Have you ever noticed how loud silence can be? The quieter it becomes, the louder it gets. My thoughts are clearer; my inner voice is louder. The drum of silence beats with a steady pulse. Yet, in the clamor of silence, there's a presence of self. It says to me I'm not alone, yet I find I’m accompanied by loneliness, because, in truth, I am alone.
My emptiness reminds me of a deserted beach filled with the sound of the wind, the waves crashing along the shore, and of the screech of a seagull ripping through the air. Yet I walk alone because the beach is abandoned. I call this …deafening silence.
My home is now often filled with silence, though the echoes of life surround me; a bark of a dog, a song of a bird, a rustle of leaves, the roar of a passing vehicle, the sound of my heart beating, my breathing... yet everything is filled with the steady hum of silence, covered by loneliness.
Should I run Silence away? Drown him out with white noise? What of Loneliness? He’s been my companion for a very long time. Should I embrace them like old friends? That seems to be all I’m worthy or desired of being… a friend. I’m not wanted as a lover, a companion, a partner, or a soul mate.
I walk through the day with many friends who encourage, love and inspire me, telling me how great am I, pushing me to meet my goals. Yet at night I cry myself to sleep wondering why I’m denied arms to wrap around me, lips to brush against my brow, the touch of desire, whispers of adoration, and caresses of tenderness. Why do I have Silence and Loneliness only to comfort me? Shall that be my epitaph? “She was a great friend.”
I have learned to love myself. I have learned to believe I deserve to be completely loved, wanted and desired. I believe it with all my heart. My hope is that someday, someone else will believe it too and I can fill this deafening silence. Perhaps I’ll one day be the song that fills someone else’s silence as I fill their heart.
Till next time,