Loyalty, commitment, dedication, promise, and faithfulness …what do all these words mean? Why do people run from them as if they’re shackles to be clamped upon their wrists and ankles? I think most often it’s because of the words that usually follow those which are the ones that truly bind a person, or which they fear will bind them such as …responsibility and expectation.
My question is …can one be truly free of responsibilities and expectations in any form, at any level of a relationship between two or more people? Can we even be free of these things unto ourselves? I don’t think so.
I keep telling myself, having come out of a long committed relationship that I don’t want to be loyal, committed, dedicated, promised or faithful to another person; I want to be free. What does that really mean? What am I really saying? What am I really looking for? What am I really running from?
How can I want something that is contrary to my very character? I’m a person of my word. I’m loyal to a fault, even to those things that are detriment to me. When I set my mind and heart on something, I’m committed. I’m dedicated to the tasks I set my hands to complete. When I make a promise, I do my best to keep it. When my heart is involved in something, I can’t imagine my affections being divided, because that’s not how I’m made. I put my whole heart into the things I do and the choices I make. So how can I say, want or even comprehend the very idea of living a life or avoiding a relationship in the hopes of avoiding those words in my life? That’s a contradiction to who I am.
I’ve meditated for a long time trying to understand why I’m trying to run from these very things. I watch other people around me who say they live their lives free of these things, especially when it comes to relationships, but I don’t see the evidence of their absence and wonder do I deceive myself in the same way? Can I live a life, have a relationship, or enter an action void of these particular traits? I don’t think I can. So, what is it I really desire? What is it I’m trying to avoid?
The only answer I can conceive is responsibility and expectation. These are the two areas I feel I fail most in life, and which bring me the most heartache and pain; not fulfilling my responsibilities and failing to live up to expectations – either mine or from someone else. I fear these two things, not only for me, but to me. Perhaps the latter is what I fear most… someone else not fulfilling their responsibilities concerning me or failing to meet my expectations. Yes, I think that’s the truth of the matter.
What do I do about it? What can I do about it? Is there such a relationship free of these things? Or am I just swimming in delusion, deceiving myself in an effort to alleviate my fears? More than likely, but I’m at a total loss concerning the scabrous solution.
Till next time,