Dreaming Too Big?

Today is nothing like yesterday, and I’m grateful.  They may contain a mixture of pleasant and rough memories, but its all part of my journey already travelled. Today, my only concern is to survive and strive forward toward my dreams. Tomorrow, I hold vast hope and potential for greatness. 

I look around me and see a world seemingly asleep.  I know - I was one of them for a season.  I’m awake now and grabbing hold of those dreams of mine left un-apprehended in the universe. 

I’ve had the opportunity to spend some time with people of varying degrees in their pursuit of dreams, in which my observations have helped me solidify and understand my own pursuits.  Talking with a man yesterday, whose dreams for his life were so simple, so small, I realized I’m not a small dreamer, but a big dreamer.  I always have been.

As a child, I was often called a snob by my family, because I looked beyond our circumstances and dreamed of a different, and in my opinion, better life.  No matter if we went through a hard time, living in a three-room shack without indoor plumbing, or easier times in a giant suburban home keeping up with the Joneses.  I always felt like a fraud, going through the motions of someone else’s life.  I didn’t fit in.  I still don’t fit in with my family.  So, it wasn’t just a phase.  I’ve always dreamed big, and to me, they seemed to settle for whatever life handed them, or looked for the quickest way to cheat the system.  As adults, most members of my family is still that way.  I can’t understand that particular kind of mindset.  It’s quite sad to me.

As an adult, raising my own family, I’ve striven for success in many different venues and have obtained it often.  I’ve also failed and understand the cost, both financially and emotionally, failure takes on a person and a family.  But, no matter how much I’ve failed, I never stop trying; never stop reaching for that next dream. 

Don’t think I don’t live in the moment, because I do.  In a single moment… that’s where fear, doubt, anxiety, hope, confidence and faith live.  I’ve been taught all those things can’t inhabit a person at the same time. I say, yes they can, because I feel them all at the time.  Right now - I have so much hope for my future, so much faith I’m going to succeed, and so much optimism I’ll find a way to make my dreams come true.  No one can convince me otherwise.  But also, right now - I have so much fear of failure, so much anxiety of the pain such failure would cost, so much skepticism to know it’s not going to be an easy journey, but one requiring  sacrifice and pain.  

So, I don’t care if the world thinks I dream too big.  Often I’ve been told to be realistic, practical in my pursuits, because big dreams require big sacrifices.  I can’t. Simple as that - I just can’t. No matter the cost, no matter the ridicule, no matter the ostracism, no matter the rejection (and I know a LOT of rejection), I can’t stop dreaming the dreams I have for myself.  If I don’t pursue them, I know I’d die inside.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray