Monday, June 01, 2015

I Love You, But I Hate You Too

I’ve wasted so much time on you, most of it waiting …waiting for you to call, waiting for you to text, waiting for you to think about me, waiting for you to choose me. I’m always waiting.

I check my phone a thousand times a day just to see if you’re there. My heart skips a beat every time I hear the message notification or see the green blinking light. Every time when it’s someone else I feel my shoulders slump and a lump of disappointment tighten in my throat. I’m always checking.

I try not to think about what you’re doing, what you’re thinking, or what’s got you preoccupied. When I feel you crouching on the edge of my consciousness, I remember your smile, your laugh, the sound of your voice from the moments we’ve already shared. I can’t help but smile. I’m always wondering.

I’m trying so hard to live my life without you, because you’ve left me no choice. You stole my heart and never gave it back. I love you, but I hate you too.

I hate the way your words move me, push me outside my box, and make me think of things bigger than me. You challenge me. You don’t just let me say what I want. You question my motives, my core believes, but not to argue – to understand, or to get me to understand a different way. I don’t always agree, often disagree, but I don’t doubt your sincerity. You’re not indifferent. I’m always pondering.

I hate how you know the perfect song, the perfect word, the perfect story, the perfect game for me, ones you know that will touch my soul, make me cry, motivate me, or make me think. You also share the things that move you, giving me a peek into your heart, your emotions, and your passions. Many times I’ve cried many tears listening to the beautiful messages, melodies, and meanings. I’m always listening.

I hate how I shiver when you touch my hair, how my stomach flutters when you look at me, or how I feel safe wrapped in your arms. I hate it, because each time you do those things I betray myself and all the promises I’ve made to hate you. You unravel me and melt my resolve. I used to think I was strong, having bravely walked away from impossible situations, hard choices with even harder consequences. Why can’t I walk away from you? I’m always returning.

My world can be in chaos, flipped upside down, falling apart, but one message from you, one word, one look, or one touch and it suddenly shifts, rights itself, and I feel emboldened, strengthened, and calm. But as time goes by in your silence, in your absence, my world starts falling apart again, and after a few days, a few nights, I can feel the tattered shreds and the pressing walls. I hate that you have that power over me, because you don’t deserve me. I’m always falling.

You don’t deserve my good mornings, my good nights, my dreams, my thoughts, my hopes, my wishes, my musings, my time, my attention, or my love. I’m not yours. You’re not mine. I would have followed you anywhere, but you chose another. You chose a path I cannot follow. You say you took the safe route, the sure path, and perhaps you’re right. I’m not safe. I’m not sure. I wander down the unexpected, the odd, the complicated, the bold, the quirky, the wild, the open, and the honest paths. I am the hard way and I never stay still. I have scars. I have imperfections. I have fears. I’m always running.

Part of me dies a little every day without you, but another part of me fights to live, and every day I fight to breathe. I love you, but I hate you too.

One day I’m going to be okay without you, my heart will once again belong to me, and I will hold it, and I will heal it, and I will make it whole again. Because I’m not afraid to love me, and walk down the unexpected, the odd, the complicated, the bold, the quirky, the wild, the open, and the honest paths. I embrace my scars, celebrate my imperfections, and fight through my fears. I’m worth it. I’m never giving up… on me.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

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