Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Where, Oh Where?

I had a dream last night that I was on Earth in the Destiny game, only I wasn’t my avatar, EviL Kovthe, I was me – I had no weapons, no armor, no clan (We Are Immortal Gods) beside me to protect me. I was in the treasure room just outside of Devil’s Lair.

Walking around, not worried that Dregs, Shanks, Knights, or evil Servitors were going to kill me, I took my time to admire the treasure. I picked up handfuls of gold, precious stones, and then lastly - a crown. It was the tiara that got me and turned my dream from something adventurous to something dark.

The jewel-studded headpiece reminded me of the lessons I taught a few years ago on Hagar, Leah, and Abigale… and the huge change in my life when I realized I was the same as these great unloved women. This deeply researched lesson changed my whole life. It was the foundation for the decisions I made to seek out something better for myself. I reached out to change my stars, but I haven’t really changed them at all.

I positioned myself to be free, and I essentially am. I can go anywhere, live anywhere, and do anything. I’m not saying making any of those decisions wouldn’t take hard work, a lot of sacrifice, and come with a great deal of difficulty… on the contrary, I expect any decision I make will be fraught with them. All of life is hard. I’ve already overcome so many obstacles, why would I ever believe that I’m done? (LOL – “I’m done”… that’s become one of my favorite phrases now. It’s something every member of my clan says regularly.)

So, why haven’t I moved, why haven’t I left? Why am I dreaming of standing in the Devil’s Lair holding a tiara? That question has been plaguing me all morning. As I was brushing my hair, getting ready for work, that’s what I asked the reflection smiling back at me in the mirror, “Why haven’t you made a move?”

It’s simple: I don’t know where to go.

I’ve learned a lot of important lessons in this life. I’ve learned that stuff doesn’t matter, everything can be replaced, and what can’t be replaced, can be altered or modified. Things are nice. I.e. – I love my XBoxOne. I love Destiny. But it isn’t the game system or even the game I love (though the game is awesome), but what they enable that I love most – interaction with my son, my friends, and my clan.

Spending time playing games together with my son Johnathan – that’s our special time, that’s how we bond with one another, it’s how we share our lives. Working and watching football games with his dad is their thing – and playing video games, sharing music, and playing poker together… that’s ours. It’s the sharing of our lives that’s important, not the stuff or even the activities. With my daughter Kelly, it’s playing cards and visiting Atlanta. With my daughter Meagan, it’s sharing books.

I’ve learned that success, position, fame, and money can be gained and lost, and none of it really brings you happiness. The happiness is in the pursuit or the sharing of those milestones. Yes, my college degree opens Doors of Opportunity, but it’s the journey that means something. When I got my degree – I was alone. I had no one to share the celebration with, well, not till later that night when my soldier showed up unexpectedly. But then he went off and died and left me alone again. When my book hit the best sellers list, even if it was short-lived, I was once again alone. All my friends that meant the world to me literally lived in different places all around the country– but were not there with me to share that moment. When I left my husband, I’ve really learned what it means to be truly alone.

Here I am about to face one of the most difficult journeys of my life – and I’m once again alone. I have dear friends who support me, who love me, who worry about me, and who are there for me emotionally as I face these battles… but they’re not beside me. I’m in that damned treasure room all by myself.

My gaming clan is reminding me of so many things. Most of all, they’re reminding me what’s important in life. They’re reminding me to laugh, to have fun, to be open to make new friends… but they’re also teaching me the importance of bonds, of trust, of camaraderie, of having someone’s back, helping each other out, being there – not just in thought – but being right beside each other as we fight our battles. For much of the game I’ve tried to go it all alone (it’s my thing – it’s what I do… in life and in fun). But, this game wasn’t created to play alone. (What’s funny… that was told to me by someone who spends more time alone than anyone I’ve ever met.)

What my clan does together is amazing. I’m so glad I’m in their clan, because I’d never want to go up against them. I wouldn’t stand a chance. But the greatest thing they’re teaching me right now – is that relationships are important, connecting with people, having someone there with you – to share in your journey, your experiences, your laughter, your failures, your play, and your victories. That’s what living is all about.

So, why haven’t I moved? Because I don’t know where to go to really live, to be happy, to be loved. Wherever I can find happiness, joy, and love … that’s where I will go.

I’ve sat across a dinner table at least two dozen times in the last few months on different dates, looking into various sets of beautiful eyes, trying to see hope behind warm smiles, looking for the slightest trace of the place I seek - hoping for a connection, waiting for lightning to strike. I could have a relationship with any one of them, but the types of relationships they were offering didn’t appeal to me. Most of them had me going through a mental checklist where I was constantly saying, “been there… done that.”

The universe has other plans for me, I suppose. It seems, the place for me right now that makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes me feel loved and accepted, and helps distract me from the trials ahead– is in the middle of a bunch of crazy guys I’ve never laid eyes on. They remind me of who and what I am… a woman, a friend, a warrior, a nurturer, a buddy, …a human. What I have, what I don’t have, what I’ve achieved, what I’ve failed, or what I’ve done or haven’t done – doesn’t mean a damned thing to these guys. They don’t want or expect anything from me, yet they welcomed me with opened arms. I love them for that… it’s probably one of the few times in my life I feel loved and accepted just for simply being the smart-mouthed, funny, crazy me.

Where, oh where, do I go right now? Well, as often as I can, I go back to the land of Destiny and among the great men of my clan “We are Immortal Gods” until I’m ready to find a connection face to face with someone.

Till next time,

~EviL Kvothe

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