Friday, October 17, 2014
I Want Butterflies
For those who read my blog on a daily basis, I haven’t NOT been writing, I just haven’t posted some of the latest articles live because they’ve been really deep and really personal, and I’m just not ready to share those particular stories in a public forum. All my posts are always deep and personal, but those are just a little bit more than I’d like the world to see – for now. As you all know, I’m very open with my thoughts – but even I had a hard time with writing those. I still write them, I write almost every day, because it’s cathartic for me.
Today’s post won’t be much different, but I think it’ll be okay to share this one, at least I hope it will be. I only have a small idea of what’s going to pour out – because I just let it flow when my fingers touch the keys.
As my close friends know, I’ve been trying to re-enter the dating realm. Back in April of this year was the first time I dabbled with online dating sites. I had a wild mix of experiences with it, but I can say I have met some really nice men, one in particular that I believe will be a life-long friend. Some of the men… well, let’s just say, “God have mercy on them, for they know not what they do – and they’re too damned dumb to ever figure it out.”
Saying that… brings me to my post this morning. I felt a deep cut from a few remarks I received last night from someone I deeply love and highly regard. When I first heard their words, I simply brushed them away, but throughout the night they kept haunting me, I kept hearing them over and over. They didn’t say anything really bad in and of themselves individually, but collectively I didn’t like the picture they made or the picture of how I’m perceived. It actually hurts quite a lot that someone I care about so deeply thinks of me the way they do. It hurts to disappoint someone or realize they think so little of you.
I say all the time that our biggest deceiver is often ourselves. I don’t exclude myself in that quote. Honestly, I’m the main culprit. I KNOW I deceive myself. I try really hard to examine my thoughts, my motives, my actions, my words – seeking the truth – because I know that only in truth - real changes and healing can occur. NOTHING can come from remaining in deception. So, I question myself this morning – am I really the way I was described last night? I hope not.
How was I perceived? Judgmental, a snob, and with my heads in the clouds believing in fairy tales. Are they wrong? I think so, but then maybe I’ve deceived myself. I don’t know, but I do know something is wrong, something’s off… I just don’t know what it is or how to change it. I’ve been on several dates the last few weeks and honestly, I feel nothing. Don’t get me wrong, most of them have been nice guys, just not the right guys for me. When I sit across from them, I often see a lifestyle that has no room for me – or that I would have to change in order to fit. I’m never going to change for anyone, ever again. I sacrificed me to be what someone else wanted the last time, and lost me in the process. It took me a very long time to find me – and I won’t lose me again.
I want butterflies. I want lightning. I know it exists, I’ve felt twice before. I want to wake up in the morning and be excited about a ‘good morning’ text. I want to smile through the day from receiving random messages, knowing I brushed across his thoughts. I want to get nervous so bad before a date I can’t eat and I’ve tried on 20 outfits to go back and settle for the first one I pulled out. I want to talk for hours about nothing and everything. I want to have a hard time keeping my hands to myself. I want to steal kisses, hold hands, make love, cook together, chase waterfalls, encourage one another, push each other to eat healthier and stay fit, to share my stories, to listen to them talk about their dreams. I want to fall asleep in a set of strong arms.
I don’t want money, jewelry, houses, success, cars, expensive things or anything at all. All the things I want and desire are intangible, beautiful moments. I don’t want to have sex, I want to make love. Maybe my friend is right, maybe it’s all just a fairy tale. Maybe I’ve lied to myself so much that I’ve convinced myself I deserve it. When I love someone, I love them completely… faults and all. I see them, I see their scars, I see the impurities, but I love them - all of them. I just want that for me. I’ve got my own scars. I’ve got my own impurities, weaknesses, and faults. Can no one ever love me as I am? Will I never be good enough?
I have many offers, sometimes it’s ridiculous at how many, from men to be a sexual partner. Many are beautiful, sexy men that I’m sure have left a long string of broken hearts in their wake. I’m not for want, if I was a casual kind of girl, for companionship. Literally, I receive an offer every day. But I’m a stupid girl that wants something real. I’m disheartened at how many people out there would rather have a meaningless hookup than love. So when I look into the eyes sitting across from me and I see they want to play a game, but haven’t bothered to take the time to even see me, I smile until the dance is over and then go home. Does it make me cruel and cold that I want butterflies? Does it make me a snob when I walk away because they’re looking for something I’m not? Does it make me judgmental when I see someone sitting across from me who’s physique and habits sound warning bells inside my mind that their lifestyle would be detrimental to the life goals of health, fitness, and adventure I’ve set for myself?
Perhaps I do think too highly of myself, and my foolishness will keep me alone. I don’t know. I just know that I feel broken, almost dead inside. I hold tightly to hope – hope that I’ll find my butterflies, hope that someday someone will think I’m worth fighting for, that I’m worth loving. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone who also believes in fairy tales and I’ll be awakened from my cursed sleep with true love’s kiss. Just maybe. Or else I’ll just die and wither in my glass coffin.
Till Next Time,
Fairy Tale Princess