boys, when they have no similar responsibilities, or when they take advantage of him by asking him to do things to help themselves in the middle of THEIR crisis, instead of helping HIM. I’ve never heard any of them offer to take him and his boys on an adventure, go over and help him clean his house, cook him a meal to feed his boys, or ask him if he needs anything. He wouldn’t take their help if they offered it, but they never offer. They come to him with their relationship problems, stupid-ass choice, and dire straits, because he listens and he cares.  They take, take, and take… want, want, and want for themselves and what THEY need.  Where’s the giving?  Where’s the helping? Where’s the love? They’re selfish bastards. (And I don’t give a fuck if they get pissed at me for feeling this way. I’ve yet to see any of those fuckers do anything for that family but take. And there have been many opportunities for those fuckers to help. Fuck them!) Yet, Jon would do anything to help any of them if they needed it, and he helps them often (I’ve witnessed it), usually at the sacrifice of valuable time that he needs to keep on top of his own responsibilities. Fucking selfish bitches. Yet, when he needed something – none of those bitches were around. A real friend wouldn’t have to be told what he needs, they would see it. I don’t want to get to know any of them, and the one’s I have gotten to know so far, I’m not impressed. Yes, it’s important that Jon spends some time for himself, doing adult things, not forgetting he’s not just a father, but a man or a friend. But his friends should be more considerate of his responsibilities and not even ask him to do anything that would make meeting those responsibilities harder or more of a burden for him. Take the man out to eat, put gas in his truck, help him change a tire, buy him a beer, go surfing with him (even if it’s not your thing – do something HE loves, not just ask him to join in YOUR activities), take him to a movie, or play a game of poker (bring him a fat cigar too – he loves those). Oy veh! Okay – rant over, back to the regularly scheduled program.

Fishing.  I plan to learn how to fish.  Not just because I want to know myself, nor for the fact that I live in Florida and with all the lakes, rivers, and ocean all around me, fishing is abundant.  I want to learn how to fish, because I know it’s a passion for Nathan, and I want to be able to share in that activity with him.  I’ve seen this kid’s face completely light up when it comes to fishing.  Seeing that love and excitement on his face, that’s worth it to learn.  So, I’ll be researching poles, equipment, bait, methods, patterns, etc.  That’s one of my new goals, and I’m excited about it.

Sailing.  I have also met this year a wonderful new friend, Jason, that can see the joy and excitement on my face when out on the water, and has offered to make that activity available to me.  This is one of those treasured friends that are rare to find. I’m glad I met him and I’m glad he’s my friend.  I’ve been sailing now a few times, and boating aboard a floating Christmas tree a couple times, and planning a huge trip later in 2017.  I love being on the water. I love being in nature. I can’t express how it soothes my soul. Nor can I truly express how grateful I am to the opportunity Jason is offering me, and not just me, but for those I love most too… like my best friend Jenna, and my boys, Anthony and Nathan. 

I’ll have more plans as the new year unfolds, but right now I’m off to a good start. One thing I’m suspending for the time being is dating.  I’m open to get to know someone, but I still need some time to heal. My heart is mangled mess and I don’t think it would be a good idea to jump into a romantic relationship until my heart’s not hurting anymore. I don’t want a band-aid or a temporary distraction, I want real, deep, forever-kind of love.  I want romance and adventure.  So, I’ll wait because doing it right, being healed first, is important. Until then… I’m going to put all my focus on moving forward.  Healing is part of moving forward.  So, let’s take a new step today.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward... Day 2

The following was my good morning post, but I find that it fits perfectly with my blog series about moving forward, because it’s a crucial step in moving toward a soul free life.  It’s about reminding yourself what’s important, because we live in a world that tries to distract us and sell us an ideal of what our lives are supposed to be. We set up these false expectations in our mind of what we’re supposed to do, how we’re supposed to act, what we’re supposed to obtain to have the life we’re supposed to live, but it’s all bullshit.  It’s a distraction to what’s important, and the true reason there’s so much disappointment in the world.  Disappointment comes from unrealized expectations. 

So, here’s my post. 

Good morning, world. Smile. Take a step. Breathe. Even though it hurts, Smile. Take another step. Breathe. Love.

Love the life you've been given. We only have one. Let go of the stupid, vain ideals that we think we're supposed to have, because they will rob us of the life that is available.

Connecting heart to heart, soul to soul, spirit to spirit, smile to smile, body to body, lips to lips, in those perfect moments when the universe shifts and our internal, eternal, and ethereal eyes and hearts are open and we experience love, real love, even if for just a moment. That is what living is about. Those moments.

We spend the rest of our lives chasing vanities that mean nothing, missing what's truly important filling our minds, hearts, and time with useless shit. When it doesn't satisfy us, we then try to dull the emptiness with vices... sex, alcohol, drugs, obsessions, and addictions. But they too fail.

We are more than body. More than mind. We are souls...spirits...ethereal creatures. Our time here is temporary, but the essence of who we are is existential, beyond this plane of existence.

Love. Love for ourselves. Love for others. Love...soul-to-soul... That's living. It's what we draw from to love our soulmates, love our children, love our friends, love humanity.

If we are empty and our wells are dry, then from what can we draw? Stop the foolishness. Let go of the vanities. Live today, in the day, and love what's real. Leave the bullshit. Get rid of the vampires. Stop playing with things that don't matter. Time continues to move and you don't have long. Stop wasting it on bullshit. Stop listening to your body and mind, and listen to your soul. It's crying out.

Sm. Take a step. Breathe. Love.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Moving Forward... Day One

I’ve often commented that life is fluid, ever-changing, and we are either dying and falling back, or growing and moving forward. That’s in all aspects of life including love, friendships, goals and aspirations, especially when it comes to our dreams. To obtain these aspects we must move forward.  We will never reach our goals dying and going backwards. So, here I am.  Setting my goals before me, putting the pieces I need in place, and mustering the courage and drive to see them to fruition.

To plan the first steps, I must know the main objectives.  What are they?  There aren’t just one, but one for every aspect of my life.  Sometimes we set objectives for different areas of our lives that conflict with other areas, and this is the major cause for our failure.  Over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to try and identify those major objectives and the start planning my first steps.

Practical people tell me that I dream too big. I think they dream too small.  I am the fool that desires to change their stars.  I’ve been told my whole life what I can’t do, and I’ve been proving those proclamations wrong time and time again. Yes, I’ve failed at some of the things I’ve reached for, but at least I reached for them.

A couple of years ago, I thought my life was over, and in that mindset, I let go of many dreams. A couple months ago, I lost a beautiful relationship, and in that mindset, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I’ve grieved… grieved lost dreams, grieved hope of what that relationship could have been, grieved the dreams I had allowed to die, and grieved the love I had the pleasure experience for a short time.  Grief hurts, but most of all it puts you into a stasis.  If you don’t grieve enough, you’ll never fully heal.  If you grieve too much, you can become stuck in that mire and then began to slowly die inside.  There is a time and a season for everything.  Now, is the time to move forward. 

Hang on… it’s going to be one wild ride.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray