Being Free

For so many years I was counseled that I had to be an example because I stood in a place of leadership, repeatedly reminded that people were watching and looking up to me and therefore I had to make sure I set a good example so ‘they’ wouldn’t stumble.  In my strive for excellence and to fulfill the mandate set before me, and from a fear of letting the people I cared for most down by not being a failure, I worked hard at being that great example.  There’s nothing wrong in that in and of itself except somewhere along the way I got lost and started being what was expected of me. I lost my identity. I was someone’s mom, someone’s wife, member or associate of something… but not me.

These last couple of years I’ve been examining myself, but not in self-judgment as I had for the past fifteen years correcting and rebuking in an effort to be ‘good’. I’ve simply been asking who I am, what do I want, what makes me happy.  Sure I still want to be good, who doesn’t deep down in their heart, but I mostly want to be honest…and free.

The world is full of hypocrites, liars, and manipulators.  I’m not saying these things to be mean or negative, only that it is to ourselves we are most guilty.  Whenever we start being honest with ourselves and face the truth of who we really are and what we really want, the world starts pointing its fingers at us, accusing us of being selfish or narcissistic.  Well, I’m not for pleasing the world anymore, or even someone else.  My whole life I’ve been told, taught, and trained to please others.  I have a giving, caring, and supportive heart – except when it came to me.  Not anymore.

I celebrate me.  I love the woman I am.  I love the woman I’m discovering. I love my perfect imperfections. So, if you’re watching me – the only example I want to set now is that it’s okay to love and celebrate yourself.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray