Healing is a long process and from my experience a very painful one, sometimes I believe even more painful from the things for which I’m healing. I won’t rehash my woes this morning, because I truly feel I’ve reached another level of enlightenment and stage of reconstruction. By revelations’ light, I’m transforming from the ghostly image of who I’ve been into who I’m meant to be.
According to my expert online research (we all know how trustworthy internet information can be) there are currently seven stages of grief: Shock and Denial; Pain and Guilt; Anger and Bargaining; Depression, Reflection and Loneliness; Upward Turn; Reconstruction and working through; and Acceptance and Hope. I personally feel there are seventy times seven, and they’re all sitting on a merry-go-round, and until we truly find the peace we need, we just keep circling the same hurts over and over.
I know this may be hard to believe, but on most days and at any given moment, my friends will often find me smiling, laughing, joking, encouraging someone else, pushing, giving of myself and anything I can and have to help. I’m a giver. I’m compassionate. But, I’m also a reflective person; I examine myself often. With that examination come a lot of facing truths, dealing with pain, and gritting teeth while I endure the healing. Healing isn’t easy; at least not for me.
Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me this video featuring three of today’s wackiest comedians giving advice on living and overcoming depression. At first I thought it was funny. I’m beginning to recognize I use laughter as a defense mechanism at the first sign of pain or discomfort, even without knowing I’m in such a state. There were a few key phrases that jumped out at me while I watched this video, but throughout the day, at different times, and then in the night while I’m waiting on my mind to drift to sleep, I kept hearing parts of that video play over and over in my head. I tried distraction of every kind, including playing What’s the Phrase with a few friends, but nothing stopped the anger in me that finally bubbled to the surface and then finally spilled out. My poor friend, Jenna, graciously allowed me to use her as a sounding board without judging or getting angry at me. Girlfriends are really important.
I had thought I’d been through this stage of grief already, but I guess I’ve only scratched the surface, because I’m angry. I’m not just a little angry; I’m steaming, volcano-erupting-mad-as-hell angry. I should not be where I am! I’ve worked too hard for too damned long to be here. I’ve spent my whole life putting other people first and the first time I trust someone else to put me first, they don’t – they let me down; they let me fall, and then walked away to leave me to pick myself up. I’m so fucking mad. I gave everything and when I needed someone to believe in me, to sacrifice FOR me, they couldn’t or refused. I don’t even think most of the pain comes from them not being who I needed them to be, but more from the fact they didn’t deem me worthy of the effort or trouble.
My anger is so strong it’s colored everything to the point it’s paralyzed me. Being let down when it’s expected is different than when you finally let go and place your dreams into someone else’s hands. Then it’s not disappointment; it’s betrayal. There hasn’t been a task or obstacle I’ve ever had trouble overcoming or defeating in my life, and there have been some major issues, until now. Literally for the past couple of years I’ve been blinded in rage. I’m in so much pain I became numb; in shock. Then when I start to feel it, I blame myself because I should have known better than to trust someone else with the very thing that meant the world to me. Abuse my body, I’ll bounce back. Break my heart, it will heal. But trample on my dreams….
It took me witnessing someone else react in fear concerning their dream for me to realize and recognize what’s been holding me back; why I’ve been paralyzed and not doing simple things I know I should; things that are essentially self-destructive. I haven’t dealt with the pain yet, because it’s the worse devastation I’ve ever experienced. I can never express how grateful I am to the friends that have come into my life this past year. Each one of them has been essential in healing a different part of me. I know they love me, care for me and only want to help. All they’ve seen so far is this paralyzed, scared, angry little girl. But, I’m healing, I’m dealing with my anger, and soon they will get to meet the strong, powerful woman I’ve always been.
I hope my friends will love her as much as they’ve loved me. She’s different. She’s confident, unstoppable, doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, isn’t scared of anything and doesn’t see defeat. Right now, I’m still very angry. I’m literally shaking as I write this. I feel trapped, held down against my will and forced into a life I didn’t choose or deserve. Now that I recognize the source of my paralysis, I have the power to remove it and take a step forward.
Till next time,