Well, I’m back again to talk a little bit more about Livin’
Out Loud. This isn’t an idea of
something I want to do, but something I’ve been doing since my divorce a few
years ago. This was something my soul
cried out needing for a very long time.
I tried to get what I needed from everyone around me, my ex-husband, my
kids, my church, my job, but I couldn’t find what I was seeking in them or
through them. What I needed, what my
soul needed, what my heart needed was already inside me, but I realized I was
too afraid to listen to her, or to even give her a glancing thought. She was too painful to even acknowledge.
Memorial day is coming up tomorrow. I’ve been having a little bit of a hard time
this weekend and found myself trying to reach out to others in order to soothe
that pain. I thought after 23 years I’d finally be able to breathe during this
time without that pain, but the pain is still there, yet it’s not all for
James, the hero that gave his life in Somalia.
It’s for the hero that was left here at home, the fighter inside me, the
survivor with her many scars. I loved
James, still love him, will always love him, but he’s not really the one I’m
grieving. I miss him, will always miss
him, will always wonder of the life we might’ve had together, but I think what
still hurts most is the life that I hid inside me for so long. People grieve in different ways. I shut down.
I hid inside myself, got lost for a couple decades, and while I was living, going
through the motions, I wasn’t alive. I
cared deeply for everyone else around me, but not myself. When I learned the scripture to “deny
yourself and pick up your cross…”, well… I did just that. I denied myself until I could deny myself no
longer.
So, here I am after I completely disrupted my life, turned
it upside down, made some bold moves, and faced my biggest fear – that lost,
hurt, angry little girl inside who has carried my pain for too long. I was so afraid of her, but now I look upon
her and instead of seeing a depraved, dirty, lonely, scared shell… I see a
beautiful, radiant angel, whose light is so bright my heart simply can’t even
begin to express how much I love her. Without hesitation, she forgave me for
being a coward for so long, and since I faced her I have been living out
loud. Yes, I’ve had some huge obstacles
in my way, a few heart breaks, a few failures, one giant battle with death, but
I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything.
That woman inside (she’s no longer a frail girl) is strong enough, tough
enough, and brave enough to handle this world.
As long as I cling to her, I know we will survive. That’s what we are, we are survivors.
Part of this living out loud is active living, which by
definition means to actively be engaged in your life, in every area of your
life – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It doesn’t mean you’re doing fantastic feats
every day, it just simply means that every day you’re living in the moment,
living in the day, and living to the best of your ability as you face your
daily challenges. Life is full of
challenges. It is full of temptations. It is full of excuses. We can find one for everything. We can make
one for every fear we have. But that isn’t
fair to ourselves. Living out loud and loving
yourself means that you face your challenges.
You might not win them every day, but winning isn’t the marker of
success or failure. It’s the effort, the
intent, the devotion, and dedication applied to facing those challenges that
make us a success or failure, that determines if we truly are living out loud.
I’ve been working on trying to repair the damage I’ve done
to my body during my years of depression and regression. It’s hard. I wasn’t born with the genes that
make it easy. Every day is a choice, a battle, and it requires a strong will, a
determined mind, and a heart dedicated to seeing myself succeed. I am tempted. I am afraid sometimes. I am
weak at other times. But, the more I
love myself, the more determined I become.
The more success I taste, the more I want to taste. The more dedicated I become, the more
dedication I desire. I’m not ruled by my
desires anymore. I rule my desires.
Yes, it’s hard to get up at 5am every morning and get
started. It’s hard to say no to the
foods that make my mouth water. It’s hard to not just cling to someone else’s
strength so I don’t have to use my own. I know I’m never going to look like a
supermodel, or one of those beautiful, slim, toned women on the front of
fitness or fashion magazines, and I don’t try to look like them. I don’t want to be them. I want to be a
version of me that is healthy, that is active, that is strong, that is vibrant
and who can do the things my heart wants to do and not be denied because I don’t
have the physical or mental strength to accomplish them. I hate being
denied. So, yes… many mornings I want to
cry and my mind makes a thousand excuses to roll over and go back to sleep, but
that beautiful angel inside me, my own personal cheerleader, she nudges me and
whispers to my soul, “I love you and you deserve to live out loud. Do it for
us.” That’s all it takes and I jump up,
get dressed in my workout clothes, and take off. It’s what helps me deny that
doughnut, or not gorge on that pot of beans, or feed my insecurities with foods
that harm me. I was slowly killing
myself for years, and became a master of excuses to continue doing it. I was
wrong.
Bottom line. The
secret to living out loud and actively living is loving yourself. I love me. I don’t need anyone else to love
me. But when someone does choose to love
me they receive one of the greatest gifts, a precious treasure, even if they
don’t realize it. They receive a pure
love, a dedicated love, a devoted love, a determined love, a faithful love, a
grateful love, a love that doesn’t take from them, but pours into them. We are a lost and lonely world. I see it, I
feel it, I recognize it in the many faces I see every day. The majority seek to feel the emptiness
inside through various outside sources – money, accomplishment, sex, drugs,
food, shopping, music, extreme activities, pills, addictions, obsessions,
competition, acceptance, religion, political causes, martyrdom, violence, … we’re
all trying to save or destroy the world.
The only person we need to save is ourselves. The person we often destroy is also
ourselves. If we embrace who we truly are, loving the world becomes easy and
living becomes an everyday part of life. Going to the laundry mat becomes an
adventure, because all life is an adventure.
So, get up. Get
going. Set those goals. Put down the fucking doughnuts. Meet those challenges
face to face. Start breathing. Start living. But don’t do it for any other
reason than for yourself. Don’t do it to
fall in love with someone else. Fall in love with yourself and others will fall
in love with you too. Don’t do it to
look good for someone else’s approval. Do it so that you feel beautiful and
sexy for yourself, and then others will see you as beautiful and sexy. Don’t do it to fit in and be like everyone
else in order to feel accepted. Embrace
who you truly are, love all your nerdy, quirky, odd, crazy, and wild parts and
let the rest of the world see you for who you truly are, not who you pretend. If
they don’t see you or can’t see you, fuck ‘em. You don’t need them. Don’t be
afraid to face the world alone, because if you can’t face the world alone, you’ll
crumble under pressure trying to face it for someone else. That’s not fair to you or to them. Don’t be
afraid to walk alone, be afraid to not walk at all. Walk. Go. Run. If anyone truly loves you for
you, and can see you’re actively living out loud, they will want to walk with
you. But if they’re cowards and haven’t
found their own strength, you can’t carry them. Keep walking.
In a moment of despair, when I felt like the world’s worst
failure, God whispered to my heart, “It’s not your job to save the world, it’s
mine. Let go and let me love you. I made you to fly, so fly, Baby Girl, fly.
Live, My Love, live, and live out loud. I gave you a voice so sing, sing of
love, sing of life, sing of all I’ve poured into you and all that you are.” That, my friends, is what I say to you all.
Till next time,
~Song of T
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