French Doors to my new apartment. Photo by T.L. Gray |
I don’t know a whole lot
about souls. I can’t see one, can’t
prove they exist in a court of law, and can’t give scientific evidence to establish
any claims, but I can say this: who I
was a year ago is not the same person I am today, and hold hope to be different
tomorrow. I’m in transition from one
reality to the next; one state of being into another; cocoon into butterfly. However, in this transition, I’m afraid of
losing some of the best parts of me with the worst, or losing myself altogether. But I take comfort in Bukowski’s quote,
because he’s right. The fact I worry
about losing parts of me, means I’ve still got those parts left to lose.
I’m going through a marital separation
and in the process find the dissolution of the relationship is only one piece
of the development. Pulling our lives
apart has many threads, many rungs and affects every section of my life; and
the disconnection is very painful and confusing; my soul being divided. One
part of me grieves for what was and could have been, yet another part of me is
excited and hopeful for what can now be, but the whole thing is
terrifying.
Another thing I notice during
this transformation… I can be really solid one minute and completely feeble the
next; a ghostly image of my former and future selves. I’d love for everyone to
only witness my strong moments, but I can’t – hell, I refuse to - hide my weak ones,
because they’re evidence my soul still thrives and fights for life.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray
it shine bright, to the eyes that are looking
ReplyDeleteDon't think of it as losing something. Think of it as making room for something new. Believe it or not, I dreamed about you last night. You were happy and moving forward. For what it's worth, my subconscious believes in you (as does my conscious mind).
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jenna and Jesse. You guys make so much a difference... and knowing you're there supporting me, loving me in all my weaknesses, really touches my heart and feeds my courage.
ReplyDelete