Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Panacea Princess

Since finding myself single again, I’m trying to take a different look at who I am, perhaps evaluate myself objectively and see if I can help identify why I’m so difficult to love. I am difficult, mark my words. To love me is a challenge, and not for the faint of heart. I can’t simply be put into any particular box. Though I want a fairy-tale kind of love, I’m not a fairy-tale kind of princess. There isn’t just one dragon to slay in order to reach me, but an army of them. So, I’m thinking of my new dating profile and what should it say. What would ward off predators, players, men who haven’t let go of their last relationship, or men who can never be satisfied with just one woman, liars, con artists, or cowards? It would be nice if all my exes could write it for me – to warn the next man that dares to cross my path of just exactly what he’s getting into, what to do or not do. I honestly don’t know if I can open my heart again. Do I have any of it left since so much of it has been broken? I’m an open book, but the text inside is quite hard to read. So here goes…

Life is fluid, ever-changing, filled with both joy and despair, love and heart-break, evolutionary and quite contradictory. If we ever get to the point where we think we begin to understand it, life will always come in and test our faith, test our thoughts, and test the motives of our hearts. We are not who we say we are, nor are we often who we think we are, because we are all liars and deceivers, always believing the best or worst of ourselves. But, the truth … the truth resides somewhere in the middle of our best intentions and our worst fears. Truth is also in what we do, how we react, and how we respond to the situations in our lives, not in what we say or think. I've been wrong so many times. I've been hurt even more. Not because I had dared to dream, but because I dared to dream big and fell far. I've soared to great heights... and I will soar again. I'll never stop trying, never stop dreaming, never stop hoping. I believe in love. I believe in a forever kind of love. I believe in deep passionate love. Some say I'm a fool, and that what I'm looking for in love doesn't exist, but I know it does because it exists in me. If I can possess that kind of love, then it is possible for another to have it too. And if it exists... that's the only kind of love I want.

Who am I?

I'm honest, not just of my great attributes, but also of my flaws and weaknesses. I am quick to apologize when I'm wrong, and always strive to communicate to understand when I'm confused. I'm a cheerleader, encourager, rescuer, and a defender. I'm unique, think outside the box, color outside the lines, try to see the beauty in the worse mess. I'm wild, adventurous, persistent and truly care about the human soul. At the same time these are my weaknesses, because I'm also bold, outspoken, driven, and a perfectionist. I will wear myself down, break my back bending over, push myself beyond my limits for those I care about, often to my own detriment. I'm often naive, but not stupid. My trust is easily gained, but also easily lost. I don't need to be saved, but sometimes I do need to be held, to be cherished, to be wanted, and needed. Respect is important to me. I'm faithful. I'm courageous, especially when I'm terrified. I over-think everything, and have OCD tendencies toward cleanliness and organization. I'm creative, artistic, talented, and I see the world through those artistic eyes - both the beauty and the ugliness of it. I often feel responsible for others and neglect myself, putting their wants, dreams. and desires before my own, but I'm learning to put me first. I'm witty, smart, sarcastic, silly and playful, but I can trash talk during game play any day. I love and thrive toward a challenge, even while I stress and freak out over them at the same time. I'm complex, yet simple. Classy, yet brash. Serious, yet silly.

I promise, if you get to know me, you will one day say, "I've never met anyone like you before."

Don't try to change me, change will happen on its own. Don't try to determine if I'll fit into your life as it is now, but be willing to open your life and allow me to become part of it, as you become part of mine, and we make room for each other. Don't play with my heart, because it's a shattered mess. But don't be afraid to touch it, because shattered glass is also a beautiful thing. Don't expect me to be perfect, to have all the answers, always know the right thing to do, always make the right decision, always step in the right direction. I'm fickle. I run away as much as I run toward. I will never be where I'm not wanted, so don't make me feel unwanted. Don't shut me out, because I'll walk away.

Life is a great adventure - full of glory and pain, confusion and discovery. It's the greatest adventure. We only have so much time of it here on this blue planet before we are gone. Don't waste it. Live. Live out loud. Don’t be afraid.

Till next time,

~Panacea Princess

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