Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Not Giving Up ...Changing Gears

Not Giving Up …Changing Gears

Just to be clear, I’m not giving up on dating right now, I’m just not giving it any of my focus. I do plan to return to the wacky world of 21st Century dating after I take a little time to figure out what the hell I want to do first with the rest of my life. I’m at a crossroads …again. I really wish I could find me a nice, long, winding, coastal road, one that I can just sit back and enjoy the scenery and get past all the interchanges.

I’m changing gears. I’m taking a new road. I’m looking for new adventures. One thing I’m not changing is my focus and my direction. I’m not looking backwards. I can’t go back to what had been, and I have to let go of what could’ve been. Both were beautiful dreams, but the journey has moved on and I have to make room for new horizons. I know where I’ve been, I know the road I’m on, I just have no idea where it leads. In some ways I like that – just hitting the open roads and letting it take me where it dares. But, in other ways, I need at least a near point of reference. All I know is forward.

I guess the first question is …what do I want? How the hell do I know? Seriously, do any of us know? I can’t answer that question, not honestly. I know more of what I don’t want than what I do. The only thing I know that I do want is something real. I’m so tired of all the bullshit. I’m tired of the games. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of the delusions.

Over the last several years I have done some really hard soul-searching. I have uprooted everything in my life, put myself out there, and dared to love. I have met some assholes and I have met some angels. But mostly, I’ve met a bunch of liars. Why is the world so afraid to be honest, to be who they really are? I’ll tell you why… it’s because they have no fucking idea who they are or what they want. They can’t even see the obvious lies right in front of their faces. Can I do this, too? ALL THE TIME.

I’m not perfectly minded, but I’m honest. I’m not perfectly sculpted, but I’m real. I’m not perfectly educated, but I’m smart. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I learn from them. We all have fucked up, many times, but we have to learn to get back up and keep moving forward, keep learning, keeps trying, and really live in the moment.

I have faced death and I have won. It’s changed me, I mean, it’s really changed me. It’s not only changed a little part of me, but it’s like I’m being reborn again – made new. There are so many things I could go back to, but the life bubbling inside me refuses to allow me to look backwards. So, I can’t. Sure, there are things the world made say needs to be fixed, but I disagree. I will not step backwards… but forward.

What does this mean to all the plans I once had, the dreams I dared to dream, the work I was working on, and the relationships that have come and gone … that none of them are guaranteed to be a part of my life now. I’m alive. I’m awake. I’m moving on. Everything up to this point has helped get me here, and I’m grateful, but not everything or everyone will be moving onward with me. If it wasn’t good enough to sustain me then, I’m not wasting my time hoping it would sustain me now or in the future. If not loved then, they don’t deserve to love me now.

For those I leave behind, while I may miss you, I don’t need you. I’ve never needed any of you. I wanted your love. If you were in my life it was because I chose you, I loved you, or I wanted you. If you couldn’t simply choose to love me back, that’s your loss and your dumbass decision. I’ll never be where I’m not wanted. I won’t love, wait, and chase that which doesn’t want to be found or loved. I can’t save you and it’s not my job to fix you. Love yourself, guys. Me, my love, who I am, what I have, or what I can do for you will never be enough. I don’t want anything from anyone but honesty and something real. Take your lies, your games, and your fucked up ideas and go away. If you couldn’t fight for me in the storm, you don’t deserve to dance with me in the sunlight. I’ve had enough bullshit. I’m so thankful to be alive. I’ve got things to do, places to go, dreams to chase, but I don’t have time for nonsense.

So, having said that – I’m going to take a break from the dating scene for a little while, re-evaluate who I am, what I want, and get my life set on a particular road, and then perhaps take another look at the idea of dating. It’s quite exhausting shoveling through bullshit, talking to people who don’t listen, or caring for people who don’t care in return. I’m running. If you can’t chase me, you sure as hell will never catch me.

I’m happy. There’s been a smile on my face for days now and it’s for simply being appreciative to be alive, for being and loving myself just as I am. I’m alone and happy - go figure. Don’t call me with your problems. I actually don’t answer my phone much these days.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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