Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Being Hindered

Kalaloch Beach - Olympic National Park

Have you ever loved something so much, yet you can't have it, access it, or even be near it?  Just thinking about it makes me sad, so I try not to think about it, but then trying not to think about it, has me thinking about it all the time.  Being denied something you want more than anything in the world, leaves you with this feeling of anticipation and anxiety... and not the good kind.  The kind that keeps you up at night and disturbs your sleep, because you're afraid you'll dream about it, and wake up crying.  This happens quite often.  But, I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of missing it.  I'm tired of being denied it, but my hands are tied and there's nothing I can do about it. 

So may days, so many moments, so many minutes I want to curl into a ball and shut the whole world out.  Everyone else continues to move through the universe as if it's correct, on it's right course, and spinning as it's supposed to, but that's not the way it is for me.  My world stopped turning, my equilibrium is off, and all the spinning gets me dizzy.  I want it to stop turning, to start moving, to move forward, but my heart is lost somewhere in the past, in another place.  My body is here, but my heart and soul is somewhere else, and that leaves me empty, void, tormented. 

Have you ever had an out of body experience?  That's what this is like.  The empty shell is here in Georgia, but the real me, the part of me that is passion and love... it's left standing on a beach in the Pacific Northwest.  It calls to me in my dreams, it pulls at me throughout the day, it yearns for me to return. 

I will go home someday and reunite with my heart, and become whole.  I shall walk the beaches of my dreams.  I shall feel the cool breeze of the Pacific upon my face.  I shall hear the sound of the wind rustle the leaves of the evergreens.  I shall dance in the cool rain drops of the Pacific sky.  Someday... Someday... I shall go home again.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

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