Roadblocks, Detours & Reactions

I’m a planner. It’s that simple. EVERYTHING great I’ve ever achieved in my life came from envisioning what I wanted, making up my mind that I was going to have it, counting the costs to get it, and then constructing a plan of execution.  EVERYTHING.

But, like all of life – things don’t always go as planned. We find ourselves headed toward our destination only to come across roadblocks and detours. They are always unwanted, but are they really unexpected?  They usually are, but it shouldn’t be a surprise. We should always have a plan B, or C, or D, before we ever take a step with plan A. 

I don’t like roadblocks and detours. My destination is clear, and I want my path to be clear. It never is. Roadblocks and detours are one of my triggers. Not because I can’t handle the change in the plan. Quite the opposite, I thrive in change, in uncertainty, and in chaos. It’s how I’ve lived my whole life. I’m OCD and organizing chaos is one of my gifts. But, it doesn’t mean I don’t react negatively when chaos comes and disorganizes what I’ve already put in place. It’s like spending a lot of time setting up dominos to fall just right and have something come in before the setup is complete and knocks them all down. I don’t like it and it causes me to grieve the work I’ve already invested, the dream I already dared to dream, and disappointment at the expectations I’ve already developed. It triggers my anxiety.  Not because of fear, but from the residual pain of 48 years of disappointments.  In the same measure my anticipation for residual joy is just as great, my hope for a deep love is real, because I’ve had it and have experienced it before.

I learned a long time ago that I can’t control everything around me (believe me – I try), or always what happens to me, or what happens in the world around me. The world has Murphy, Free Will, and Intent (whether good or evil), Natural Law, Cause & Effect, Good and Bad, and Chaos. All those things have the power to cause good or bad things to come into my life, cross my path, or affect me whether directly or indirectly – completely out of my control. I can always speculate why something happens to one of us, and not another, etc. That only drives me to frustration trying to figure it out.  I accepted a long time ago that sometimes bad shit happens to good people, and good shit happens to bad people, and bad shit happens to bad people, and good shit happens to good people. Good and bad shit happens, period.

But, what I do have control is how I respond to the shit that happens to and around me, to the roadblocks and detours that come along my road to the goals I want to achieve. I don’t like them. I don’t want them. I try to avoid them. BUT, I don’t let them stop me.  I just find another way, take a less traveled path, a harder path, one that requires more skill or sacrifice, but I keep moving toward my goal, never taking my eyes off my destination. 

I had a major roadblock pop yesterday and it triggered me, and there were a few moments where the anxiety overwhelmed me and I found myself in a panic.  Not because I couldn’t handle the situation – because the situation has been handled. I have taken care of myself my whole life. I have faced every adversity or problem on my own. I always have, it’s actually one of my greatest strengths, but it’s also one of my greatest weaknesses. While it has sharpened my survival skills (something I think a majority of our millennials sorely lack), it’s also built a wall of self-reliance that keeps people on the outside. My anxiety doesn’t come from having a problem to face. A problem is just an opportunity to discover a solution, to use my mind, skill and creativity to achieve something. No, the problem wasn’t the problem, the true problem was that I felt completely alone. That isn’t the truth, but it’s what I felt and it’s what triggered my anxiety.

I don’t fear failure. I don’t fear adversity. I don’t fear struggle. I don’t fear pain. I fear – shutting down emotionally, hiding behind my walls, being so fucking stubborn and independent to not let anyone in, to not trust that someone would be there for me. I fear it because I’ve been there behind that wall, in that numb state of shutting down my emotions so I don’t feel, for a very, very, very long time.  It protected me at different times in my life – and I’m grateful I was able to disconnect - to survive. But, I don’t want that anymore. I’m so scared to not feel, to not trust, to not love, because that’s not the life I want. I want to feel EVERYTHING. My Anxiety and Fear practically screamed at me that nobody cared and nobody would be there for me, making me realize I’m still that defensive little girl that won’t let anyone touch her.

I don’t NEED anyone. I handle my own shit – always have – always will. I WANT someone. I want to be able to turn around and somebody be right there beside me AS I face my roadblocks and detours, not for them to remove them for me – but be there beside me as I remove them.  But, in that moment - I felt completely alone and that familiar wall slammed hard against me. I cried sitting in my car for a good ten minutes.  My true roadblock wasn’t my car troubles, but my trust troubles. But, I face what I fear.  My hands literally trembled so hard it took me a few times to dial the number and call the people that are important to me, the people who I would stand with and support in their times of need, trouble, or pain, people who I love and would fight to the ends of the world to protect, to help, and sacrifice everything I have to make sure they get what they need. I just don’t expect it in return – ever – from anyone. That’s a bitter pill to swallow.

When I contacted those important people, I passed on some of those frustrations– but not on the truth – I masked them behind the car situation.  Will I ever trust anyone? I want to, I really do, more than anything in this world.  I want to know for sure that someone out there in this universe really loves and cares for me. Is there any hope? I keep saying I don’t need anyone to save me – and I don’t in a physical, financial, or intellectual way.  But, emotionally – I need a fucking hero.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Detours, Assessments, and Adjustments of Goals and Dreams

I can't express how important it is to keep our goals and dreams in front of us.  Life has a way of coming in and disrupting our plans, getting our feet off our chosen paths, and throwing in twists, turns, roadblocks, detours, and obstacles.  That's normal.  Being human means being able to adapt and adjust to the situations and circumstances that come at us.  But if we are ever to fulfill our dreams and goals, we must continually be reminded of them, keep them posted in front of us, keep them shining like the North Star to be used as our guiding point and our compass. We need to constantly remind ourselves what we want to achieve, accomplish and experience in this life, assess our actions, adjust our options, and make necessary decisions.

Yes, we can and will experience all those unexpected and unplanned things, and many of them will be wonderful, will enrich our lives, and will change our directions.  Sometimes, its okay to shift and adapt - we become better for it.  The key is to be in control of those changes so that we don't lose the goals and dreams we set for ourselves.  This is the only way to not to be filled with a lot of regret because of forgotten, lost, and unfulfilled dreams.

Take a few moments today and remember your dreams, write down your goals, repeat them to yourself.  Take an assessment, look at your North Star,  and then determine if you need a readjustment to get you back on your chosen path or  if you need to select a new one. 

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray



Here is an updated status report and reminder to myself concerning my 2014 resolutions:

1. No more grieving. (I've had a moment or two, but for the most part, I've been smiling, hopeful and looking forward to the future. I'm happy.  I'm really happy.)
2. Fitness: Run a 5k (no walking), lose 50 more lbs, and get more fit.  (I've scheduled (5) five runs and will start back running/jogging on Monday - needed to heal from a sprain and sickness.  Joined three fitness challenges (Get Healthy West Georgia, Times-Georgian - Get Fit, and the 30-Day Arm Challenge), started a hula-hoop, sit-up, stair, and salsa-dancing routine.  So far I've officially lost 4.5 lbs  - 45.5 more to go.)
3. Go on a real romantic date. (Still working on this one.  Got close - actually planned one. Maybe soon I will make it a reality. It's still early, and I've got plenty of time.)
4. Take a vacation to one of my dream spots . (Making plans for a road trip in a smokin' hot Mustang convertible with a girlfriend in late June: Chicago to GreenBay and throughout parts of the Great Lakes.)
5. Finish one of my novels (completed and edited). (Started editing Hunter & Chase and wrote my first Character Blog post. Need to refocus and get busy.)
6. Sign and promote at least (5) five new authors with North Star. (Got several queries and submissions to weed through.)
7. Save at least ¼ of the money I need to move to the PNW. ($200 in the pot.)
8. Climb and descend the 605 steps at Amicalola Falls. (YES... DONE, DONE, DONE!!!!)
9. Hike at least 50 miles of the Appalachian Trial (not at the same time.) (7.5 miles completed, 42.5  miles left to go.)
10. Go White Water Rafting - (Tentative trip planned in late July. Maybe I can combine this with the date.)

Building Dreams

When I wake in the mornings, sometimes my thoughts linger in that place found between dreaming and awake.  Often I write these expressions down unaware or half asleep.  I often find them to be some of the most profound thoughts, scattered at times with vibrant clarity, and others with a dark depth, sometimes so cavernous it takes me long periods of time for the truth to be revealed.  I wish I could say they're my own conscious thoughts, my own reasoning, my own wisdom, but I don't feel I could take full credit for them because I have yet to comprehend and haven't even begun to understand many of them.

I call these - Musings

My musing this morning was this:  Dreams aren't just meant to be enjoyed in the night, but to serve as inspiration and a blueprint of what is possible in the day.  But don't sit and wait for them to come true on their own - go out and start making the changes necessary to transform what is ...to what could be.  A dream doesn't build itself.


You don't know how many times I sat back and waited patiently for my dreams to happen on their own, or become possible by the magical wave of a higher power's hand to make everything fall into place.  Too many times I've read stories where all these miraculous happenstances occur for other people.  I believed it was 'good fortune' I waited for in order for things to happen.  But, 'when I was a child, I thought as a child.  I have now put away those childish thoughts'. 

Yes, I still believe in a higher power (God), probably even more now than I did when I believed in blind faith. I just don't see His purpose or operation in my life in the same respect and find I'm less disappointed when magic doesn't happen as I had falsely expected and built in my mind.  I find a strength, a wisdom, and a source of understanding that helps me navigate, survive, overcome, and plow trough this harsh world while I'm here. 

I have big dreams.  I have sat back in meek humbleness waiting for lightening to strike to make those dreams come true, believing if I was good enough, faithful enough, and wished and hoped hard enough things would fall into place, and those doors I needed to make it happen would pop up in front of me and all I had to do was choose which ones I wanted to walk through.  Wasn't that the dream fed to us?  It wasn't the truth.  Every great dreamer I've studied had to fight for every opportunity, had to sacrifice more than they thought capable, and possess a determination to get up again and again no matter how many times they fail.  I wondered what propelled them.  Was it their hope in magic or their vision of a blueprint and knew that somehow, someway, they could transform their what is into what could be?  They had the blueprints, but through toil, dedication and determination they had to learn how to build, how to read the plans, how to construct and how to place that dream together piece by piece - each piece often unrecognizable on it's own. 

Perhaps that's where I've been wrong all this time, believing myself a Dreamer when I'm really a Visionary. 

What are your dreams?  What do you envision for yourself?  How do you expect to get there?

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

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