I’m
a planner. It’s that simple. EVERYTHING great I’ve ever achieved in my life
came from envisioning what I wanted, making up my mind that I was going to have
it, counting the costs to get it, and then constructing a plan of
execution. EVERYTHING.
But,
like all of life – things don’t always go as planned. We find ourselves headed
toward our destination only to come across roadblocks and detours. They are
always unwanted, but are they really unexpected? They usually are, but it shouldn’t be a
surprise. We should always have a plan B, or C, or D, before we ever take a
step with plan A.
I
don’t like roadblocks and detours. My destination is clear, and I want my path
to be clear. It never is. Roadblocks and detours are one of my triggers. Not
because I can’t handle the change in the plan. Quite the opposite, I thrive in
change, in uncertainty, and in chaos. It’s how I’ve lived my whole life. I’m
OCD and organizing chaos is one of my gifts. But, it doesn’t mean I don’t react
negatively when chaos comes and disorganizes what I’ve already put in place. It’s
like spending a lot of time setting up dominos to fall just right and have
something come in before the setup is complete and knocks them all down. I don’t
like it and it causes me to grieve the work I’ve already invested, the dream I
already dared to dream, and disappointment at the expectations I’ve already
developed. It triggers my anxiety. Not
because of fear, but from the residual pain of 48 years of
disappointments. In the same measure my
anticipation for residual joy is just as great, my hope for a deep love is
real, because I’ve had it and have experienced it before.
I
learned a long time ago that I can’t control everything around me (believe me –
I try), or always what happens to me, or what happens in the world around me.
The world has Murphy, Free Will, and Intent (whether good or evil), Natural
Law, Cause & Effect, Good and Bad, and Chaos. All those things have the
power to cause good or bad things to come into my life, cross my path, or affect
me whether directly or indirectly – completely out of my control. I can always
speculate why something happens to one of us, and not another, etc. That only
drives me to frustration trying to figure it out. I accepted a long time ago that sometimes bad
shit happens to good people, and good shit happens to bad people, and bad shit
happens to bad people, and good shit happens to good people. Good and bad shit
happens, period.
But,
what I do have control is how I respond to the shit that happens to and around
me, to the roadblocks and detours that come along my road to the goals I want
to achieve. I don’t like them. I don’t want them. I try to avoid them. BUT, I
don’t let them stop me. I just find
another way, take a less traveled path, a harder path, one that requires more
skill or sacrifice, but I keep moving toward my goal, never taking my eyes off
my destination.
I
had a major roadblock pop yesterday and it triggered me, and there were a few
moments where the anxiety overwhelmed me and I found myself in a panic. Not because I couldn’t handle the situation –
because the situation has been handled. I have taken care of myself my whole
life. I have faced every adversity or problem on my own. I always have, it’s
actually one of my greatest strengths, but it’s also one of my greatest
weaknesses. While it has sharpened my survival skills (something I think a
majority of our millennials sorely lack), it’s also built a wall of
self-reliance that keeps people on the outside. My anxiety doesn’t come from
having a problem to face. A problem is just an opportunity to discover a
solution, to use my mind, skill and creativity to achieve something. No, the
problem wasn’t the problem, the true problem was that I felt completely alone.
That isn’t the truth, but it’s what I felt and it’s what triggered my anxiety.
I
don’t fear failure. I don’t fear adversity. I don’t fear struggle. I don’t fear
pain. I fear – shutting down emotionally, hiding behind my walls, being so
fucking stubborn and independent to not let anyone in, to not trust that
someone would be there for me. I fear it because I’ve been there behind that
wall, in that numb state of shutting down my emotions so I don’t feel, for a
very, very, very long time. It protected
me at different times in my life – and I’m grateful I was able to disconnect -
to survive. But, I don’t want that anymore. I’m so scared to not feel, to not
trust, to not love, because that’s not the life I want. I want to feel
EVERYTHING. My Anxiety and Fear practically screamed at me that nobody cared and
nobody would be there for me, making me realize I’m still that defensive little
girl that won’t let anyone touch her.
I
don’t NEED anyone. I handle my own shit – always have – always will. I WANT
someone. I want to be able to turn around and somebody be right there beside me
AS I face my roadblocks and detours, not for them to remove them for me – but be
there beside me as I remove them. But,
in that moment - I felt completely alone and that familiar wall slammed hard
against me. I cried sitting in my car for a good ten minutes. My true roadblock wasn’t my car troubles, but my
trust troubles. But, I face what I fear. My hands literally trembled so hard it took me
a few times to dial the number and call the people that are important to me,
the people who I would stand with and support in their times of need, trouble,
or pain, people who I love and would fight to the ends of the world to protect,
to help, and sacrifice everything I have to make sure they get what they need.
I just don’t expect it in return – ever – from anyone. That’s a bitter pill to
swallow.
When
I contacted those important people, I passed on some of those frustrations– but
not on the truth – I masked them behind the car situation. Will I ever trust anyone? I want to, I really
do, more than anything in this world. I
want to know for sure that someone out there in this universe really loves and
cares for me. Is there any hope? I keep saying I don’t need anyone to save me –
and I don’t in a physical, financial, or intellectual way. But, emotionally – I need a fucking hero.
Till
next time,
~T.L.
Gray
