Friday, August 08, 2014


I’ve really been spending a lot of time thinking about happiness, what I think would and does make me  happy in this world, and what I think would and does make those I love happy.  The answers to those questions are as unique as we are from each other, as well as similar.  Those answers really depend on the person, their history, their life, their thoughts, their ideals, their morals, and the things they value.  I can’t answer those questions for anyone else, because my answer would only be a speculation due to my observances and filtered through my own set of morals, values and experiences.  Therefore it’s biased.

Unable to speak,  speculate, or even postulate for someone else, I have to keep this idea centered on myself and treat me as the subject of study as well as be the student of understanding.

So what is happiness to me?

How the hell do I know? There are a lot of things, situations, and circumstances that bring on a sense of happiness within and around me.  I’m moved by emotion and consequence as much as the next, the only difference is to what varying degree.

So what things, situations, and circumstances move me?

Literature – reading, writing, discussing it, discovering it, sharing it, pondering it, and just having it fuel my imagination makes me happy.  It doesn’t just make me smile, it touches a very deep part of me, and brings out a satisfaction of the mind and soul the way coitus does after having great sex, which great sex is also something that moves me. Literature in varying degrees will always be a part of my life.

Nature – hiking, exploring, enjoying and learning about this beautiful universe in which we live makes me happy.  From discovering the function of the tiniest of atoms to speculating the vastness of the universe, I love existence and the science of it.  I love nature. I love knowing I’m a part of something so beautiful, so perfect in design, even when I feel alone in its vastness.

Humanity – this is a hard one because as much as I love it, I hate it.  The way we love one another and rise to greatness, we also hate and sink to vilest of depths.  I’ve seen the greatest acts of bravery and the lowliest acts of cowardice.  I’ve experienced both joy and pain, happiness and sadness, love and hate from my fellow human beings, and have committed these acts myself.  The way we treat one another confounds me.  I don’t sit in judgment because I stand guilty, too.  I don’t exalt myself either because that is also vanity – meaningless.  Solomon had it right in Ecclesiastes – Meaningless, it’s all meaningless.  There is no greater thing under the sun that to eat, to drink, and to be happy.

Finding out what makes someone truly happy isn’t  a cookie cutter answer.  It requires a lot of experimentation and experience, mixed with failures and successes.  But one thing that NEVER fails to make ME happy, make me glow inside with pure satisfaction …is when I do something  for someone I love that leads to their happiness.  This world is shit.  It’s hard. It’s cruel, hateful, and unforgiving.  I have every natural right to be just as angry and hateful, but instead of letting anger rule me as it used to, I CHOOSE to hope for that atom of happiness.  The games people play in this world are just a reflection of all the pain.  I’ve been played so many times, sometimes knowing I was being played, but still clung desperately to the hope that maybe one act of love could change everything for someone.  Some call me naïve.  Some call me a fool.  Some just come right out and call me stupid.  I’m discovering it’s the unloved and unwanted who often love the most because they’ve had to learn to love themselves and make themselves happy – something the greatly loved often never learn.

Love makes me happy.  I may never receive it from another human being, and I’ll have to be okay with that – and I will be okay with that because I’ve learned to love me. I will continue to love those around me even if they push me away or don’t reciprocate.  I don’t love – to be loved.  Because I’m already loved and filled with love, that state allows me to share that love.  I don’t love everyone.  There are some in this world I hate.  I’m not God.  God so loved the world … that was his job, not mine.  Just as it’s not my job to save the world, either.  Jesus said that all the commandments are wrapped up in two simple ones – that if we can master those two we will in spirit master them all and they both center on love – to love God and to love one another AS we love ourselves (people forget that second part – because most don’t love themselves  - so how are they loving others  - but that’s a whole other topic.).  Yet… those are the two hardest things in the world to do.  I don’t have a problem loving God, but I have a serious problem with religion.  I don’t have a problem loving myself, but loving others is a bit more difficult.  But when I manage to do it, it truly makes me happy.

What makes you happy?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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