Thursday, January 22, 2015

My Family, My Clan

Family is a mixed up concept for me. I often struggle with the thoughts of whether my emotions are connected through an intangible bond or from man-made expectations. I understand the biology, the nature, but I have also witnessed the nurturing bond that families produce as they take care of one another. I even understand the bond that survival produces – when people are thrown together in violent or volatile situations. Yet, all this understanding doesn’t answer the question of why it hurts so much to be rejected by those we expect to love us most. Is it some unseen bond that has us endure that which hurts us, or just stubbornness?

I’m a beautiful woman. I’m adored by many. I’m pursued by several and even have inspired arguments, fights, and jealous disagreements. Yet by those who are supposed to love me most, I’m rejected and unwanted. But, don’t judge my ‘family’, because the feeling is mutual – I reject and do not want them either. I’ve often felt guilty for feeling this way. Many of the people that have come through this life often try to make me feel guilty for feeling like that, but I’m honest about how I feel. I always have been, and that’s not something easy to face.

There is this group of people that have come into my life recently where I feel such a deep bond. I question if it’s because I’m in survival mode and I’m bonding with them for that reason, or is it because they nurture things in me that have been long neglected. They adore me. They make no secret I’m wanted, I’m needed, or even that I’m desired. This group I’m talking about is my Destiny clan, Omega Victrix Mortalis. They’re my family, and like all families, they are a motley crew of one mess after the next. It’s like we are the clan filled with misfits, rejects, and the misunderstood. What makes us different from the other clans we meet in the land of Xbox Live, is because we care about each other as people.

Recently my beloved clan has endured a division where a couple members (family) cared more for the game, more for the power and control, and more for the stroke of ego than for the people behind the controllers. My gameplay is important, something I often struggle with much stress and trepidation, but it’s the lives behind the controllers I care about most. This split hurts because I have to watch more people I care about walk out of my life. I will stand by and watch them go, because I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I’ll never want or force someone to be around that doesn’t want to be around. Just because I’ll stand to the side, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain of that separation, or the rejection.

For those who have remained, they’ll never know how much they mean to me. As I mentioned before, we’re a group of misfits, but this bunch of misfits have some of the greatest hearts I’ve ever met.

Phoenix Mortalis – (the defender) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a CSI agent. He’s loyal. He’s sensitive. He notices the little things. Though a girl getting upset makes him very uncomfortable, he’s always there, even if it’s being there in silent comfort for those in his circle. He’s a true knight in shining armor, willing to risk everything to protect, to defend, or to support. He’d make a great soldier because he already has the natural instincts of a defender. He has a tight inner circle and guards it well. But, if you’re lucky enough to get inside that circle, you’ve truly found a beautiful treasure of a friend. He’s a great player. I watched him do amazing things with a broken controller. The greatest was his determination. I watched him do amazing things with limited abilities, and since he’s regained a lot of those abilities, he’s gone on to do even more amazing things. He reminded me of how wounded soldiers who never let their disabilities define them, but strengthen them.

iTz CriMSonDxsk – (the nurturer) is a young, twenty-year old, gorgeous, shy college student, studying to become a Surgical Technician and currently works as a transporter at a hospital. He’s also loyal and sensitive. He’s an Empath – he feels what others feel around him. He’s one of the best gamers I’ve met so far, a beast in the battlefield, and there isn’t a feat yet I haven’t seen him unable to accomplish. He’s a natural. He’s humble. Yet he desires no power or praise for his acts. He doesn’t seek the limelight but prefers to sit in the shadows, yet is unable to hide in obscurity because he’s in great demand. Players constantly seek him out to join them because he’s the best. He’s greatly misunderstood, often thought of as na├»ve, but he’s much more complex. I see a great man in the making. There’s no ego, just a quiet confidence.

RevertantPath – (the counselor) is a young, seventeen-year old (going on 40), not sure if he’s gorgeous or not because no one has seen his picture but he has a heart of pure gold (with a dash of trickster), shy, high school student who doesn’t yet know what he wants to do with his life. He’s also loyal. He’s a fountain of information and wisdom. There’s no task he’s afraid to tackle. He’s independent, yet he understands the bonds of our family. He never hesitates to jump in and help someone out, yet never asks for help (because he doesn’t need it). He’s mostly quiet, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t listening. He’s always listening. When he decides to speak (it usually starts with … “So, I’ve been thinking… “) you should pay attention because what follows is always something deep, something profound, something often unexpected from such a young man. He’s left me speechless many times. He’s not afraid to confront, yet chooses his moments with precision. He’s one of the wisest people I know (and I know a lot of them).

iTz CrimSon Jr – (the mascot) is a young, thirteen-year old, who I’m sure is adorably cute, funny, and a big ball of energy. He brings life to the party chat and game no matter what’s going on. He’s a reflection, a symbol, a mirror of who we are as a clan. He loves without question. He trusts without wariness. He’s a treasure to be protected, not manipulated and used. He reminds me what it’s like to be a mother. I miss being a mother, being needed.

The rest of our clan is filled with other wonderful members too. They have their own set of skills and diverse personalities.

CJBIGMAC never fails to make me laugh. I could listen to his silly stories all day, his natural and free responses to every situation, and his KV worship is like no other.
gr3y ninja is often really quiet, but when he gets relaxed and lets out his personality, it never fails to make me laugh. Just don’t depend on him if his girlfriend calls. She comes first.
XxTrsXshoTxX is a little passionate in both positive and negative ways. He’s a beast in the Crucible and a great asset in the raids, and a faithful helper when you just need someone to hang out with to help with missions and bounties. I like to listen to his silly stories.
Oz Bacon is another little trixster like RevertantPath, but he’s also fearless, ready to jump in no matter how big the task.
Set off the DJ is still getting his feet wet, but so far he’s doing a good job. If only I can get him to understand the usage of ‘wilco’.
Deathstroke1997, Phoenix Mortalis’ brother, while busy with school, he’s a great player and never hesitates to jump in and help where it’s needed.
Mike Honcho470 is guy I went on a date with and the whole time talked so passionately about Destiny that I inspired him to go out and buy an XboxOne and Destiny. While this is his first FPS game, he’s got a zeal that’s to be envious. He never fails to make me smile.
Last, but not least, is Godly Furrrball. I love Destiny and the concept of clans because of this gorgeous man. The way he talked with admiration and pride about the boys in his crew stirred a deep need in my heart and made me realize I had an empty space in my own that needed to be filled. My clan has done that for me. I also admired the pit bull in him that would come out to defend his family, even if was against me. He’s taught me a lot. He’s pushed me beyond my limits. He’s broken my heart. Hey, he’s family, what can I say.

There are other players in the Destiny universe that I play with often whom I also view as family even if they’re not in my clan … (ZeroFX AirB SGT, SxProphet, WARSHAC, OZ Vinyl, UCindian11, ShumateClan(Little Light), logjmr, Blaxican, SkyBlaster, and all those guys in I Am Leg3nd, and my son, JewsDestroy99.

So, what is family? Who is family? How is family defined? I suppose it’s defined by whatever I choose. I choose my Destiny family. I love them dearly.

Till next time,

~KV Kvothe

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