Responsible Expecations

Loyalty, commitment, dedication, promise, and faithfulness …what do all these words mean?  Why do people run from them as if they’re shackles to be clamped upon their wrists and ankles?  I think most often it’s because of the words that usually follow those which are the ones that truly bind a person, or which they fear will bind them such as …responsibility and expectation.

My question is …can one be truly free of responsibilities and expectations in any form, at any level of a relationship between two or more people?  Can we even be free of these things unto ourselves?  I don’t think so.

I keep telling myself, having come out of a long committed relationship that I don’t want to be loyal, committed, dedicated, promised or faithful to another person; I want to be free.  What does that really mean?  What am I really saying?  What am I really looking for?  What am I really running from?

How can I want something that is contrary to my very character?  I’m a person of my word.  I’m loyal to a fault, even to those things that are detriment to me.  When I set my mind and heart on something, I’m committed.  I’m dedicated to the tasks I set my hands to complete.  When I make a promise, I do my best to keep it.  When my heart is involved in something, I can’t imagine my affections being divided, because that’s not how I’m made.  I put my whole heart into the things I do and the choices I make.  So how can I say, want or even comprehend the very idea of living a life or avoiding a relationship in the hopes of avoiding those words in my life?  That’s a contradiction to who I am.

I’ve meditated for a long time trying to understand why I’m trying to run from these very things.  I watch other people around me who say they live their lives free of these things, especially when it comes to relationships, but I don’t see the evidence of their absence and wonder do I deceive myself in the same way?  Can I live a life, have a relationship, or enter an action void of these particular traits?  I don’t think I can.  So, what is it I really desire?  What is it I’m trying to avoid?

The only answer I can conceive is responsibility and expectation.  These are the two areas I feel I fail most in life, and which bring me the most heartache and pain; not fulfilling my responsibilities and failing to live up to expectations – either mine or from someone else.  I fear these two things, not only for me, but to me.  Perhaps the latter is what I fear most… someone else not fulfilling their responsibilities concerning me or failing to meet my expectations.  Yes, I think that’s the truth of the matter.

What do I do about it?  What can I do about it? Is there such a relationship free of these things?  Or am I just swimming in delusion, deceiving myself in an effort to alleviate my fears? More than likely, but I’m at a total loss concerning the scabrous solution.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray