Thursday, December 08, 2016

Falling in Love... Day 4

When I speak of passion, I speak of it from my own perspective.  We all sometimes call the same thing by a common name, but that single thing means something different to each of us, depending on who we are, and what we’re made of, and what we’ve been forged from.  For me -  I’m fire, I’m Leo, I’m artist, I’m goddess … and passion burns in the marrow of my bones, and extends through the thinnest of my split ends, reaching out around me and touching all within proximity.  Passion burns, and cools, and flies, and cries, and hurts, and empowers, and weakens within and through me, and from me.

My passion has caused me so much trouble and excitement in my life. It has saved me, given me strength, weakened me, and led to the greatest of my pain.  It is my biggest ally, and my greatest enemy. But I have made peace with my passion.  Not in the sense that I can control it. Only a fool believes they can control the passion within them.  I know. I deceived myself into thinking I’ve controlled it all my life.  I controlled nothing.

I’ve learned to love my passion, respect it.  I’m learning to listen to it.  Passion gives me the strength to fight, to defend, to hope, to love, to encourage, to dream, to fear, to want, and to desire. Life sucks sometimes, and there have been moments when the pain was too much to bear, so heavy I couldn’t breathe. When those moments come and the Pied Piper begins to play his melancholy song enticing me deeper into the darkness, a flicker of passion ignites within me to fight.  Passion is the root to all my gifts, even this one… to write.  Passion is my true muse, my inspiration.  God has given me great passion. 

I love the passion within me.  I hate the passion within me sometimes, because it’s heavy and in those moments when the pain comes, it’s because of my fire, my passion, that increases that pain.  I feel everything in magnification… the good and the bad.  When I love… my love is so deep, filled with so much fire. But so is my pain. I live life… a life on fire… a life of burning flames… flickering hot.  Feed it and it will grow, it will spread, it will consume… starve it and it will wane… but it will never go out.   Just the lightest of breath, the smallest of air, a flicker… and the flame will rise again.

I’ve realized I need air… air to breathe, air to fly, air to fan my flames.  This Leo, this goddess of fire needs her god of air, earth, and water.  All three in opposition can hurt her, starve her, dampen her, or put her out… but in conjunction with her, not in an attempt to control her, but as her partner… he will set her ablaze.

I love this about me.  I love that I’m passionate. I love that I’m alive and live out loud, not in secret, not hidden, not afraid to jump.  Yes, I fall. Yes, I burn. Yes, I get hurt. Yes, I fail. Yes, I lose.  BUT I am alive. I am free.  I am raw.  I am not ashamed. I am not passion.  Not everyone can handle that truth, and that’s okay.  I love me just the way I am.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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