Sometimes, as men, women… humans, we can be terribly blind. We are often so busy in life, looking ahead, looking behind, looking all around us to be in the present, and yet still be ignorant to what is standing right in front of us. It’s not because we can’t see, it’s most often because we’ve created this ideal in our minds of what we’re supposed to see, that we miss the reality, or better yet, the potential.
Hindsight is a bitch. She’s that nasty, arrogant know-it-all that shouts, “I told you so.” I despise her. I work so hard every day to not let her get a leg up on me, but I often fail. It seems the more I try to open my eyes, the more I miss.
Life is so fluid. People come and go, some are only around for a small flash of time, while others who’ve gone before stop by, come right in without knocking, and kick their feet up. We deceive ourselves into thinking we can control the flow, but that’s another lie we tell ourselves. We even wrap those lies in commitments, promises, vows, and contracts, but all can and are often broken, because life isn’t something we can control. We can’t promise tomorrow, because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and doesn’t belong to us. We can’t make people stay, love us, fight for us, or even remember the promises they’ve made to us… or the promises we’ve made to others. We can only determine how we respond to the changes as they happen.
Today is a sad and happy day for me. One friend is leaving today, and it breaks my heart something terrible. He was a source of comfort for me at work, yet life changes. I wish him a lot of luck in his adventures, and hope the best for him. I’m also happy today because a boat load of my crazy writer friends suddenly showed up out of the blue. Though we haven’t really gathered together in a very, very long time, the chemistry is still there and it’s like we never left. I’m so excited to have them back in my life again. They were such an inspiration to me.
I’m sure there’s a reason my Insomniac friends have popped up lately. I’m learning there’s a time and season for everything. I’ve been avoiding my greatest gift for the longest season, but I know it’s time to get back to it. There are no coincidences. It’s not an accident that the last couple of weeks, I’ve been contacted by different members of this group in various ways. I’m not the same person I was. Life has changed me, but it didn’t change my gift. I recently removed “author” from my profile because I felt like such a failure for neglecting my gift for so long. I felt I let my fans down because I allowed the heartaches of my life to keep me from releasing my work. I felt I let my friends down by running away. Yet, here they are… as if it were yesterday.
There is was right in front of me all along. I didn’t realize I felt all this disappointment in myself. I thought my writing was suffering because of space. True, lack of space hampers, but I used to write anywhere. I was blind. In my quest of falling in love with myself, I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this part of my life, but this is a very big part of who I am. I am a writer. I am a scribe. I am silver-tongue. I am a record keeper. I am a steward of imagination and creativity. I must forgive myself for my neglect. My imagination and writing gift was, is, and will always be my first love.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds. I cannot control life, love, or time. But, I can choose to decide to love myself, and love the gifts I have been given. We are to value the things we love. Just as we value the people we love in our lives, how we consider their needs and do what me must to meet those needs, so is the same for every part of us. To love myself completely, I have to love all parts of me. Believe me, there are many parts. Many, many parts. I may not be ‘hard to carry’ (btw – I misquoted my friend yesterday. He didn’t say I was hard to carry (that’s what I heard), he said I was hard to keep up with, that someone with my level of ambition would be hard to keep up with unless my partner had a similar level of ambition for themselves. That while that enthusiasm is attractive at the beginning to any many, unless they were my equal, they would struggle to keep up with me and I’d have to carry them. In other words, I’m too much for the average guy- he’s going to have to be strong and something extraordinary – my superman), but I’m great at flying.
Till next time,