True Accolades

Photo by T.L. Gray - 08/12/2013

For many years I’ve had people tell me they believed in me, but to me those were only meaningless words whispered in moments of fake accolades.  Most people don’t mean what they say.  They learn a few key phrases and repeat them like mantras, as if saying them alone makes them true.  All you need is to look into their eyes or watch their actions for only a short period of time to know whether they’re true or not.

For many years I smiled at these people as they attempted to soothe me with their honeyed words.  Yet, I’ve come to realize my smile was just as false as their claims.  I don’t do it anymore.  I just don’t allow these people into my life at all.  I’ve learned to walk away.  Having been abandoned and rejected by my own family, those who were supposed to believe in me most, I’ve spent four decades trying to grasp even the thinnest thread of acceptance and support.  But it wasn’t someone else’s approval I needed, only my own.

For many years I blamed myself for their lack of support, telling myself I wasn’t good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or brave enough to deserve their love and support – I convinced myself I was broken.  But, I’ve come to learn I am good, strong, pretty, healthy, smart and braver than most people I know, and I deserve to be loved, to be wanted, and to be desired.

I no longer seek approval from others.  They support me, stand next to me, love me, and believe in me, or they don’t.  I know my true friends and I love them with all my heart.  I just hope they know that I love, support, want and desire them in return, that when I tell them I believe in them, they know I mean it. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray